The reasons why the Atlanta Braves of the last three-or-so years so closely resemble every relationship I've ever had (be prepared, because the Bitterness Express is coming through):
1. NOTHING EVER HAS 'ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME'
If one more girl barfs out one more version of the "it's not you it's me" song and dance, I may finally snap (though as I'm writing this we're probably both wondering if this is that moment).
Seriously? Be a little more creative, for both of our sakes.
And, of course, I have literally no actual control over the Braves, only furthering my sorrows. I stopped playing baseball in eighth grade after I dropped what would have been the final out of my team's only win of the season, and, while I would have been an obvious choice to replace Our Lord and Savior John Schuerholz as GM, alas, I again am left powerless, fruitless and lonely.
2. THEY BOTH BETRAY ME
The Braves kill me. I wanted Maddux back. I considered mildly hurting myself when Glavine went to the Mets. They have a soulless disregard for my wishes and my feelings.
So do females. Maybe it's because I'm naturally such a nice guy, but I always get taken advantage of. Nice dinners, movies and random presents are returned in the form of spite and my girlfriends' enjoyment of company from males not typically named Tyler Estep. It's a wonderful world we live in.
3. NOBODY LIKES THEM
In general, my friends absolutely hate my lady friends, even before that seed of hatred is planted in my own heart and sprouts full-force out of my slowly exploding brain. I pick terrible, terrible young women to get involved with.
And the Braves can't even get people to come to their games, even when they were good. I went to the home opener this year, Tom Glavine's first start back in Atlanta, and it wasn't even remotely close to a sellout. Come on people.
4. ULTIMATE DISAPPOINTMENT
At the risk of ridicule, I'll admit I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic (in sports and love), but my dreams are inevitably shattered.
No matter how much of a believer I am in a Braves team at the beginning of the year, it always turns out badly. They can't do it anymore. They can't compete with the Mets' spending, something always goes wrong, and I ultimately end up sad and alone in October.
Same goes for broads--they don't like me. It doesn't matter how wonderful they seem at first, there's something wrong with them, and it will make itself known and spell disaster in the end.
And the final reason why my girlfriends and the Braves are eerily and heartbreakingly similar......
5. BECAUSE I CAN'T FREAKING HELP IT
I'm not going to stop liking the Braves or picking heartless wenches of girlfriends anytime soon, because I just can't. I can't and I won't. My plight is a self-inflicted one, but, plain and simple, I really just can't freaking help it.
There you go. I did it. I got it out. If there's one thing we've all learned today, it's that I really hate my life.