Michael Jackson Could Have Played Sports

Jackie Moon DBBJun 29, 2009

Wacko died last week. And Jackie Moon was shocked. Shocked that it took Jessie Jackson almost two hours to somehow insert himself into the story. Uhhh. That was unnecessary.

Even Jackie Moon realizes how big Jackson was, and how that guy oozed stage presence.

Honestly, of all the semi-acquitted child molesters, Jackson was probably the most talented. Apologies to Roman Polanski.

So no doubt Mike was talented. No doubt Mike was a showman. No doubt Mike was comfortable in front of crowds, so it got JM to thinking. Could Mike have played pro sports? Absolutely.

What do pros need? Speed, power, dedication, the ability to compartmentalize. And an undying need to succeed.

Speed. No one changed races faster than Mike.

Power: I don’t know how strong MJ was, but I highly doubt you just ‘accidentally’ get promoted to sequined general. Who knows what kind of power that guy has over all the sequined foot soldiers. North Korea is breathing easier this morning, I’m sure.

Dedication: No matter what face he had, which bad video he was promoting, or what sun umbrella Jacko was using, he always found the time to be weird. Off the charts weird. Living with a chimp named bubbles, and in a house with a ferris wheel, and those weren’t even the things that made him weird—weird.

Ability to compartmentalize. After 1991, even though music kept adapting, Mike was able to stay in his 1980s sound, and style. That takes tremendous concentration. And lack of creativity based on heavy medication and an abusive childhood (I’m just guessing).

Ability to succeed. Mike succeeded in making a mockery of childhood innocence and middle age men creepiness. That guy succeeded in making billions of dollars and losing 10s of billions of dollars. Nothing fazed him. Or maybe it did, but since his face had so much plastique, maybe he couldn’t emote any facial reactions. This one I’ll admit, I’m a little unsure about.

Who knows? If Jacko hadn’t have been a child star, then become obsessed with being Diana Ross, and make some visionary albums, I think there’s a good chance he might have become a ballplayer, gotten really rich, abused drugs, and had all his records tarnished. He had that kind of range. Sadly, we’ll never know.