Hi, Billy Mays Here for Your Favorite MLB Team: A Pitch For Every Team*

My brother and I were sitting in the living room this morning watching TV when an annoying commercial came on. 

My brother said "At least we won't have to listen to Billy Mays anymore."

I saw my Yankees hat, picked it up, and began:

"Shanan H. here for the New York Yankees..."

And that's where this idea came from.

So now, if Billy Mays were to do an ad for every MLB team, here’s what it would be like:

(Organized by division.)

NY Yankees

"Billy Mays here for the New York Yankees.  Today, you can root for baseball's greatest team by calling the number below.  The Yankees have won 26 World Series, and come with a career .506 winning percentage.  Not only that, if you pledge your fanship in the next 10 minutes by calling the number below, we will throw in a free Yankees hat.  Who could say no with names like Ruth, Gehrig, and Mantle?  Don't delay!  Call now!"

Blue Jays

"Hi!  Billy Mays here for the Toronto Blue Jays.  They are so middle of the road, every game will be exciting.  Will they win, you never know.  And, they come with a lifetime excitement guarantee!  Who could say no to Roy Halladay?  Call now!"

Red Sox

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Boston Red Sox.  The best team this decade, you're sure to a lifetime of fun and excitement.  A group of fun-loving idiots, you'll fall in love with every player.  From Pedroia to Papi to Teki to Youk, you'll have a blast with these Sox.  Call now, and we'll throw in not one, but two World Series wins this decade.  That’s more than any other team is offering.  Call now, and you'll even get an autographed Papi jersey!  Don't pull a Bill Buckner!  Call now!"

Tampa Bay Rays

"Billy Mays here to make some noise for the Tampa Bay Rays.  These underdogs know how to fight.  Calling now will insure your fanship for years to come.  You can join us Ray’s fans inside noisy Tropicana Field.  The Rays are the only team offering an updated AL championship.  Call now, and we'll throw in a free, ultra-loud cowbell.  You want to root for the underdog, right?  Call now!"

Baltimore Orioles

"Are you ready for a hot return to the past?  Hi, Billy Mays here for the surfacing Baltimore Orioles.  Slowly but surely, they are making their way to being a great team.  Watch Adam Jones fly though the outfield and Matt Wieters catch fastballs speeding along from Jeremy Guthrie.  Be the first on your block to certify your fanship, because if they start winning, you can brag you were the first.  Call now!"

Chicago White Sox

"Watch these bad boys finally make baseball hot again.  Billy Mays here for the toughest, baddest team out there, the Chicago White Sox.  All of you Rednecks who thing baseball is a bunch of boring BS, here's the team you should root for.  They come as just one of seven teams to win a World Series this decade.  They have a fiery and fun to watch club.  Call now, and we'll even throw in a free fight with A.J. Pierzynski or Ozzie Guillen.  You pick!  Call now or you're dead meat!"

Minnesota Twins

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Minnesota Twins.  Yes, it's cold up here, but while rooting for these Twinkies, you'll be plenty comfortable in climate-controlled Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome.  Only one other ballpark offers something this nice.  Come make some noise in the loudest ballpark out there.  The Twins love your fanship so much; they will throw in a classic Johan Santana signed ball.  Oh, wait, isn't he gone now?  Oh well!  Call now!"

Cleveland Indians

"Hi, Billy Mays here for your Cleveland Indians.  How would you like a fireworks show in between each half inning?  Well, with Cleveland, now you can.  You can even watch a Choo Choo train from the ballpark!  Even though we Indians must re-build this year, wait 'till next year!  Call now, and we'll throw in a Victor Martinez trade!  Don't delay!"

KC Royals

"Billy you-know-who here for the Rural team Royals.  With a fanship promise, you can remember the great days of old.  Bo, George, and everyone else.  You're favorites.  No one else can give you the Bo-Brett double-play deal!  Call now, before they loose another game or Zack Grienke's ERA jumps another ten points!  Don't delay!"

Detroit Tigers

Welcome to Baseball's worst city, Detroit.  But, not to worry, baseball here is great.  Billy Mays here at beautiful Comerica Park, mostly because it's the only safe place to be here in Detroit.  Trust be, stay away from the auto workers, they are pissed off right now.  But, even though Detroit is failing, the only person on this club failing right now is the D-Train!  From M-Cab, to Granderson to Inge, great young stars are playing here in Detroit.  You don't want to miss out on a future of success, do you?  Don't delay, call now!"

LA Angels

"Can you see my Halo?  Billy Mays here for the only club to root for in the AL East, the LAoA.  The only club with two city names in it!  You can be scared of Big Bad Vlad, and cheer for Torii Hunter, the most girly name in baseball, and even root for a double-A worthy first baseman!  Call now, and I'll give you your very own halo!  Don't delay!"

Texas Rangers

"Billy Mays here for the Texas Rangers.  Are you looking for a club with some great offense?  Well take a look at this offense!  Look inside...Hamilton, Kinsler, Young, and Blalock can really pack a punch.  If you call now, we'll throw in the longest name in all of baseball!  Don't delay!  Call now!"

Seattle Mariners

"Billy Mays here for the 116 game winners the Seattle Mariners.  No other team out there has ever won that many games.  And if that isn't enough, let me tell you about Ichi-mania out here in Seattle!  Ichiro rocks!  You want to be an Ichiro fan, right?  Well, pledge your fanship now, and we'll send you an Ichiro hat!  Free!  But, we only have limited numbers of hats, so call now!"

Oakland A's

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the A's.  Do you take steroids?  I sure hope not, because I've seen here in Oakland what they do to you.  However, it makes our baseball very exciting.  The only reason Derek Jeter made the best play ever be a short stop was because of steroids.  Jason Giambi had a syringe full of 'roids in his back pocket making him afraid to slide, giving Posada time to put the tag on.  If you want exciting baseball, head out here!"

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