My brother and I were sitting in the living room this morning watching TV when an annoying commercial came on.
My brother said "At least we won't have to listen to Billy Mays anymore."
I saw my Yankees hat, picked it up, and began:
"Shanan H. here for the New York Yankees..."
And that's where this idea came from.
So now, if Billy Mays were to do an ad for every MLB team, here’s what it would be like:
(Organized by division.)
"Billy Mays here for the New York Yankees. Today, you can root for baseball's greatest team by calling the number below. The Yankees have won 26 World Series, and come with a career .506 winning percentage. Not only that, if you pledge your fanship in the next 10 minutes by calling the number below, we will throw in a free Yankees hat. Who could say no with names like Ruth, Gehrig, and Mantle? Don't delay! Call now!"
"Hi! Billy Mays here for the Toronto Blue Jays. They are so middle of the road, every game will be exciting. Will they win, you never know. And, they come with a lifetime excitement guarantee! Who could say no to Roy Halladay? Call now!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Boston Red Sox. The best team this decade, you're sure to a lifetime of fun and excitement. A group of fun-loving idiots, you'll fall in love with every player. From Pedroia to Papi to Teki to Youk, you'll have a blast with these Sox. Call now, and we'll throw in not one, but two World Series wins this decade. That’s more than any other team is offering. Call now, and you'll even get an autographed Papi jersey! Don't pull a Bill Buckner! Call now!"
Tampa Bay Rays
"Billy Mays here to make some noise for the Tampa Bay Rays. These underdogs know how to fight. Calling now will insure your fanship for years to come. You can join us Ray’s fans inside noisy Tropicana Field. The Rays are the only team offering an updated AL championship. Call now, and we'll throw in a free, ultra-loud cowbell. You want to root for the underdog, right? Call now!"
"Are you ready for a hot return to the past? Hi, Billy Mays here for the surfacing Baltimore Orioles. Slowly but surely, they are making their way to being a great team. Watch Adam Jones fly though the outfield and Matt Wieters catch fastballs speeding along from Jeremy Guthrie. Be the first on your block to certify your fanship, because if they start winning, you can brag you were the first. Call now!"
Chicago White Sox
"Watch these bad boys finally make baseball hot again. Billy Mays here for the toughest, baddest team out there, the Chicago White Sox. All of you Rednecks who thing baseball is a bunch of boring BS, here's the team you should root for. They come as just one of seven teams to win a World Series this decade. They have a fiery and fun to watch club. Call now, and we'll even throw in a free fight with A.J. Pierzynski or Ozzie Guillen. You pick! Call now or you're dead meat!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Minnesota Twins. Yes, it's cold up here, but while rooting for these Twinkies, you'll be plenty comfortable in climate-controlled Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. Only one other ballpark offers something this nice. Come make some noise in the loudest ballpark out there. The Twins love your fanship so much; they will throw in a classic Johan Santana signed ball. Oh, wait, isn't he gone now? Oh well! Call now!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for your Cleveland Indians. How would you like a fireworks show in between each half inning? Well, with Cleveland, now you can. You can even watch a Choo Choo train from the ballpark! Even though we Indians must re-build this year, wait 'till next year! Call now, and we'll throw in a Victor Martinez trade! Don't delay!"
"Billy you-know-who here for the Rural team Royals. With a fanship promise, you can remember the great days of old. Bo, George, and everyone else. You're favorites. No one else can give you the Bo-Brett double-play deal! Call now, before they loose another game or Zack Grienke's ERA jumps another ten points! Don't delay!"
Welcome to Baseball's worst city, Detroit. But, not to worry, baseball here is great. Billy Mays here at beautiful Comerica Park, mostly because it's the only safe place to be here in Detroit. Trust be, stay away from the auto workers, they are pissed off right now. But, even though Detroit is failing, the only person on this club failing right now is the D-Train! From M-Cab, to Granderson to Inge, great young stars are playing here in Detroit. You don't want to miss out on a future of success, do you? Don't delay, call now!"
"Can you see my Halo? Billy Mays here for the only club to root for in the AL East, the LAoA. The only club with two city names in it! You can be scared of Big Bad Vlad, and cheer for Torii Hunter, the most girly name in baseball, and even root for a double-A worthy first baseman! Call now, and I'll give you your very own halo! Don't delay!"
"Billy Mays here for the Texas Rangers. Are you looking for a club with some great offense? Well take a look at this offense! Look inside...Hamilton, Kinsler, Young, and Blalock can really pack a punch. If you call now, we'll throw in the longest name in all of baseball! Don't delay! Call now!"
"Billy Mays here for the 116 game winners the Seattle Mariners. No other team out there has ever won that many games. And if that isn't enough, let me tell you about Ichi-mania out here in Seattle! Ichiro rocks! You want to be an Ichiro fan, right? Well, pledge your fanship now, and we'll send you an Ichiro hat! Free! But, we only have limited numbers of hats, so call now!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the A's. Do you take steroids? I sure hope not, because I've seen here in Oakland what they do to you. However, it makes our baseball very exciting. The only reason Derek Jeter made the best play ever be a short stop was because of steroids. Jason Giambi had a syringe full of 'roids in his back pocket making him afraid to slide, giving Posada time to put the tag on. If you want exciting baseball, head out here!"
New York Mets
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the New York Mets. Are you not a Yankees fan? Not a Red Sox fan? Well, join us, the third team. The other side of New York includes a star-studded line-up, and some great pitchers. Johan Santana and David Wright come free with this deal. Why say no? Call now, and we'll send a free statue of a baseball going though Bill Buckner's legs! Don't delay!"
"Be one of just a few! Watch Baseball's best stars get really good, then leave! Billy Mays here for Baseball's underdogs, the Marlins. One of baseball's newer clubs, they have been very, very successful. And, great players grew up here! From Beckett to Burnett to Derek Lee, all your favorite MLBers started here! Call now, we only have limited fanships available! Don't delay!"
Billy refused to do them because "there's nothing to advertise."
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Phillies. Really, you should already be rooting for them, but otherwise I need to just say one thing: World Series. And if that didn't convince you; Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Rauuuuul Ibanez. You're guaranteed a winner with this club!"
"Hi Billy Mays here with an important question: Do you ever have problems with your pitching? If so, come to us. The Atlanta Braves have produced multiple great pitchers, and will continue to in the future.
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Pirates. Are you tired of having to pick up the shattered pieces of a World Series team and having to re-build? Well, with the Pirates, you will never have to worry about that, as the Pirates come with a life-time re-building guarantee! It was re-newed yet again with the trade of Nate McLouth! Forget pieces, get Pirates!"
St. Louis Cardinals
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Cardinals. How often does your team win the World Series? Unless you root for the Yankees or the Cards, not enough. St. Louis has won 9 championships, second most in MLB. So, you get a consistent team. But, that's not all! Call in the next ten minutes, and I'll throw in a star first baseman. I'm not done yet! Call by July 15, and I'll throw in an All Star game! Don't delay!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Brew Crew. Is your team getting old? Well stop rooting for them, and come on over here to us, the Brewers. We have a lifetime youth guarantee! And, we're a great pick for Jews! Come on in, sit right down. Need a Beer? That's what Milwaukee is all about!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Cubs. In 101 years, we have yet to win a World Series, but we're having a blast! All of these failures sure are fun to watch! But seriously, let's get to the point here. The Cubs have one of the best line-ups on paper. Not only that, but they come with a no World Series guarantee! But now!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Cincinnati Reds. The Big Red Machine; its back up and running. The days of old are coming back to Cinci, except now, if you join, you'll get to watch it in a much nicer stadium! Call now, and get ready!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Astros. Does your baseball team have enough stars? Well, we have enough to go around. Carlos Lee, Roy Oswalt, and Miguel Tejada arm our team. Do you want to watch stars play? Then join us, and I'll throw in a pass to touch Hunter Pence! Don't delay!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Dodgers. Do you like Manny? If no, you needn't finish reading this. If yes, you'll love the Dodgers. This crew provides one of the best out fields, and a great coach. Your certified at catcher for ten, make it 15 years. That’s right, 15 years! Call now, and get your certification!"
San Francisco Giants
"Hi, Billy Mays here for my new product, OxiClean Stain Removal. Watch this...drip some on your baseball team, and all of a sudden its winning! Magic! The secret is; getting rid of Barry Bonds molecules. Lets watch again...in real time. Okay, I spill the wine, pour in OxiClean, push, and dry. Good as New! Call now to get your own!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Rockies. Do you like excitement? Then call the number on the bottom of your screen to become a Rockies fan. The jack-of-all-trades team will keep you wondering time and time again. So, if you need some excitement in your life, call now!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the D-Backs. Today, I want to talk to you about the importance of youth. Not only can bad youth change and become good, but it can be talented. If you want youth, call the number at the bottom of your screen. From Drew to Upton to Snyder, Arizona has all the youth you'll ever need!"
"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Padres. Do you like to see two players holding a team together? Than call the number at the bottom of your screen. For calling today, you'll get an Adrian Gonzalez shirt, a Jake Peavy hat, and a Kevin Kouzmanoff jacket. Isn't Kouzmanoff a cool name? If you want cool names, call now!
That's all! Thanks for reading.
*Disclaimer: Billy Mays did not actually endorse or write any of these things. Actually, he couldn’t because he's dead (R.I.P.). So, if you don't like it, blame me. If you choose to read it aloud, burst vocal chords and eardrums are not the fault of the author. Not a copyright, and no rights reserved.