Female Cleveland Indians Fans to Tribe Brass: Sizemore Matters (Satire)

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Female Cleveland Indians Fans to Tribe Brass: Sizemore Matters (Satire)
(Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

This article is rated PG-13 by the author for minor innuendo and major stupidity.

In the midst of another daunting baseball season, the Cleveland Indians find themselves in a familiar place this July.

Dead last.

But unlike most years, this time the Tribe's female fans are not taking it lying down. Should the Tribe choose to "rebuild" this season, many women are making it clear that their favorite player, Grady Sizemore, should be excluded from any future trade talks.

"I'm tired of hearing from the men in the front office that all we need is a 'steady hand in the dugout' and 'some rhythm in the rotation,'" said a red-faced Linda from Avon Lake.

"The men may not think so, but Sizemore matters."

"All I know," agreed Betsy from Willoughby, "is that when you need someone to round third and head for home, Sizemore matters a lot!"

Even Tribe skipper Eric Wedge has become an object of the wrath from these women scorned.

"At least Grady will stand up to the manager when he's wrong," said Liz from Parma Heights.

"In fact, when Sizemore gets into Wedge, I sometimes feel like I'm going to lose my breath and I have to yell 'Oh yes, Grady!' just to keep from passing out."

Although Sizemore has had a pretty decent season, there have been whispers about his lack of walks.

"Listen," said Veronica from Brookpark. "I'm not that concerned with balls."

Judith from Shaker Heights pretty well summed up the feelings of most female Tribe fans concerning their favorite outfielder.

"Everyone knows that for the girls, it's not about getting to first base," said the red, white, and blue clad fan. "What we really want is a grand-slam."

"Of course, I'd settle for a head-first slide into home."

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