The reasons why the Atlanta Braves of the last three-or-so years so closely resemble every relationship I've ever had (be prepared, because the Bitterness Express is coming through):
1. NOTHING EVER HAS 'ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME'
If one more girl barfs out one more version of the "it's not you it's me" song and dance, I may finally snap (though as I'm writing this we're probably both wondering if this is that moment).
Seriously? Be a little more creative, for both of our sakes.
And, of course, I have literally no actual control over the Braves, only furthering my sorrows. I stopped playing baseball in eighth grade after I dropped what would have been the final out of my team's only win of the season, and, while I would have been an obvious choice to replace Our Lord and Savior John Schuerholz as GM, alas, I again am left powerless, fruitless and lonely.
2. THEY BOTH BETRAY ME
The Braves kill me. I wanted Maddux back. I considered mildly hurting myself when Glavine went to the Mets. They have a soulless disregard for my wishes and my feelings.
- B/R Ticket Guide
So do females. Maybe it's because I'm naturally such a nice guy, but I always get taken advantage of. Nice dinners, movies and random presents are returned in the form of spite and my girlfriends' enjoyment of company from males not typically named Tyler Estep. It's a wonderful world we live in.
3. NOBODY LIKES THEM
In general, my friends absolutely hate my lady friends, even before that seed of hatred is planted in my own heart and sprouts full-force out of my slowly exploding brain. I pick terrible, terrible young women to get involved with.
And the Braves can't even get people to come to their games, even when they were good. I went to the home opener this year, Tom Glavine's first start back in Atlanta, and it wasn't even remotely close to a sellout. Come on people.
4. ULTIMATE DISAPPOINTMENT
At the risk of ridicule, I'll admit I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic (in sports and love), but my dreams are inevitably shattered.
No matter how much of a believer I am in a Braves team at the beginning of the year, it always turns out badly. They can't do it anymore. They can't compete with the Mets' spending, something always goes wrong, and I ultimately end up sad and alone in October.
Same goes for broads--they don't like me. It doesn't matter how wonderful they seem at first, there's something wrong with them, and it will make itself known and spell disaster in the end.
And the final reason why my girlfriends and the Braves are eerily and heartbreakingly similar......
5. BECAUSE I CAN'T FREAKING HELP IT
I'm not going to stop liking the Braves or picking heartless wenches of girlfriends anytime soon, because I just can't. I can't and I won't. My plight is a self-inflicted one, but, plain and simple, I really just can't freaking help it.
There you go. I did it. I got it out. If there's one thing we've all learned today, it's that I really hate my life.
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8 months ago
Hi Tyler,
I want you to know that you aren't alone in your sentiments because I too have compared the Braves to many lady's I've had the luck or lack thereof to date.
I do want to say, though, that the only traitor to the tomahawk at the moment is a certain center fielder who can't hit higher the .220 or so but is black hole in the field when he's not being lazy. I was excited when I read an article in SI last August where the nameless Mr. Jones expressed his hope & desire to stay in Atlanta and as soon as the Dodgers ponied up the $ he's not worth he was gone like he'd never heard of Atlanta. At the very least Tom Glavine had the good sense to know he's a Brave and always will be even if he dons the enemy's colors for a time.
Interestingly enough when it comes to Glavine & his return we run into the only relationship I had with a girl that ended terribly but that ended up giving me my best friend back(her) in the end - but, there for the time being is that little thought of betrayal because of her time spent in Shea Stadium's bullpen when not pitching.
I think you might appreciate this - I say that the Red Sox are not & were not the most frustrated team of the 1990's when everyone remembered that them and the Yankees were rivals and drama queens. I say that because the Red Sox were at least not good enough immediately to pull off a championship and only recently have been playoff regulars whereas the Braves went every year for 15 straight years - and the Red Sox have won two already in their short time as a great team and we won once out of fifteen years. I would rather my team not make it at all rather than tease me all the time just like every girl I've ever dated.
At least Chipper's on a tear right now... It's only taken him 3 years to regain his MVP caliber play but it's something... woe are we...
8 months ago
How in Andruw a traitor? We didn't want to bring him back. We already determined that before the year was even over. We said we were going separate ways before he even hit the market. We offered Glavine comprable money to stay, and he bolted. We didn't offer Andruw anything.
But yeah, I'd totaly prefer to not have chance to win a World Series than be an annual contender. You say the Braves went 1 for 15 in that stretch, right? Well in that same stretch the Blue Jays were just 2 for 15. The Twins and Angels were just 1 for 15. The Pirates and Reds were 0 for 15. Since our run began in 1991 only the Blue Jays, Yankees, Marlins and Red Sox have more World Series rings. However, of those four teams, two of them have spent more than half that time not even finishing 2nd in their divisions. But yeah, this "1 for 15" stretch is just horrible.
It's only taken him three years? Seriously, you might want to check out Chipper's numbers the past couple of years.
In all seriousness, you might want to check out a lot of things before you post any more comments.
8 months ago
A very humurous comparison to relationships and baseball. But seriously, as one who was raised on minor league baseball, I am happy not only to be in a major league city but to have a very good franchise (IMO). Many players have come through the Braves clubhouse; some have stayed, others have gone on to other teams and others retired. I have yet to hear one of them say anything bad about Bobby Cox or the franchise (that was baseball related).
Hopefully, the difference between your relationships and the Braves is that baseball is a business- where the object is to make as much as possible with minimal investment. Ultimately, baseball's goal is to take our money and to have us like it- by associating us with a winner.
I never wanted Maddux or Glavine to leave. Marquis Grissom hiw in every post season game in 1995, and then came back to hit .300 the next year. What did they do to him? They traded him to Cleveland! That's baseball...it'll break your heart- because as fans, we know so little about what goes on behind closed doors. Need I bring up Mike Hampton or Bob Wickman? Heck, Ron Gant has a 30-30 season and then proceeds to hurt himself on a dirt bike in the off season! A flippin' dirt bike accident! 1991 could have been a championship season, but Lonnie Smith held up at third after Pendleton's double!
But as a Braves fan from 1981, I have to say that this has been awesome. Sure, the string of division championships is over, but what a run. I have newspapers and programs going back to 1990- when they lost big. I have autographs and memorabilia. We have a winner. Back in the 80's, all we could do was cheer Dale Murphy on to 30 homers, marvel at Gene Garber's crazy windup, laugh at Bruce Benedict try to catch Phil Neikro's knuckleball, and hope that Bob Horner wouldn't hurt his wrist again...all without the hope of contending for the division.
It's not just the Braves, it's baseball. And if you think the Braves will hurt you, try talking to a Cubs, Rays or Rangers fan!
8 months ago
I have to disagree and agree with both of you.
I don't think Andruw is a traitor.....I've never really liked him (defense is great but when you hit barely over .200, strike out a thousand times and are hands down the least clutch person on the team, it's time to go--it feels like all of his home runs and RBI came when the Braves were already either up by a lot or down by a lot), and the Braves rightfully let him go, not the other way around.
That said, I really do feel like it's worse to be in the playoffs every year and never win then just never be in the playoffs, at least from a fan's perspective. From Jim Leyritz in '96 to everything else that somehow went wrong for the Braves in the postseason, I have to say that the last few years when they haven't made the playoffs have been far easier to stomach.
from 8 months ago
Sorry man, that's ridiculous, lol. You'd rather lose constantly and have no chance to win anything than be a contender ever year. The baseball postseason is a crap shoot, anything can happen. I'd prefer to have a chance to win it all then lose 90 games every year. I can't believe you wouldn't. No real fan would. You can't possibly say you enjoy losing more than winning. You can't possibly mean that, can you? You can't possibly mean you'd rather have your season rendered meaningless by mid August as opposed to be one of 8 teams left with a chance to be World Champs? Please.
I personally hate the term "clutch", but for the sake of argument, you do realize that Andruw's OBP for his career is .341, but in "late and close" situations it is .359. His OPS in "late and close" situations is .830, for his career I believe it is .834, so there's not a lot of truth behind the argument that he's better when the game isn't "on the line".
8 months ago
A very humurous comparison to relationships and baseball. But seriously, as one who was raised on minor league baseball, I am happy not only to be in a major league city but to have a very good franchise (IMO). Many players have come through the Braves clubhouse; some have stayed, others have gone on to other teams and others retired. I have yet to hear one of them say anything bad about Bobby Cox or the franchise (that was baseball related).
Hopefully, the difference between your relationships and the Braves is that baseball is a business- where the object is to make as much as possible with minimal investment. Ultimately, baseball's goal is to take our money and to have us like it- by associating us with a winner.
I never wanted Maddux or Glavine to leave. Marquis Grissom hiw in every post season game in 1995, and then came back to hit .300 the next year. What did they do to him? They traded him to Cleveland! That's baseball...it'll break your heart- because as fans, we know so little about what goes on behind closed doors. Need I bring up Mike Hampton or Bob Wickman? Heck, Ron Gant has a 30-30 season and then proceeds to hurt himself on a dirt bike in the off season! A flippin' dirt bike accident! 1991 could have been a championship season, but Lonnie Smith held up at third after Pendleton's double!
But as a Braves fan from 1981, I have to say that this has been awesome. Sure, the string of division championships is over, but what a run. I have newspapers and programs going back to 1990- when they lost big. I have autographs and memorabilia. We have a winner. Back in the 80's, all we could do was cheer Dale Murphy on to 30 homers, marvel at Gene Garber's crazy windup, laugh at Bruce Benedict try to catch Phil Neikro's knuckleball, and hope that Bob Horner wouldn't hurt his wrist again...all without the hope of contending for the division.
It's not just the Braves, it's baseball. And if you think the Braves will hurt you, try talking to a Cubs, Rays or Rangers fan!
8 months ago
hey man i was gonna compare the flyers to my ex girlfriends, but i felt like i would be copying a girl who compared the sharks to her ex boyfriends. so instead i compared the flyers to a 1953 Chevy. it worked surprisingly well!
8 months ago
nice. I must have missed the comparison from the girl comparing the sharks to boyfriends, or I wouldn't have done so either. Went back and read hers though, liked it, and I enjoyed yours too.
7 months ago
lol very good humorous article sports and life often do tie in well especially in relationships like my patriots for example went perfect til they ran into the run of the mill giants like me and my ex everything was great and going well and things couldn't go wrong and then a run of the mill argument blew up in our faces and now its over....GOD I HATE THE GIANTS!
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