Chris Jericho Will Save Us

FoleyIsGodContributor IJuly 1, 2009

LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 07:  Wrestler Chris Jericho arrives for the premiere of 'Anvil! The Story Of Anvil' at the Egyptian Theater on April 7, 2009 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Kristian Dowling/Getty Images)

I have to admit, The Bash was overall a disappointment for me, which is surprising since despite the monotonous booking of the past few shows, they have all delivered on one level or another. 

The Bash seemed more designed to further along story, like how now John Cena is apparently the Incredible Hulk who can take a kick to the face without even flinching and has to kick dirt on his opponent like a friggin' Saturday morning cartoon character. 

But there was one bright spot amongst the rather average and below average other matches.  Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio have put on an excellent series of matches over the last several weeks.  Each match is thoroughly watchable, showcases both wrestlers' abilities and gets the crowd going crazy.  This was the only match at the Bash where you could barely hear the announcers over the roar of the crowd during those last few kick-outs.

Which brings me to my point: Chris Jericho will Save Us.  No matter how many times we have to see Orton feuding with HHH despite the crowd either not caring/forgetting about the storyline, or how many times Cena has to upset some young talent by putting on an embarrassing squash match for no other reason than his ego, Chris Jericho will always be there to show us the light.

Imagine, if you will, if every match at the Bash had Chris Jericho in it.  Chris Jericho Vs. CM Punk.  I've seen it, it was great, the best CM Punk match I've seen yet.  Chris Jericho Vs. Priceless: - I don't care if he's the only man on his tag team he'll still make it work.  What, it's technically a handicapped match if it's only one person?  Fine, I'll clone the bitch and we'll have Chris Jericho and Chris Jericho vs. Priceless, as Priceless are practically clones anyway. 

Hell, Chris Jericho vs. Michelle McCool would have drew way more money than that HHH yawner and I'm pretty sure she would have kicked his ass.

What about the announcers?  Really the only announcers I can get behind are JR and Lawler who are split, each with their own partner that appear eerily similar in appearance.  So take out the ambiguous duo and throw in a Jericho apiece.  He can just shuffle from table to table between matches.  And let's be honest, both those ECW announcers are kind of annoying so let's take my cloned Jericho tag team and throw them in as the new ECW announce team.  One Jericho can use his past in ring expertise to state the obvious and be a bad actor always "shocked" at the stupidest, most obvious turn of events. The other Jericho can call each of the moves by their wrong name, nobody is doing that right now.

The Jerichoification doesn't stop there.  Feuds are going to be tough with so much Jericho going around, I'm sure there would be a lot of backstage heat with all these Jericho propositions, or Jericho-isitions as they will henceforth be known. 

But hear me out.  John Cena is always looking for some seasoned veteran to yell at about honor or some green superstar to smirk at about respect.  Chris Jericho, in his thoroughly well written tome "A Lion's Tale," talks about how in order to have a good match you have to build up your opponent both inside and outside the ring in order to make your victory or loss that much more meaningful.  In other words, in order to have a good match, you have to make your opponent look somewhat good. 

So because everything with Cena is somewhat simple, infantile and immature Chris Jericho will be debuting as Captain Cavity.  He'll come out and urge children not to brush their teeth and to eat sugary candies.  For effect, he'll reach into his tights at the end of a diatribe, pull out a toothbrush and break it in half.  Maybe throw it in some 5-year-old's face.  Like a Canadian Willy Wonka he'll march out to the ring throwing lollipops out into the stands, he'll do HHH patented water spit only with soda. John Cena will have to run out and encourage the crowd to drink their milk and take their vitamins.  I swear this is all I hear when he does promos, am I that out of line?

The other Superstar who might have a problem with my Jeritochracy and thus will have to be phased in is HHH.  HHH is the classic angry guy.  Sure he's spent the last several months trying to avenge three members of a family that nobody really likes, hell, even been conditioned to not like, thus creating some of the most emotionally devoid matches of the year.  But Jericho can change that. 

Jericho debuts as the long lost son of HHH who was conceived on the road at some bar adjacent motel when HHH was on the road.  I know what you're thinking, they're pretty close in age, this isn't possible.  However, we weave into the story that Jericho has been a regular smoker since the age of three, a side effect of a life of hard knocks, which inadvertently causes him to look older than he really is due to the aging effects of smoking. (Incidentally at 18 I thought smoking could make me look older thus getting me into bars during college.  Apparently, it really doesn't work as fast as I thought, but whatever).

We come to find out that HHH actually knew about Jericho's birth! He hung around for a year but when baby Jericho spilled HHH's 30 oz. Big Gulp all over the interior of his new Hummer, the deal was off.  Will Chris Jericho pay back the man that left him to a life of smoker's lung and bad breath?  And will HHH ever get the interior of his Hummer clean and non-Mountain Dew sticky again?  You'll have to buy the PPV to find out.

I swear to Christ I would order every PPV for the rest of the year if it was just Jericho Vs. Mysterio.   In fact, every match could be a Championship Vs. Mask match, even with Jericho wearing the mask alternatively, I don't care, it would be great. 

The man can deliver.  Take notice WWE universe: 2009 is the year of Jericho!