NBA Draft: Dave Metrick Declares His Eligibility

It’s with great excitement that I, Dave Metrick, publicly declare my intention to make myself eligible for the 2008 NBA Draft.

It was a difficult, gut-wrenching decision.  But after many intense conversations with my family and my God, I’ve decided that it’s time for me to take my game to the next level: the National Basketball Association. 

Playing in the NBA has always been a dream of mine.  A dream I always assumed could never come to fruition.  See, at 34 years of age, I’m no longer what you would call young and my five-foot-ten, 190-pound frame isn’t exactly NBA ready.  I’m also woefully slow and have no “hops” whatsoever.  “Upside” is definitely not a word Hubie Brown would use to describe me. 

But fear not.  Once drafted, I’ll be hiring a personal trainer and introducing myself to several local HGH dealers. 

For NBA general managers out there who might consider taking a second round flyer on me, here’s what Dave Metrick brings to the table. 

-I’m fiercely competitive.  But in a good way. 

-I’m a pretty good jump shooter (when left wide open) and would undoubtedly have a higher free throw percentage than Shaq. 

-What I lack in lateral quickness I make up for in personality. 

-I’m very mature and could instantly become a team leader and/or designated driver. 

-I’m basically like a much shorter, much slower Mark Madsen.

Preposterous, you say?  Perhaps.  But is having a short, slow white guy play in the Association really any stupider than having the All-Star game in Las Vegas, moving a franchise from Seattle to Oklahoma City, or letting Isiah Thomas run the Knicks?  I didn’t think so.  

The reality is I don’t have what it takes top play in the NBA.  But why let that fact get in the way of my hoop dreams?  Reality certainly isn’t preventing this year’s avalanche of under-qualified underclassmen from going pro.

There are plenty of college players who are ready to make the jump.  But there aren’t fifty of them.  That’s right, this year there are nearly fifty early entries into June’s NBA draft, but only sixty selections.  And when you take into consideration seniors and foreign-born players, there just aren’t enough selections to accommodate everyone. 

So why are all of these kids taking a chance that might wind up biting them in the backside?  Because they’ve been blinded by the dream of playing NBA basketball – the money, the fame, the women, the tattoos… the women with tattoos.  It’s just too much to turn down.   

I know there’s a good chance I won’t get drafted into the NBA come June.  I’ll probably spend the entire draft sitting on my couch waiting for a phone call that never comes.  But sadly I won’t be alone.  Many of the early entries will be right there with me.  And when their phone call doesn’t come, they’ll realize they’ve made a horrible mistake, and suddenly their NBA dream will seem as unattainable as mine. 

Well, maybe not that unattainable.