Diamondbacks To Implement Broken-Bat Hitting Scheme To Catch Nationals (Satire)

Elijah MandersContributor IJune 27, 2009

PHOENIX - JUNE 23:  Gerardo Parra #9 of the Arizona Diamondbacks hits a broken bat single against the Texas Rangers during the major league baseball game at Chase Field on June 23, 2009 in Phoenix, Arizona. The Diamondbacks defeated the Rangers 8-2. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

Manager A.J. Hinch is desperate in his quest to fail. He has experimented with the idea of sending his sluggers up with broken bats to improve their chances as seen in the above photo.

"We like our chances with guys like Chris Young, Tony Clark, and Augie Ojeda all batting around .200," Hinch bragged. "But I'm a perfectionist and this broken-bat strategy can only help matters."

The Diamondbacks lost to the Anaheim Angels 2-1 today for their fourth straight loss, leaving them a season-worst 15 games under .500. The offense wasted another strong pitching performance, this time from the revitalized Doug Davis, who threw seven innings of 5-hit, 1-run ball. He also had a throwing error that led to the Angels first run. 

"If it wasn't for that throwing error we might have had to trade Dougy right there in the seventh inning. He was throwing so well he might have cost us the loss," said Hinch.

"We're going to do whatever it takes to finish the job here and see that we are clearly the worst team in Major League Baseball," a proud GM Josh Byrnes pronounced.

"But if we have to we'd like to bring in some Old Timers we think we can secure them for cheap contracts and it might bring in more fan interest at the same time."

The D'Backs have secured the majors second worst record and now seem to be aiming for a showdown with the Washington Nationals to see who can be the most inept team this year. While the Nationals sit at a meager .296 winning percentage they have managed to win five of their last 10, gaining two games on the D'backs.

As the trade deadline nears players like Davis will be hot commodities and if they are traded may provide the D'backs with that extra edge to pass the Nationals. This from a team many predicted would give the Dodgers a run for the division crown.

"We like to keep the game close you know so a few fans stick around, like the other night we lost 9-8 to the Rangers in 13 innings, but our eyes are still on the prize."  "I think we can trade off some of our overachieving players and get the job done" said Byrnes.