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Raider Nation Goes Into Witness Protection Program

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Raider Nation Goes Into Witness Protection Program
(Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

CLASSIFIED

United States Federal Witness Protection Program
Case File: B109348/2A
CC: United States Marshals Service, Federal Bureau of Prisons
Subject: Induction of subject "Oakland Raider Nation" into program.
Date: July 2, 2009

To Whom It May Concern,

This memorandum exists to acknowledge the induction of subject "Oakland Raider Nation" into the United States Federal Witness Protection Program.

The subject approached authorities last week, making the claim that "Charger Nation, Chief Nation, Bronco Nation, The Rest of the NFL Nation, New York Knick Nation, Chicago Cub Nation, and the Catholic Church are out to get me."

Upon making claims that the reason behind the aggravation was that the Oakland Raiders would be "Super Bowl champs this year," it was clear that the subject was disoriented and delusional due to the stress.

Subject appears to have instigated his own persecution, angering as well as baffling his enemies with statements like "Heyward-Bey will be a better receiver than Jerry Rice and Mickey Mantle. Combined," as well as "$53 million a year for Asomugha is more than reasonable."

A deeper look into the subject's claims shows us a deeply disturbed individual with delusions of grandeur and a very strong nostalgia that has been classified by our psychiatrists as "living in the past."

Reading the results of a small, standard form that is provided to all Witness Protection Program candidates in order to understand their lives and craft a new identity, many of our employees were baffled.

When asked to write a little about himself, the subject responded with "ARRRGH." The "G" and "H" were written in blood. Under age, subject wrote: "I'm going to be around forever just like the undead corpse of Al Davis."

Under level of education attained, subject wrote "Ten seasons under Dr. John Madden. Received PhD upon completion. ARRRGH."

A cursory glance into the subject's pre-existing file reveals a longstanding record with several convictions and years of prison time for a myriad of crimes, including battery, armed robbery, and assaulting someone with shoulder spikes while wearing face paint, a Class IV offense.

Subject's obsession with wearing expensive headwear and makeup had us considering that perhaps subject would be perfect for revolutionary, experimental program where subject assumes new identity as cross-dressing individual.

Proposal was eventually shot down by superiors after extensive debate and a couple of test runs that involved having subject dress up as a woman and walk around town. Excessive "ARRGH"ing and facial hair proved to be determining factors in the program's failure.

Moreover, should the subject fall back into his historical patterns, custody and responsibility for the subject's safety would fall into the hands of the Federal Bureau of Prisons.

Finally, it was decided that subject would adopt new identity as "Green Bay Packer Nation" with determining factors such as level of annoyance and love of ridiculous headwear being very similar to subject.

Subject has been instructed to now harass Detroit Lions fans, which are much more harmless, and instigate campaign to kidnap and deport Brett Favre.

Your attention on the matter is and will be greatly appreciated, and further updates will be similarly reported.

Sincerely,

Roger Goodell,
Agent #120948 of the United States Marshals Service

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