Five Ridiculous Barry Bonds Defenses

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Five Ridiculous Barry Bonds Defenses
(Photo by Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images)

Barry-roided. Barry lied. Barry disappointed. Barry cheated. Barry, Barry, Barry.

Play it to the bone. The tune hasn't changed in years, and it's getting old. But so is Barry. With the inevitable controversy of Hall of Fame worthiness looming, we must take ourselves outside the box. We must frame this issue in a completely different way in order to understand that it is more than simply black and white.

To do this, baseball fans must employ a few tactics. Firstly, we must entertain the possibility that Barry had reasons for doing what he did. Second, we must assume that Barry is not a bad person. And third, we must create the mental image of a misunderstood, confused man seeking only to fit in and contribute great things to our society.

If you can stomach these images and assumptions for just a moment, let us present a few arguments on his behalf:

1. Barry Bonds shies away from the public eye, meaning he is insecure or otherwise socially inept in some way. He took steroids to fill this void, hoping the substance would simply fill in the synapses misfiring in his brain. Then it's a medical issue, bless him for getting help.

2. He only lied after evidence was brought forth, meaning he places a good deal of faith in the Bill of Rights and the right to self-incrimination. Lady Justice smile upon you Barry. Let freedom ring.

3. One of the reported substances Bond's took was Winstrol, which had already been reported as a key component in the steroid regimens of both Roger Clemens and Rafael Palmeiro. Bonds used Winstrol simply to take some pressure off his fellow ballplayers a la the Adam Sandler pants-peeing in Billy Madison. God bless his solidarity.

4. Bonds took up the fight for Civil Rights and equality when he allegedly made reference to a lack in punitive retaliation for Mark McGwire's supposed steroid use by implying that McGwire got away with it because he was white. Embittered by this racially based favoritism Bonds took performance enhancing drugs to expose a great injustice and spite judicial inconsistancies.

5. Despite malicious bouts of roid rage and intense periods of mood swings, Bonds summed up enough humanity and consideration to advise his mistress to "disappear", thus avoiding any maltreatment, including murder, at his hands. It is this level of compassion for the wellbeing of others that demonstrates Bond's high value for human life. Heaven knows what a man of lesser tact may have done.

Long live Barry Bonds and his altruistic lifestyle.

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