So, in case you guys didn’t know, Rasheed Wallace is rumored to be headed to Boston.
I’m not sure if there is any truth to the rumor, and, two days before the rumor surfaced, I actually read that Boston would not be on Rasheed’s list of teams to choose from.
However, the thought of Rasheed Wallace joining the Celtics makes me absolutely giddy.
I’m not even talking about how Wallace is exactly what the Celtics need on their team. I’m not talking about how his length down low and terrific post defense are precisely what the Celtics lacked during this year’s postseason.
I’m not talking about how he is a great team player and a fantastic shooter for a big man. And, I’m definitely not giddy because I will get a nightly vision of that bald spot, birth mark, or whatever the hell that weird thing is on the back of his head.
No, why I’m so excited goes beyond how Rasheed will help the Celtics win games—and he would most certainly do that. I’m so eager for a potential Rasheed Wallace Era, because Rasheed coming to the Celtics would pair two of the most insane basketball players of all-time—Wallace and Kevin Garnett.
Really, can you imagine a frontcourt tandem of the technical-foul receiving, perennially scowling Wallace and the basket support head-butting, four-legs crawling, constantly trash-talking Garnett?
I don’t think there has ever been a pair of teammates in NBA history that would rival the insanity of those two.
Sure, Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest were nuts, but in a violent, I-may-snap-at-any-time-but-most-of-the-time-I’m-kind-of-normal way. The Jackson-Artest Era culminated in the immortalized “Palace Brawl”, and, after Artest left for Sacramento, Jackson firing gunshots into the air after being hit by a car.
Since those two incidents, the two players have actually been somewhat normal. That ridiculous combination of individuals produced some great highlights of insanity, but still lacked the daily madness that could be next year’s Boston Celtics.
Seriously, just imagine Wallace and Garnett playing together next year.
Those nutjobs would make the Celtics a daily circus. Just listen to this story about Wallace, which is true, by the way.
Rasheed Wallace’s son’s mother once kidnapped his son. When Rasheed was trying to find the kid, he used a Sports Illustrated article to help him publicize the incident and find his child.
Which is all fine.
I suppose that if I had a child and my child’s mother kidnapped my son and went into hiding, I would certainly use a Sports Illustrated article to try to find them.
Anyways, that isn’t even the juicy part of the story. Wallace had an interview for the story with SI’s L. Jon Wertheim, but decided to put off the interview (which, in case you didn’t already know, was SUPPOSED TO HELP HIM FIND HIS KIDNAPPED SON!) in order to go bowling.
That’s right, bowling.
Meanwhile, he got lost on the way to the bowling alley and stopped directly in the middle of the street to try to determine where the bowling alley was. While Wallace was stopped in the middle of the road, one of the cars behind Wallace’s car started beeping (what a shocker).
So, what does Wallace do?
He hurries up, gets into the car and drives off, hoping he can find the bowling alley, right?
Umm, guess again.
Wallace watches as his passenger, Isaiah “J.R.” Rider, proceeds to step toward the beeping car and spit directly on its windshield.
To paraphrase Billy Madison: “The part of the story I don't like is that Rasheed gave up looking for his son before he even started. He didn't put posters up or anything. He just went bowling like a goon and waited. That man’s gotta think 'You got a son. You got a responsibility.' If your son gets kidnapped by his mother, you don't go bowling then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find your f------- son.”
Besides his obviously quirky (to say the least) off-court behavior, Wallace is an absolute headcase on the court. He almost never shuts up while he plays and holds the NBA record for most technical fouls.
After the Pistons won the NBA championship in 2004, Wallace not only had WWE championship belts made for himself and all his teammates, he also wore the belt to games during the whole next season.
But Wallace hasn’t gotten crazier with age, he’s been wild his whole career. In a forecast of things to come, Sheed was kicked out of the McDonald’s High School All-American Game.
He once said about referees, “Them cats are felonious, man.” He has been ejected time after time from games, and, most of the time, says he didn’t deserve the overtly blatant technicals.
Now, I hope you’re as ecstatic as I am about pairing him with Kevin Garnett. After all, Garnett is the Celtic who gets so wrapped up in games that he blacks out during the middle of them.
He also spews profanity-laced comments more or less the entire game, crawls on all fours during games and used to share a strange, prolonged hug with James Posey before every game.
Truly, the Wallace-Garnett Era—if it ever happens—has the potential to be the most ludicrous duo in NBA history, surpassing even Jackson and Artest.
Do us all a favor, Rasheed, and sign with the Celtics.
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