And You Thought Steroids Were No Laughing Matter

(Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

Testosterone, steroids, PEDs, or performance enhancers.

Anyway you say it, it means one thing: We can’t stop talking about them—or rather we can’t stop talking about the people who abuse themselves with them.

Honestly, I think the whole “steroids in baseball” thing is a welcome reprieve from reality TV, and a lot more interesting than Who’s Got Kate’s Eight or whatever that show is called, but one thing doesn’t make sense.

I thought baseball players volunteered for the 2003 test that put them on that “list.”

Don’t get me wrong—taking steroids is unacceptable—but a secret list of men on ‘roids is as dangerous as parading the Chippendale dancers past a crowd of desperate housewives.

That “list” is like a who’s who of "men I’d love to…” Well, let’s just say we shall heretofore refer to it as the “MILF list.”

But who’s leaking the names?

It’s not me. I only leak when I sneeze.

My money’s on Dr. Evil. I’ll bet he’s in bed with one of the lawyers who feeds victims from the list to the New York Times in return for derivative tips on how the announcement will affect Wall Street.

And I think Dr. Evil has developed an undetectable method of performance enhancement and has a team of slaves he’s collected and injected for league domination.

On that note, Dr. Evil could only be a girl. And I’ll bet she’s mad that Alex Rodriguez wouldn’t sleep with her.

That’s the answer – a woman scorned. Nothing’s more vindictive. Just ask Lorena Bobbitt. Except Lorena could actually find what she wanted to cut off her husband.

Whoa! Did I just say that?

That’s the ironic thing—when you use steroids to enhance your performance, your package gets smaller.

You're currently logged into Facebook

Do you want to share your Bleacher Report activity on Facebook?