Tips for the Toothpick

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Tips for the Toothpick
(Photo by J. Meric/Getty Images)

Dusty, the first thing I would do is start eating properly in an attempt to shed those love handles and that rapidly forming double chin.

Next up, get rid of the toothpick habit. I'd rather see Earl Weaver and his constant cigarettes than look at that toothpick again.

Now that we've got the personal business out of the way. Dusty? Yes, I mean it, get that toothpick out of your mouth. Every time you visit the mound, I can't help but picturing you in a pair of bibbed overalls. 

Now can we get on with the team affairs? Thank you.

First order of business...if I were you, I would resign. 

Since I doubt that will happen any time soon, let me give you some pointers. Are sure you don't want to resign, right? Farm living would look good on you buddy. 

Alright then.  

Let's address the pitching staff:

Arroyo needs to go on the disabled list, while Cueto should not pitch until after the All-Star break. Arroyo going on the DL opens a roster spot and you're going to need to send somebody down because there is no way you can risk pitching a guy on three-days rest with the current state of your starters.

Then call up Matt Maloney and Justin Lehr. 

After the break Johnny Jewel should be cool again, so you are going to need to send either Maloney or Lehr back down. How about this idea? Keep whoever has the best game. If it's too close to call, just keep Lehr. Maloney has had his shot.

On to the starting lineup:

It's gotten to the point where I really don't care who you start. You win. Start whoever you'd like. 

I am more concerned about the air brained batting order on the card. What are you drunk or something?

What is wrong with two left-handed bats in a row? And for the love of all things good, bat Willy Taveras in the nine hole—Tony Larussa style. That way in the off chance that he does reach base, it's possible that Votto may see more bags full.

And listen, since you are so fond of the double-switch, what difference would it make to bat Micah Owings in the sixth spot when he pitches—after Bruce or Phillips depending on who is on the mound.

For right-handed starters, I want you to keep Votto in the three spot, and play Bruce at cleanup. Why can't you see that this is a good idea? 

Jay Bruce feeds off of Votto like a wide eyed puppy dog. Having them back-to-back against righties—shoot, maybe even lefties will be nothing, but beneficial.

Concerning third base, I know that I hopped the Edwin waggon while he was away, but I have seen the light again. The guy has no business in the starting lineup. 

In fact, if I don't see Hanigan get a shot before the All-Star break, I will use my my new B/R clout to get you sacked my friend.

You do realize that I am now regarded as a "scribe" and no longer just a "contributor"?  While I am not exactly certain what credentials I now have with your owner, Bob Castellini—I am fairly certain that I will be able to talk (and maybe even hang out with) your General Manager, Walt Jocketty.

Rest assured Mr. Toothpick, if you do not follow my instructions—well...let's just say you'll be standing in-line waiting for the free cheese.

 

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