Mighty Mariners Struck Out Swinging against Deja Vu's Curves

Chris CluffCorrespondent IIJune 29, 2009

OAKLAND, CA - JULY 10: Jeremy Reed #8 of the Seattle Mariners reacts after striking out in the 8th inning against the Oakland Athletics during a Major League Baseball game on July 10, 2008 at McAfee Coliseum in Oakland, California.  (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

Well, Mariners organization, it looks like you finally met your match. You found somebody you can’t bully: a bunch of half-naked chicks.

All of these years, you’ve been spoiled. You got the public to pay for your $500 million home. You get to charge obscene prices for your concessions. You get to ban lesbians, Yankee haters and other “inappropriate” folks.

But you can’t stop the naked girls from moving in down the street. You can stomp your feet and pout all you want, but Deja Vu is coming. And there’s nothing you can do about it. And there’s nothing you can do about it. (Told you deja vu was coming.)

Yeah, you can appeal the court’s decision, but it won’t matter. It’s pretty clear that the only pealing going on will be at Deja Vu’s not-so-foul poles. Safeco Field won’t be the only topless beauty in Sodo.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset about Deja Vu’s arrival,anyway. You should be happy there’s finally a place where your hitters absolutely can’t strike out.

There will be plenty of curves and a few sliders, but no one strikes out at the Vu. Everyone gets to second base. Some get to third. Of course, there will be the occasional double play, but we’re not talking about outs. Unlike Safeco, just about everyone leaves the Vu happy. And it won’t cost any more than going to one of your games.

You can’t have it all, Mariners. You make a ton of money from Safeco Field. Four bucks for a bottle of water. Eight bucks for a freakin’ beer.

Funny thing about that beer, too. Deja Vu can’t sell it. In fact, the Vu will be tamer than some of the action that occurs in the center-field beer garden at Safeco, where alcohol-fueled altercations routinely lead to ejections and/or arrests.

It’s so bush league to complain about a strip club when you liquor up your patrons every night. The Vu probably will file a complaint against you for sending so many drunkards to its dry club. (The Vu also might ban any dudes who consumed your garlic fries.)

And you’re afraid the sight of a Deja Vu will scar the children who walk by it on the way to your games? Do you really think there will be strippers strutting down the sidewalk? Heck, you’ll see more skin at Safeco on a sunny day.

Don’t forget: There’s a Deja Vu right across from the world-famous Pike Place Market. Those two places co-exist, so you can, too. Quit crying about it. 

There’s no reason to fear a bunch of scantily clad girls. They won’t bite (well, some of them might if you ask them to). And they won’t be out in the streets for little kids to see.

But they will entertain the guys who head to the ballgame. They’ll help the boys forget another blown ninth-inning lead, the eight bucks they spent on each beer, the four bucks they spent on a bottle of water, the hassle they got from overzealous ushers who wouldn’t let them move to better seats at the quarter-full park.

Guys will get to continue their baseball experience by checking out the Vu’s version of two-baggers, squeeze plays, and moonshots. They’ll see some mound work and plenty of muffs, a few backdoor pitches and some benders. And lots of sliding. A few girls will even flash the leather.

(And just imagine the stage names: Diamond, Cotton Candy, Dippin’ Dots, Slider, Ace, Punchin’ Judy, Crafty Lefty, Masher, Slammer, Slaphitter, Slugger, Tater, Twirler).

The cross-promotion possibilities are endless for the Vu.

We know you can’t publicly support a strip club, Mariners, but by next year you’ll probably be thanking Deja Vu for bringing more folks to Sodo—and to your mostly empty ripoff of a stadium.

Check out Called Shots, a sarcastic look at the week in sports, Outside The Press Box.