100 Most Ridiculous Things Ever Said in Sports

Amber LeeSports Lists Lead WriterJune 9, 2014

100 Most Ridiculous Things Ever Said in Sports

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    AP Photo

    Sports is a media-driven industry. For the people who work in sports—the athletes, coaches, managers and owners—their job title includes the unofficial designation of "spokesperson."  

    Between the press conferences, locker-room interviews or any other of the many, many occasions when their words are on the record, it's no surprise that what emerges from the mouths of these men and women can sometimes be labeled as "ridiculous."

    It's inevitable, because someone who makes their living throwing the football, managing a ball club or running all the business aspects of a major sports franchise isn't necessarily the most media savvy individual (despite the pervasive media presence).

    As a result, people who have achieved some pretty amazing things in their industry have also given the world more than a few mind-boggling statements. They come with the territory, and they are just another reason why sports are compelling even when the biggest stars' words are less so.

    Here are the 100 most ridiculous things ever said sports.

Terrell Owens on What Constitutes a Teammate

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    AP Photo/Amy Sancetta

    Apparently, the guys Terrell Owens didn’t get along with didn’t qualify as teammates; they were just guys who wore the same jersey, shared the same locker room and played on the same team as him.

    But they weren’t teammates

    Source

Charles “Casey” Stengel on (Too) Bold Declarations

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    AP Photo

    Perhaps Casey Stengel’s bold assertion about the Mets didn’t sound quite as ridiculous at the time, but history certainly hasn’t proven him right. 

    Source

Bill Cowher on Something He Often Loses Touch with

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    AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar

    Bill Cowher is a well known to be bi-lingual—his second language, obviously, being gibberish. Of course, that’s assuming you can count English as one of the languages he knows. 

    Source

Tim Sylvia on the Passage of Time and Aging

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    AP Photo/Jane Kalinowsky

    MMA is a brutal sport, and apparently the mind is one of the first things to go. 

    Source

Lou Holtz on What's Connected to the Elbow Bone

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    AP Photo/ Gary I. Rothstein

    Worst. Orthopedic surgeon. EVER. 

    Actually, if Lou Holtz was talking about the Syracuse mascot, the elbow-shoulder surgery would've made sense. But he definitely wasn't talking about the Syracuse mascot. 

    Source

Kurt Busch on Racing Being a Workout

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    AP Photo/Mark Humphrey

    That actually makes so much freaking sense considering his entire sport consists of nothing more than sitting on his ass and occasionally adjusting the force in which he lightly taps a break pedal.

    Kurt Busch’s gluteus maximus and wiener are the only things that get a workout in a given race. 

    Source 

Yogi Berra on the Worst Kind of Mistakes

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    AP Photo/Ray Howard

    Because the right mistakes are so amazingly beneficial. Thanks for clearing that up, Mr. Berra.

    Source

Chad Johnson-Ochocinco on the One Thing That Continues to Allude

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    AP Photo/Ted S. Warren

    Chad Johnson must have gotten lost looking for that 51st state, because he’s been MIA for years now. Not that it should come as any surprise that numbers aren’t exactly “Ochocinco’s" thing. 

    Source 

Ralph Kiner on Arbitrary Holiday Greetings

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    AP Photo

    On Christmas Day, we again wish you all happy Labor Day. 

    On Memorial Day, we again wish you all a very happy Flag Day. 

    On Independence Day, we again wish you all a very happy national Talk Like a Pirate Day. 

    Source

Randy Moss on His Banking Habits

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    AP Photo/Paul Battaglia

    That was former NFL wide receiver Randy Moss’ response to a reporter who asked him about paying a fine. A simple "yes" or "no" would have sufficed, but apparently Moss likes playing semantics more than he ever liked playing football. 

    Source

Curt Gowdy on the Ideal Weather

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    AP Photo/Green

    Yep. The best weather always consists of air that you cannot breathe—or no air at all. 

    Source

Jose Canseco on His Unique Way with the Ladies

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    AP Photo/Jack Smith

    Maybe Jose Canseco deserves a point for introspection, but that point doesn’t even begin to make up for all the points he lost over the years by “helping” women in a manner of which has routinely landed him in jail.

    Something tells me he thinks this is a “woman” problem, when, in fact, it’s a Jose Canseco problem. 

    Source

Anna Kournikova on What's Really Important

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    AP Photo/Fritz Reiss

    This was said by Anna Kournikova during a promotional appearance for a line of bras she was endorsing.

    The quote would actually make a pretty solid title for her biography: “I’m not here to talk about my personal life or tennis. I’m here to talk about bras.” 

    Source

Claude Humphrey on God's Poorly Conceived Plans

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    AP Photo/Rusty Kennedy

    Finally, someone asking the serious questions! Like why is God such a crappy inventor—inventing people and hotness! It boggles the mind. 

    Source

Antonio Langham on Barely Scraping by

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    AP Photo/Harry Scull

    Oh the humanity! Can you imagine having to survive on a measly $500,000 for seven whole months?!? Antonio Langham truly knew sacrifice as a rookie. 

    Source

Andrei Kirilenko on Creepy Investment Strategy

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    AP Photo/Stuart Ramson

    Former Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko, now with the Nets, speculated on how he might spend some of the money earned in his max contract.

    Imagine Willy Wonka as a Russian and suddenly Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is an even darker movie. 

    Source

Gary Sheffield on Pretending to Care About the Truth

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    AP Photo/Steve Nesius

    Yes, and the truth—the truth truth—is that former Yankees right fielder Gary Sheffield was just being combative because he was jealous of teammates Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. It's hard to believe A-Rod actually had a Pepsi endorsement for awhile. 

    Source

Alex Rodriguez on Stating the Obvious

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    AP Photo/Luis M. Alvarez

    Music is good—it can be musical. Charity is good—it can be charitable. Sometimes, it seems like Alex Rodriguez was genetically engineered in a lab to be ridiculous. 

    Source

Mike Nolan on Why He Didn't Cut It as a Coach

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    AP Photo/Paul Sakuma

    Here is what former Niners coach Mike Nolan had to say regarding what he needed to see from Alex Smith in order to select him No. 1 overall. Apparently, Smith had no problem cutting the wind with his balls—maybe that’s why they passed on Aaron Rodgers.  

    Source

Cadillac Williams on Fighting Battles After the War Is Won

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    AP Photo/Todd J. Van Emst

    This is what former NFL running back Cadillac Williams said on being competitive with former Auburn teammate Ronnie Brown. Something tells me he wasn’t a history major. 

    Source

Johnny Damon on Jewelry Prioritization

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    AP Photo/Kathy Willens

    This is what former Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon said when referring to his 2004 World Series championship ring. Surely, his second wife Michelle Mangan appreciated hearing that a few months after their wedding. 

    Source

John Gilchrist on the Link Between Proximity and Love

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    AP Photo/Gerry Broome

    That’s the best answer former Maryland basketball player John Gilchrist could muster when asked why he loves his mother back in 2004. “I love her because she’s always around.” He could make the same argument about his arms and legs. 

    Source

Don Sutton on Selling Himself to the Highest Bidder

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    AP Photo

    Nice try, Don Sutton, but loyalty is one of the only things money can’t buy. 

    Source

Bobby Valentine on Playing Make Believe with the Media

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    AP Photo/Ben Margot

    Well, isn’t that sweet?! Or it would be if Bobby Valentine hadn’t criticized his players in public before this statement and plenty of times afterward. This man truly lives on his own planet. 

    Source

Warren Sapp on Being Strangely Afraid of Machines

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    AP Photo/Chris O'Meara

    So, apparently Hall of Fame defensive tackle Warren Sapp has an irrational fear of cars—and maybe lawn mowers. That's something to keep in your back pocket in case you ever spill a drink on him at a bar. 

    Source

Paul Azinger on Making It Up as He Goes Along

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    AP Photo/Ed Reinke

    PGA pro Paul Azinger hates popularity contests, unless the winner is someone he likes. I’m pretty sure that is everyone’s philosophy on popularity contests. 

    Source

Sir Bobby Robson on Making the Impossible More Impossible

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    AP Photo/Frank Augstein

    If he didn’t have a right arm, Bobby Robson would have to give up a lot more than a limb to be a pianist—unless he was aiming to be the most unremarkable, one-handed pianist ever, which is entirely possible. After enough ties, it probably doesn’t even matter anymore. 

    Source

Dennis Rodman on Why He'd Make a Terrible Chemist

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    AP Photo/Beth A. Keiser

    Or something being the key to that phrase. Basic arithmetic is more of a first-grade subject, but I don’t think there’s any class that teaches you 2+2=10. Big surprise, Dennis Rodman’s education is suspect.  

    Source

Skip Caray on Entering the Spin Zone

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    AP Photo/John Zich

    Well, that’s one way to spin it! Every non-sellout is, in fact, a partial sellout. In a different age, Skip Caray may have made a very nice living in cable news. 

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Rickey Henderson on Wanting What He Wants

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    AP Photo/Bill Cooke

    All I’m asking for is for everything I’m asking for, and not a damn thing more. It actually sounds surprisingly reasonable, unless you know anything about the later career of Rickey Henderson. 

    Source

Rob Hennigan on Lowering Standards in the Post-Howard Era

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    AP Photo/John Raoux, File

    Rob Hennigan: "We’re just looking for a human being to take."

    That was Magic general manager Rob Hennigan's take on having the 51st pick in the NBA draft—truly proving there isn’t life after Dwight Howard. At least they have Disney World. 

    Source

Luc Robitaille on Being Very Punny

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    AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill

    This is what retired NHL player Luc Robitaille said on owning a piece of a firm that runs a chain of ice rinks around the country. It's ridiculously hilarious if it was an intentional pun, but it's just plain ridiculous if it was anything but.  

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Lefty Gomez on Bad Prioritization

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    AP Photo

    This is ridiculous because anyone with the least bit of sense would rather be good than lucky. People who win the lottery are lucky—then they lose all their money and end up floating, face-down in a swamp. 

    John D. Rockefeller, Bill Gates, Walt Disney, Conrad Hilton and Martha Stewart—those folks are good. The inventor of the Pet Rock, M. Night Shyamalan, Trent Dilfer and Daniel Snyder—those folks are lucky. 

    Source

Lee Hendrie on Maybe Hearing Voices

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    AP Photo/Hrvoje Knez

    This must have been due either to the voices in his head or the byproduct of an ill-advised trip on an unidentified hallucinogenic drug. Let’s hope it was the latter, as the former is not as easily rectified. 

    Source

Pete Vukovich on Being Victimized by an Umpire

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    AP Photo

    Former Pirates coach Pete Vukovich on what must have been the most jarring and painful ejection of all time. 

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Charles Barkley on Being Misquoted by Charles Barkley

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    AP Photo/Ed Zurga

    Only Charles Barkley could claim he was misquoted in his own autobiography. Of course, he didn’t misspeak, he was misquoted. 

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Hines Ward on Jerome Bettis Getting Handsy

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    AP Photo/John Bazemore

    This isn’t ridiculous because of former Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward; he was obviously speaking from the heart about his friend and former teammate Jerome Bettis. It’s ridiculous because a lot of us are just overgrown kids with minds permanently parked in the gutter. 

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George Steinbrenner on Being a Hands off Owner

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    AP Photo/Marty Lederhandler

    That was the late George Steinbrenner’s promise after purchasing the Yankees from CBS in 1973.

    Uh…I guess he changed his mind. 

    Source

Tiger Woods on Sports and Racial Stereotypes

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    AP Photo/Lennox McLendon

    These days, Tiger Woods could never get away with talking about pimps in public—not without eliciting a lot of whispers and judgmental stares. 

    Source

Danny Ainge on Dan Majerle's Most Valuable Assets

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    AP Photo/Charles Krupa

    That’s former TNT analyst, and current Celtics GM, Danny Ainge’s idea of a compliment for former teammate Dan Majerle. Obviously, he was being nice, but “loose balls” is never going to sound like a compliment. 

    Source

Armando Rios on the Love of The...Hair Dye

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    AP Photo/Thearon Henderson

    You might expect that to be the answer to a question about why former Giants right fielder Armando Rios played baseball, but it’s not. It was actually the answer to a question about why he bleached his hair blonde. 

    Source

Andris Biedrins on Losing a Loved One

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    AP Photo/Jeff Chiu

    Poor Andris Biedrins! The former Warriors player got sentimental talking about the loss of his best friend—a Porsche Cayenne SUV that was totaled in an accident.

    I'm not really surprised his car was his best friend; he kind of looks like a weirdo. 

    Source

Cookie Gilchrist on How He Became an Unlikely "Cookie"

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    AP Photo

    What’s most ridiculous about that story is that it’s the least ridiculous explanation for how a football player could end up being nicknamed “Cookie.” 

    Source

Metta World Peace on the Role Cheerios Plays in the NBA

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    AP Photo/Duane Burleson

    The reason the NBA doesn’t promote Metta World Peace has absolutely nothing to do with his breakfast cereal preferences. 

    Source

Joe Paterno on Why He Likes Italians

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    AP Photo/John Hayes

    The late Joe Paterno once rationalized this while discussing one of his player's common ancestry. O suppose that’s what passed as “logic” in Happy Valley for decades.   

    Source

Richie Hebner on Stark Realities

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    AP Photo

    This was said by former Pirates third baseman Richie Hebner, who used to make ends meet during the offseason as a grave digger. It’s ridiculous to even imagine that major league players used to have to make ends meet with such menial labor. 

    Source

Mike Newlin on How Using 10-Dollar Words Can Backfire

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    AP Photo/Dave Pickoff

    Honestly, I’m not even totally sure there’s anything technically wrong with what Mike Newlin said here. But I am pretty sure there is and that it makes no sense, whatsoever. 

    Source

Scottie Pippen on One of the Weirder Ways to Credit Someone

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    AP Photo/Beth A. Keiser

    Take his hands off to him and do what with them, exactly? Maybe Scottie Pippen was hoping to scare Tim Duncan to death with his detachable hands. 

    Source 

Pedro Guerrero on the Media's Inability to Read His Mind

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    AP Photo

    If only this was a legitimate explanation for saying something completely stupid! If it was, you could make a legitimate case that the Devil, and therefore God, exists. Because a deal with Satan would be the only logical explanation. 

    Source

Minnesota Fats on the Similarities Between Pool Players and Hot Dogs

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    AP Photo/Mark Humphrey

    That’s so ridiculously obscure that we kind of have to take his word for it. Seriously—there’s a very slim chance you’ve ever seen a pool player in a tuxedo, and there’s absolutely no chance you’ve ever seen a hot dog with whipped cream on it. 

    Or vice-versa, if you’re a complete weirdo. 

    Source

Les Ferdinand on Never Being Caught off Guard...Except for When He Is

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    AP Photo/Michael Stephens

    I always say nothing surprises me in football besides the stuff that surprises me in football. The same goes for everything else in everything else that doesn’t surprise me until it surprises me. 

    Source

Charles Shackleford on the Dexterity of Amphibians

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    AP Photo/Jeff Siner

    Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter; I’m a MF salamander! 

    Source 

Eric Lucas on Why He's Not Superstitions

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    AP Photo/Thomas Sjoerup

    Canadian boxer Eric Lucas doesn’t have superstitions because they bring nothing but bad luck. And obviously, the idea of luck isn’t superstitious at all; it’s just science. 

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Jerry Rice on Not Saying the Stuff He Literally Just Said

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    AP Photo/Paul Sakuma

    I think we all love Jerry Rice enough to let him get away with that kind of nonsense on occasion. Yes, it’s ridiculous, but he’s earned enough capital over the years to excuse it. 

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Johnny Logan on Honoring Imortal Immorality

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    AP Photo

    Well, that’s one reason to honor Stan Musial. Although, it probably wouldn’t have been his first choice, it is probably preferable to not honoring him at all.

    That intro isn't half bad, though, and they should save it for a Pete Rose ceremony. 

    Source

Joe Theismann on Football IQ

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    AP Photo

    I’m sure Norman Einstein appreciates the shoutout; Albert Einstein, on the other hand, thinks Joe Theismann is an idiot.

    At least Joe Theismann accidentally proved his own point. 

    Source

Joaquin Andujar on Being Bad at Counting

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    AP Photo

    Sometimes, language doesn’t translate exactly, but numbers are universal. Which is why if counting isn't your strong suit, it's best to avoid using it in trying to make a point. 

    Source

Joe Buck on Having a Little Fun And/Or Irony

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    Photo by Dario Cantatore/Invision/AP

    YES. The worst thing that has ever been aired on Fox is the image of Randy Moss fake mooning the crowd at Lambeau Field. It’s obviously not Married By America, which was a national treasure. 

    Source

John Daly on BS Book Learnin'

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    AP Photo/Lynne Sladky

    This came from John Daly in an interview with Golf Digest. Let’s just say it’s a good thing he was marginally talented at golf for a period of time, because it’s safe to say he wouldn’t have made it as a teacher—or even someone whose job placed the least bit of importance on basic literacy. 

    Source

Floyd Patterson on Needing Things To...Not Be Other Things

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    AP Photo/DAB

    Duh. Without fear, you’d be scared to death. Without food, you’d never starve. Without water, you’d never go thirsty. Without air, you’d always be able to breath. 

    Wait…none of that sounds right. 

    Source 

Fulton Allem on Keeping Composure Through Criminal Activity

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    AP Photo/Rogelio V. Solis

    This is what Fulton Allem had to say regarding Matt Kuchar’s composure. It is certainly better than an incredible felony for aggravated sexual assault—or something equally unsavory. 

    Source

Don King On...Humility?

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    AP Photo/Teddy Blackburn

    Good gravy! Is it possible that Don King actually thinks that statement was humble? Imagine what he’s like in a new suit after a few cocktails. Probably something like this

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Maurice Clarett on Understanding Humility Better Than Don King

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    AP Photo/Darron Cummings

    Obviously, that wouldn’t pass for using a word in a sentence on a seventh grade vocabulary exam, but at least Maurice Clarett seems to understand the definition of the word—which is a lot more than you can say about Don King. 

    Source

Ben Curtis on What's Intimidating About Tiger Woods

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    AP Photo/Charles Krupa

    Ben Curtis had this to say about being intimidated by Tiger Woods.

    Anyone else feel completely validated and/or vindicated regarding a long-held assertion that Woods was likely malodorous in some way? Good. Me too. 

    Source

Billy Loes on Comically Bad Excuses

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    AP Photo

    Very few people could get away with explaining away a ground-ball fielding error with the sun—because it’s obviously ridiculous. It’s a testament to the likability of Billy Loes that the media ate it up with a spoon. 

    Imagine if Alex Rodriguez did the same thing; there’d be widespread riots. 

    Source

Dan Dierdorf on Where to Watch What You Want to Watch

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    AP Photo/Tony Ding

    The difference here being that there is no where else people wanting to watching a football game would tune into besides a football game. 

    If they wanted to watch a stand-up comedy show, there are a lot of different options—unless they were really into HBO. 

    Source

Danny Ozark on Napoleon's Hand in Watergate

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    AP Photo/PS

    More like even Richard Nixon had his "Waterloo." And in the grand scheme of things, Waterloo was a much bigger deal. At least there was more than one (two, if you count the GOP) interested parties in the defeat. 

    Source

Don Cherry on Being the Most Smartest

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    AP Photo/Carlos Osorio

    Don Cherry "are" a lot of things—almost all of them terrible—and an author isn’t one of them. 

    Source 

Steve Largent on Records, Not NFL Records, RECORDS Records

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    AP Photo/Rob Burns

    That was the response of former Seahawks wide receiver Steve Largent was asked which record he would most cherish when he retired. What’s really ridiculous is that he didn’t pick Abbey Road! 

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Terry Bradshaw on His Raw Animal Magnetism

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    AP Photo

    What’s ridiculous is how spot-on Hall of Fame quarterback Terry Bradshaw is here. Actually, never mind, they probably married him for his money, because we know it wasn’t for his brain. Then again, he does have a great sense of humor. 

    Source

Vince McMahon on Credibility, and the Lack Thereof

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    AP Photo/Kathy Willens

    As much as it pains me to say this, I am a wrestling fan myself, but Vince McMahon questioning the credibility of boxing isn’t even an instance of the pot calling the kettle black—it’s the pot calling another pot a pot…but in an accusatory manner. 

    Source

Lou Holtz on Kissing Various Family Members

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    AP photo/Rob Schumacher

    Ew. Maybe kissing your sister is better than kissing your brother, unless we’re talking about women. Or people that don’t care about ties. Or people who really don’t like to talk or think about incest. 

    Source

Dale Berra on Different Sameness

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    AP Photo

    If ever there was absolute proof that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, this is it. Dale Berra and his father Yogi might as well have been from different planets, baseball wise, but it seems at least one thing was passed on from father to son. 

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Ralph Kiner on the Worst Reason to Raise the Dead

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    AP Photo/Ron Frehm

    Spinning in his grave and, perhaps, asking at least a few very relevant questions, of course—questions like: How did I get in this grave and how the heck can I get out of it?

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Dizzy Dean on One of Life's Greatest Mysteries

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    AP Photo

    You know who has a knack for identifying which corners are good for filling stations? Oil barons. But they don’t build gas stations there, they erect oil rigs. 

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Newspaper Headlines on the Result of Dizzy Dean's X-Ray

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    AP Photo

    When asked about the results of an x-ray following an injury, Hall of Fame great Dizzy Dean said that his head x-rays revealed nothing in his head. Obviously, the newspapers took it and ran with it. 

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Bill Cowher (Accidentally) on Mixing Metaphors

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    AP Photo/David J. Phillip

    Former Steelers coach Bill Cowher was an absolute master of mixed metaphors and general nonsense. Honestly, you gotta give him hats. 

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Cliff Hagan on Always Being Available to Say Nothing

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    AP Photo/H.B. Littell

    That statement is as ridiculous as it is glorious. If you’re thinking it sounds exactly like Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, you’re not alone. 

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Alvin Dark on Baseball's Unwritten Rules

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    AP Photo

    And you probably thought the political tension today was palpable! It wasn’t all that long ago that “BURN HIM! HE’S A WITCH!” could explain almost any anything in baseball. 

    Source

Frank Gifford on Taking Your Job Way Too Seriously

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    AP Photo/Mario Suriani

    Someone needs to tell Frank Gifford—and Kellen Winslow, Jr., for that matter—that football is a game that people get paid lots of money to play. They are not soldiers, and football is not nuclear warfare. Better yet, sit them in a room full of war veterans and let them explain it. 

    Source 

Charles Oakley on Sticks and Stones

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    AP Photo/Hans Deryk

    Technically, he isn’t wrong. Talk is a figure of speech, in that any act of talking requires speech.

    That being said, WTF?

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John Madden on the Biggest People Being the Biggest People

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    AP Photo

    It’s hard to imagine what we would’ve done for all those years without John Madden around to explain the difference between our asses and a hole in the ground. 

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Andre Dawson on Being a Role Model

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    AP Photo/Rob Schumacher

    There’s got to be something in between this and Charles Barkley’s declaration that he’s not a role model. Hopefully, something much closer to Barkley. 

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Tim Tebow on Stuff They Said That They Never Said

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    AP Photo/Matt York

    Literally, no one ever said that. No one ever said any of that stuff. That Tim Tebow sure is adorable, though, even when he’s lying his face off. 

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Bill Belichick on Laser Focus

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    AP Photo/Phil Long

    This is either ridiculous because coach Bill Belichick, then with the Browns, was clearly not focused when espousing the focusedness of his team or because he purposefully said it as a dig at the Chargers. Knowing what we know about Belichick now, it was probably the latter. 

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Bobby Bragan Your Precious Stats

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    AP Photo/Matt Slocum

    That’s a very ridiculous way to illustrate a very valid point about baseball statistician types and their obsession with irrelevant percentages. 

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Mike Tyson on Mutual Confusion

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    AP Photo/Lennox McLendon

    I’m not sure we think Mike Tyson is as deep and complicated as he thinks we do. 

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Brandt Snedeker on What Motivates Him (Spoiler Alert: It's Vegetables)

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    AP Photo/Rob Carr

    Yes, because a single carrot is a much more desirable prize than a pot of gold. Something tells me the Snedeker family gives out apples and toothbrushes on Halloween. 

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Bob Knight on Responsible Parenting

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    AP Photo/LM Otero

    It’s not ridiculous that noted lunatic Bob Knight would say something like that about his son, but it’s actually kind of surprsing that he never actually made good on the threat. And here you thought he was mean!

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Glen Davis on How Long It Shouldn't Take to Paint a Ceiling

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    AP Photo/Charles Krupa

    Commend Michelangelo for what, exactly? Being a slower ceiling painter than you? Either Glen “Big Baby” Davis doesn’t know how to give a compliment or he doesn’t know what “commend” means. Or maybe both. 

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Jim Zorn on Having Neighbors with Easily Amused Friends

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    AP Photo/Michael Conroy

    Naming a baby for comedic purposes is always a great idea—when it’s someone else’s baby. 

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Paul Anderson on Kids Being Weaklings

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    AP Photo

    Ya know what, I almost believe him. 

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Bert Jones on Making Uninformed Decisions

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    AP Photo

    And yet former Colts quarterback Bert Jones never thought to look it up. Ya know…before deciding that it would be his career goal for life after football. 

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Shannon Sharpe on the Character of Ray Lewis

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    AP Photo/Roberto Borea

    I see where Shannon Sharpe was going with that, but I just don’t think he was painting as positive a picture about himself or Ray Lewis as he probably thought he was. It makes him look like a weirdo, Lewis look like a psycho and the bear look like the victim of a couple of (former) Ravens. 

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Mike Tyson on Retiring to South America

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    AP Photo/Rob Burns

    Fade into Bolivian, as opposed to fading into Peru, Chile, Paraguay, Argentina, Ecuador, Colombia and/or Brazil. Fading into Bolivian is definitely the worst option there. 

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Yogi Berra on Stopping People from Not Starting

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    AP Photo/Robert Kradin

    The legendarily legendary Yogi Berra is just as famous for his verbal dead-ends as he is for anything he did on the baseball field. Which is stunningly impressive, given his immense accomplishments on the field. 

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Michael Vick on Overestimating One of His Weapons

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    AP Photo/John Bazemore

    If we’re being real—like really real—arms and legs actually count as four weapons. Add the brain into that equation, and you’ve got five weapons. 

    Turns out Mike Vick’s math skills are even worse than we thought. 

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Charles “Casey” Stengel on Life and Death

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    AP Photo/Anthony Camerano

    Thank God! That Walking Dead stuff certainly seems like an adventure on television, but nobody really wants to deal with the zombie apocalypse. 

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Jerry Coleman on Not Knowing Which Way Is Up

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    AP Photo/John Dunn

    Well, I guess that depends on what the definition of "at" is. Prepositions are usually the first words most babies learn because they’re easy to pronounce and understand.

    Jerry Coleman and Bill Clinton would probably see eye-to-eye here.  

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Artis Gilmore on Having No Time for Stupid Questions

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    AP Photo

    That was the response of former NBA basketball player Artis Gilmore when he was asked if he played basketball for a living. It was actually the only logical response to an absolutely ridiculous question.  

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