"The New York Mess, er, Mets have been declared as 'The Cure For What Ails You,'" said Obama to an emergency session of the United Nations. "Therefore, it is with great pride that we are sending them on a worldwide tour to cure malaria.
"Look, if they can cure the Phillies, they can cure anything."
The announcement was met by thunderous applause, especially in sub-Saharan Africa, Southeast Asia, and Queens.
"Anyting to get dese bums outta here," said Nicky from Yonkers on WFAN. "Just don't let dat mamaluke (Mets second baseman Luis) Castillo near anyting important. He'll drop it."
"Castillo, you suck!" he added.
Zambian President Rupiah Banda said that the Mets will be greeted with open arms.
"These great heroes will save the lives of thousands of Zambian children," said Banda from behind a mosquito net emblazoned with the Mets' logo. "The fact that they can't hit, field, or give any run support to one of the greatest pitchers in the league today means all the world to us."
"Anybody that can break (Phillies shortstop Jimmy) Rollins out of the worst slump of his career can certainly deal with something as simple as malaria."
"Let's Go Mets!" he added, clapping rhythmically.
Rollins whole-heartedly supported the plan as well.
"As long as they come back before our next series with them, I'm all for it," said Rollins, who entered the three game series with only one hit in his last, like, million at-bats. "They certainly cured my slump."
"Forget fat girls, the Mets are the real slump-busters."
Mets pitcher Johan Santana balked at first. "Hey, look, I do my part. I can't help it that this bullpen is incapable of holding a lead, and that Luis (Castillo) can't catch a cold standing in a hospital room full of feverish three year olds. I'm not going."
Santana later relented when reminded that he gave up Rollins' first home run since the Reagan Administration.
Even Brad Lidge, who has an ERA over 7.00, picked up two saves in the series. "Yeah, my head hasn't been right all year," said Lidge, who wasn't even sweating after striking out the side in the ninth to earn his sixteenth save of the year, even though he has blown six saves—some in spectacular fashion—this season.
"I really wasn't sure if I would ever pitch effectively again in the majors. I thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for the New York Mets, and those malaria stricken people soon will also."
It is reported that Pamela Anderson is currently in negotiations to have the Mets come to her house to cure her after they are done with malaria.
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