2014 World Cup Doppelgangers
Put any expectation you once had about this World Cup to the torch.
"We know nothing, Jon Snow" is the only attitude we can safely harbor toward the insanity that is currently occurring on pitches across Brazil. Giants are falling, goals are being scored at record pace, and I'm convinced Mexico's goalie has made a blood pact with Beelzebub. Or Jesus. Either works, really.
The point is that there's little to do now but sit back and marvel at this outpouring of unpredictable greatness. You can also check out these doppelgangers, which make for a fun time-waster as you gather your wits between matches.
Happy World Cup, everyone.
Steven Gerrard—Robin Thicke
Luiz Felipe Scolari—Gene Hackman
Brazilian national team manager Luis Felipe Scolari and American actor Gene Hackman share many of the same passions, not the least of which include "moustachery" and brow-furrowing.
Xabi Alonso—Jason Bateman
Rest easy, Xabi.
Spain's 2014 World Cup didn't pan out as expected, but there's always money in the sangria stand.
Luiz Suarez—Random Liverpool Fan
In a weird bit of genetic serendipity, Uruguayan forward Luis Suarez happens to have a doppelganger among the fanbase of his Liverpool club team.
The lookalike—an unnamed Liverpool supporter from Iraq—came forward this February to say he would like to meet Suarez. He also asked his fellow fans to please stop touching him, as it got to the point he couldn't attend matches at Anfield or walk the streets in the United Kingdom without being mobbed.
Michael Bradley—Lex Luthor
Unlike Lex Luthor, U.S. men's national soccer team midfielder Michael Bradley is all about uplifting the United States and helping its biggest heroes.
With that said, he'd be helping them a lot more if he'd wake up and get that shiny dome on the ball when it flies in the box. I say this out of love, Michael.
Much like his pop culture counterpart Rihanna, U.S. defender DeAndre Yedlin puts an equal amount of emphasis on his hair as he does his craft.
After all, life is about balancing performance in the field with innovation at the salon.
Aron Johannsson—Kevin Bacon
When the going gets tough, the tough pull a hammy and sub out for Aron Johannsson.
The young USMNT winger is a stud in progress, and the fact he looks like a young Kevin Bacon can only work in his favor.
Guillermo Ochoa—Demi Moore
Mexico goalkeeper Guillermo Ochoa is just as beautiful as Demi Moore and has a better performance on the books than anything the actress could ever lay claim to.
He is a myth.
David Luiz—Sideshow Bob
You knew this was coming.
Brazilian defender David Luiz is the Sideshow Bob of the pitch, and he will finesse the heck out of your shins if you get anywhere near Julio Cesar.
Robin Van Persie—Ben Affleck
Like a younger, fitter Ben Affleck, Netherlands star Robin van Persie could probably convince some poor sucker he was the man in the director's chair on Argo.
I'd say Affleck could pull off convincing people he's Van Persie, but then he'd have to play a role, and we all know how well that goes.
Jozy Altidore—DeJuan Blair
I've read that people think USMNT forward Jozy Altidore looks like "Kanye West on roids" and "Bubba from Forest Gump," but I personally think he looks a lot like Dallas Mavericks forward DeJuan Blair.
On another note, I've used my Operation expertise to extract my hamstring and have packed it in ice. What's a good address for the USMNT in Brazil, Jozy? I can overnight this thing no problem.
Fabio Capello—Postman Pat
Remember Postman Pat? He was the smiley postal worker who was always willing to lend a hand to the perpetually flummoxed denizens of Greendale.
In that sense, he doesn't have much in common with Russian manager Fabio Capello, who looks like he beat Pat up, stole his glasses and proceeded to work his way through the international soccer ranks.
Lionel Messi—Young Roman Polanski
Calm down. I'm not saying they're anything alike.
All I'm saying is that Messi shares certain features with a young Roman Polanski. Stop making it weird and check out the facial structure!
While it's unfortunate that he was dropped for Spain's match against Chile, Xavi can at least have fun writing non-terrible, alternative finales to How I Met Your Mother on his flight back to Europe.
James Appiah—Champ Bailey
I must give credit to LostLetterman.com for bringing forth a thought puttering subconsciously around my brain during the United States vs. Ghana game.
The site tweeted, "When did Champ Bailey start coaching Ghana?" That's a good question—just one I never thought I'd have to consider in my life.
True enough, Ghana manager James Appiah looks like Bailey's dour uncle, and his solemn field presence is the definition of menacing.
Cristiano Ronaldo—Greater Roadrunner
Also known as the "chaparral cock," "ground cuckoo" and "snake killer," per Wikipedia, the greater roadrunner is a fast-moving bird with tall plumage native to California and the southern United States.
There's also a small, extremely isolated population in Portugal, it would appear.
On the Twitters.