Bleacher Report's most awesome writer, yours truly Rocky Getters, is always there whenever something spectacular happens in the world of sports.
And indeed, something extraordinary, something unexpected, something hilarious happened last night, which Rocky feels must be reported to the entire world.
Nah...as good as Federer's win was, something else happened behind the cameras, that was just out-of-this-world fantastic!
Thankfully, this reporter recorded every single word spoken in that conference call, and has posted it here!
Roger Federer (RF): "Hello, Rafa?" (his happiness was evident in his tone.)
Rafael Nadal (RN): "Hey Roger...." (in a very gloomy tone.)
RF: "How is your knee, my friend?"
RN: "It is good, I called the doctor and he said..."
RF: "Good, good. I WON the Wimbledon final! I won, I won, I WON, Rafa!"
RN: "Well... good for you, I guess..."
RF: "I mean it was an easy match. I just demolished Roddick!"
Andy Roddick (AR): "(sniff, sniff) You know that's not true Roger... *sobbing*... you know I gave you a run for your money... *sniff*"
RN: "Yeah, he came here to meet me, and well...share his grief. I've got your call on the speaker and he heard what you said..."
RF: "Well...I mean, yeah...he gave a good fight and all. But still, I won! I won the Wimbledon!"
Andy Murray (AM): "Oh bloody hell you did! Another f***ing title, and the whole f***ing media is going ga-ga over you! I hate the f***ing media, I bloody hate 'em!"
RN: "Is that the Brit?"
RF: "Yeah, Murray is here, I have the call on speaker too."
AM: "Arrrrgggghhh! Now till the next Wimbledon, the British media will be writing hundreds of f***ing editorials on how one more time a British player failed to win the Wimby."
RF: "Hold on, I have a call...I'm gonna put every call I get on conference now....Hello, who's this?"
Serena Williams (SW): "Hey Roger, well played last night. Congrats."
RF: "Thanks Serena! So, you heard, right? That I won? That I won the Wimbledon? I won the Wimbledon, Serena!"
SW: "Yes. I think both of you played really well, and I admire both you and Andy, and think this was a..."
RF: "Thanks Serena! I cannot believe you are praising me so much! Wow, thanks!"
RN: "I'm getting a call here too...wait..."
The caller: "Hey Maryse, how you doing mami?"
AM: "What the bloody hell? Who the f*** is this?"
RN: "This is not Maryse's number...who are you?"
The caller: "You mean you don't...you don't recognize MY voice? You don't recognize the voice of The Rock? The greatest, the most ellllllectrifying athlete, the people's champion - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson!"
SW: "Hey, aren't you that has-been talentless WWE wrestler, who went into movies and his acting career failed too?"
The Rock (TR): "What...? No, no, no! That... that sounds like John Cena. You see, this is the Rock, baby! The people's champion -The Rock!"
RF: "Hey, I am the people's champion! I won the Wimbledon!"
TR: "What the...? Who.... in the blue hell... are YOU?"
RF: "I'm Roger Federer, I'm the Wimbledon champion. I won the title back last night!"
TR: "You think you are the people's champion? You think...oh.. you think you are better than the Rock?! Tell you what..yeah, the Rock tells you this, the Rock tells you this..Roger Federer, you can take that Wimbledon title...turn it sideways and..."
Click. Roger Federer disconnects that call.
RF: "Where was I...?"
AM: "You were pulling out every bloody word from the English language to praise yourself, that's where you were. And Roddick... for god's sake, stop crying! I can hear you over the phone here!"
AR: "Sorry..I can't help it *sniff, sniff* I was so close...*sniff, sniff*"
SW: "Hey Andy. Don't cry please. I think you played really well, and I guess sometimes in life it just comes down to..."
RN: "Hey, I'm getting another call..."
Andre Agassi (AA):"How's everyone doing there Rafa?"
RN: "Well, Federer won. So for the next one month, we will be discussing just that I guess."
RF: "Andre...is that you? I broke your record, didn't I? No wait... it was Pete Sampras. Doesn't matter really...hehe"
AA: "Congrats Roger. I just want you to know, that tonight, you go home with the Wimbledon title. But every night, I go home to Steffi Graf. Now, who's the real winner?!"
AM: "Oh look, the Las Vegas kid is bashing too. Why don't we just bring every f***ing player who has ever won any f***ing title in tennis into this conference call, eh? Where's Pete Sampras?"
Pete Sampras (PS): "I am here. I don't know how. But I am always there, everywhere."
RF: "I've got another call..."
The Undertaker (TU): "REST...IN...PEACE!!" *in a spooky voice...*
AM: "Who the bloody hell died now?"
TU: "Errr... sorry. My name is Undertaker. I'm a WWE superstar. That's my gimmick, I am a dead man."
RF: "The dead man? Are you here to...like...kill me, or something?"
TU: "What? Haha, no. That's just my gimmick. I am a real estate agent during my holidays. Would you be interested in buying some property in Miami?"
RF: "Uhhh...to be honest...No, thanks. Sorry."
TU: "Its alright. Goodbye then...and again, Rest in peace!"
AM: "I'll bloody rest in peace once the f***ing media rests in peace."
SW: "Guys, guys, guys. I think we are getting out of control. Look at the positives. The media reports what it..."
RF: "I have another call..."
Madonna (M): "I don't have much time. I heard someone crying. Was it a baby? Do you have any babies here that I can adopt?"
RN: "No, sorry. It was just Andy Roddick crying cause he lost yesterday..."
M: "Ok, no probs."
RF: "Damn it, I've got another call here too. Hello?"
Vince McMahon (VM): "You're fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired!!!!!"
RF: "I don't work for you...or anybody really. Who are you?"
VM: "Huh? Oh, must have dialled the wrong number again. You see, my eyes swell when I get angry, and I dial the wrong number. I am Vincent Kennedy McMahon, by the way; I own the WWE and I like firing people from their jobs for no reason."
AR: "Fire? Did someone say fire? *sniff, sniff*... Federer fired some powerful forehands past me yesterday...ohh...the pain...*sniff, sniff* "
A caller: "You gotta man up, kid. You gotta learn to salute and respect what you got, like my boys in the chain gang."
RF: "Who now?"
John Cena (JC): "John Cena...the Champ...is...here!"
AM: "You sound more like a chump."
RF: "I am the champ John, I won the Wimbledon title yesterday!"
RN: "I have a call..."
Paris Hilton (PH): "Hey there Poo-poo!! How are you?"
AM: "What kinda f***ing name is poo-poo? Who the hell is this bloody poo-poo anyway?"
PH: "Why is my poo-poo swearing today? Awww... bad poo-poo!"
AM: "Lady, you call me that bloody name one more time... and I'll..."
PH: "So...you're not my pet chihuahua Poo-poo?"
RF: "Wait...you're calling...your dog...on the phone...and expecting him...to answer...in a human voice?"
PH: "I gave my dog a satellite phone so he could talk with me when I'm partying out! I bought a US$ 20 million dog-to-human speech converter over the Internet!"
RF: "There is no such thing...anywhere."
PH: "What? Then who was talking with me for so long and texting - "I love you", "Send money to this address, that address.." messages from my Poo-poo's phone?"
SW: "I can't believe this! I really can't!"
Rocky Getters (RG , the writer): "Serena, do you have Maria Sharapova's number??"
SW: "Rocky! Forget her! She thinks you're a stalker! She changes her number, then you get it from me, and start calling her... its not good. You should focus on your career at this age and then try to..."
RG: "Ok, so you don't, fine. Roddick, help me out buddy."
AR: "Sure Rocky...*sniff, sniff*... her number is... 7...6...6... 7...9...*sniff, sniff*...oh god, that sounds like the score by which I lost, god... this pain...*sniff, sniff*"
RG: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I guess, I'll just..."
Maria Sharapova: "Hey guys, just dropping in. Please don't give my number to some guy named Rocky, ok? He's such an uffff... anyways. I've got a restraining order against him. Yay! Bye everyone!"
A minute of silence.
RG: "I meant Sabine Lisciki... what's her number, please?"
RF: "I won the Wimbledon, and no one cares!! I can't believe it!"
RN: "I can't believe I'm listening to this nonsense instead of resting my knee..."
AM: "I can't bloody believe the journalists are still out there. I mean, get a f***ing life! I can't...^&#$^@ without having to look out the window and ##$% ....... for god's sake!"
PS: "I might just make a return to the tennis circuit. Pete Sampras is not done yet, boys!"
AA: "In your dreams, Pete!"
RG: "Or maybe Ana Ivanovic?"
SW: "All you guys are just the same, all of you! Men, uff! Tell you what, next Wimbledon, I'm gonna compete in the men's circuit. and I know I can beat all of you! Goodbye, and goodnight!"
AR: "*sniff, sniff...sniff* So, I'm not gonna win even next year! My life has no meaning now... *sniff, sniff*
TU: "So, are you sure, none of you guys want to buy a property in Miami, the rates are gonna climb soon now,...no? Oh well... Rest in ..."
For the next one hour, I could only hear incoherent ramblings. And no, I did not get Ana's number.
Things are back to normal now, I guess. I'll be sure to record some more fun stuff soon. Until then, see ya!
Disclaimer: The above article was meant for humorous purposes only. It does not intend to, directly or indirectly, insult or belittle any person, in any case, anywhere. Thanks.
PS: PH: "Poo-poo? Poo-poo!"