For the Win: The Coolest Stuff of the Week
It's that time again, everyone.
After another five days of rolling our rocks uphill, it's time to pause the Sisyphean task that is work and embrace the goodness that is weekend in the summer.
I want you to appreciate these next two days. Grab some buddies, buy some fireworks (definitely not the illegal, superfun kind) and do whatever makes you happy. I'm going to a Third Eye Blind concert, because it's cheap and nearby—and you don't turn down a cheap Third Eye Blind concert when it's nearby.
But before we go and live out another semi-charmed kind of weekend (I'm sorry), let's look back at the past seven days in sports. This week, NBA draftees, Luis Suarez memes and insane children are winning the world of sports.
Luis Suarez Biting Memes Take over the Internet
Like so many other soccer fans, I was surprised by how surprised I was after Luis Suarez bit yet another human being on Tuesday.
If you haven't had this point pounded home just yet, the Uruguayan striker bit Italy's Giorgio Chiellini on the shoulder in group play at the World Cup. It was the third time Suarez has chomped on an opponent, starting with PSV Eindhoven's Otman Bakkal in 2010 and then Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic in 2013.
Naturally, the Internet decided to have some fun with the incident and create thousands of memes, including "Hungry Hungry Suarez" and "Suarez Park." Fortunately, FIFA has banned the striker from any form of professional soccer for four months and should probably look into fitting him with a dog cone when he returns to the pitch.
Bill Simmons Celebrates Celtics Draft
I love this. I really do.
The funniest moment of the 2014 NBA draft (after Joel Embiid's tape-delay misery) was Bill Simmons pumping a righteous fist on live television when the Boston Celtics drafted James Young 17th overall. The ESPN writer/analyst/superfan tried to sneak the move in off-camera, but the feed jumped back to the desk the moment he went for the pump.
Simmons is many things, but "over" sports he is not, and he proved that again on Thursday night.
NBA Drafts Isaiah Austin
"Cruel" doesn't begin to capture the nature of Isaiah Austin's predicament.
Just last week, the Baylor center was a shoo-in first-rounder at the NBA draft—an athletic, rangy shot-blocker who overcame a detached retina and forced his way into a stacked draft class. Then Marfan syndrome happened. Awful. Damn. Marfan.
Days before the NBA draft he was diagnosed with Marfan syndrome, a life-threatening disease that causes enlargement of the heart and other internal organs. The condition was discovered in a standard checkup, and its presence immediately ended the young man's future in professional basketball, as the disease can be exacerbated by hard, physical activity.
And thus Austin was left crushed, as his dream to enter the league was snatched away days before the draft—that is, until Adam Silver and the league stepped in.
The commissioner took a moment to recognize Austin's situation and "draft" him into the NBA on Thursday night. It was an emotional moment for all involved and showed again why Silver may be one of the finest commissioners in professional sports.
Andrew Wiggins' Floral Suit
Andrew Wiggins' suit was beyond belief and above reproach.
You don't have to like the Three Amigos look, but if you don't at least respect the black-and-white floral pattern, you're not paying attention.
Young Marlins Fan Loses His Mind
Hero. Myth. Magic Mike understudy.
Call him what you will, just know that this young Marlins fan is out there somewhere, stirring his pelvis and staring intently into the distance. Some people think he's CG animated—that's how strong his moves are.
We don't know his name or where he comes from, just that he appeared on a Fan Cam at a recent Marlins game and moved his hips to "Shakira." He may be the closest thing we have to a real-life Stitch from Lilo & Stitch.
Philly Phanatic Shoots Pig with High-Powered Hot Dog Cannon
This is video of the Philly Phanatic pelting a pig mascot at close range with a 98 mph hot dog.
Never change, Philadelphia.
7-Year-Old Catches Touchdown from Colin Kaepernick, Celebrates in Style
As mentioned earlier, this last week was a wild, Lord of the Flies-ish week in terms of long-cut insanity among child fans.
Kids at ballparks around America danced, grooved and celebrated, but only seven-year-old Jabari Taylor had the oysters to do all this and turn down advice from a pro athlete.
Taylor, a participant at Colin Kaepernick's ProCamp, was selected to run routes with the San Francisco 49ers quarterback on Saturday. He hopped up, screamed his name and proceeded to wave off Kap's route suggestions, opting for the deep fly pattern.
As you can see, Taylor had plans for the end zone.
Umpire Joe West Gets Hit by Line Drive, Flexes Like a Beast
There are manly men, and then there's Joe West—an individual so burly that his solar plexus laughs in the face of line drives.
West was hit with a laser this week while umping a game between the Oakland A's and New York Mets, and his only response was to shuffle a few steps and flex at home plate.
And the Winner Is...
Of course, he wins. It wasn't even close.
On the Twitters.