Your cat does not love you.
You are just a tall, salty source of food and occasional comfort, and Arian Foster wants you to realize this.
The Houston Texans running back went on a Twitter binge Thursday night, engaging with fans over random trivia. Naturally, the conversation quickly turned into a tail-measuring contest between cat and dog people, with Foster sticking firmly to his belief that felines don't love their owners.
Andrew Sharp of Grantland spotted the beginning of the exchange, which started as all other things on Twitter: with some guy who doesn’t understand sarcasm.
Foster shot back with the simple, timeless, cat-loner joke.
He then took a moment to consider the cat-owner relationship.
The guy who misses the point on everything answered quickly, doing exactly what he was born to do.
Foster conceded the point. The guy did say “swine,” after all.
And back to the subject of cat love, or the complete nonexistence thereof.
And that is when all sorts of crazy began rolling in. Within minutes, Foster found himself jaw-deep in pictures of cat owners wrangling their preciouses.
Just when things got rolling, Larry popped in.
Wrong Larry. Here’s the one:
Around this time, Foster realized he was dealing with a legion of prickly cat lovers. They may smell like Hobby Lobby, but they are a proud people.
The attempts at legitimizing their cats' loyalty continued, with many citing Hero Cat as an example. Foster broke out some Statsinese to foil the comparison.
But he had made his bed—a bed now covered in fur—and he was going to sleep in it.
Put on a re-breather. Time for some mentions.
Yup. Mini cat beds. They're out there.
Larry Fitzgerald then reentered the conversation and made it known he is decidedly pro dog.
Foster ended the debate with a Pic Stitch of some woman(s?) inhaling nearly every single species of cat known.
With that, the War of the Cat Lovers ended, or at least the first battle. There were casualties on both sides, but I think it’s safe to say feline fans got the worst of it.
Then again, maybe cat people won. After all, they got to post pictures of their cats online. Saturday night came early this week.
Dan is a species-ist on the Twitters.