July 8th 2009
7:30 a.m. The alarm clock didn't go off, and I'm concerned that I ripped my David Beckham PJs in the hurry to dress myself. I got straight into a suit, all white obviously.
8:00 a.m. Cristiano Ronaldo came round to hoover the house, I forgot that I had written that into his contract. I gave my normal maid, Raul, the day off. I was also surprised at the amount of time Cristiano took to clean the mirrors.
In fact I swear they were dirtier after he'd finished. There were these weird marks everywhere on them. Must have been some new cleaning agent he used.
9:00 a.m. I got into the office on time but I forgot what exactly it is that my job entails. So I decided to count all my money instead. One, two, three...
11:15 a.m. ...infinity plus two, infinity plus three, infinity plus four, infinity plus five. I have infinity plus five euros! That was fun.
11:30 a.m. Logged into facebook for a little bit. It's complicated between Pep Guardiola and Samuel Eto'o apparently. I poked Franck Ribery.
12:00 p.m. Lucifer, the prince of darkness came over for lunch. It was nice of him to check up on me! He told me that he's come up with a new method of payment now, according to the new system I can pay him my soul in monthly installments, if that makes things easier for me. I told him I'd have to pass it by the wife first.
3 p.m. I went to post a letter to Sepp Blatter. I would email him but he doesn't like using technology. In the queue there was this middle-aged couple talking about how good Mick Jagger is. I've never heard of him but if he's as great as they're making out I might put a bid in for him. After all, that's how I found Raul Albiol.
5 p.m. Finally off work! I went straight home, I'd invited Kaka and Benzema to hang out with me. My mum came in and embarrassed me by asking me whether we wanted some milk. I took her to one side and told her that she was embarrassing me in front of the cool kids! She just slapped me around the head and I had to hold back the tears.
I could hear Kaka laughing so I just went up to him and said, "I don't know why you're laughing, you've only got one name!" He ran out of the house sobbing. No one messes with the Flo.
6 p.m. Karim and I watched Goal 2. We agreed that it's the only sequel that's better than the original. What is a Newcastle anyway?
8 p.m. Zidane came around to put another layer of gold paint on the Bentley and take out the engine.
9 p.m. My eldest son said that he wanted some new Action Man. So I bought him Jean-Claude Van Damme. Shipping's gonna take five working days though, I hate ebay.
10 p.m. On facebook, Franck Ribery poked me back.
11 p.m. Dressed for bed, got in. Now I'm gonna cry myself to sleep like normal. Oh, the loneliness of my existence.