Your cat does not love you.
You are just a tall, salty source of food and occasional comfort, and Arian Foster wants you to realize this.
The Houston Texans running back went on a Twitter binge Thursday night, engaging with fans over random trivia. Naturally, the conversation quickly turned into a tail-measuring contest between cat and dog people, with Foster sticking firmly to his belief that felines don't love their owners.
Andrew Sharp of Grantland spotted the beginning of the exchange, which started as all other things on Twitter: with some guy who doesn’t understand sarcasm.
@ArianFoster says the "intellectual" who uses ain't— Matt (@scallionwag) May 23, 2014
Foster shot back with the simple, timeless, cat-loner joke.
He then took a moment to consider the cat-owner relationship.
Cat owners are intriguing to me, cuz the cat really doesn't like you. He's just appreciative of the food. In my observation anyway.— Arian Foster (@ArianFoster) May 23, 2014
The guy who misses the point on everything answered quickly, doing exactly what he was born to do.
@ArianFoster what is this "garuntee" you speak of, you uneducated swine?— Matt (@scallionwag) May 23, 2014
Foster conceded the point. The guy did say “swine,” after all.
And back to the subject of cat love, or the complete nonexistence thereof.
Your cat doesn't love you. Sorry.— Arian Foster (@ArianFoster) May 23, 2014
And that is when all sorts of crazy began rolling in. Within minutes, Foster found himself jaw-deep in pictures of cat owners wrangling their preciouses.
Just when things got rolling, Larry popped in.
Wrong Larry. Here’s the one:
How's your week going?— Larry Fitzgerald (@LarryFitzgerald) May 23, 2014
It's cool. Talkin about cats now with my followers. RT @LarryFitzgerald: How's your week going?— Arian Foster (@ArianFoster) May 23, 2014
Around this time, Foster realized he was dealing with a legion of prickly cat lovers. They may smell like Hobby Lobby, but they are a proud people.
Starting to respect the ambition of cat owners to prove to me their cats love them. I dig that.— Arian Foster (@ArianFoster) May 23, 2014
The attempts at legitimizing their cats' loyalty continued, with many citing Hero Cat as an example. Foster broke out some Statsinese to foil the comparison.
But he had made his bed—a bed now covered in fur—and he was going to sleep in it.
Check my mentions if you like pictures of cats getting forced to take pictures by their owners to show their adorability.— Arian Foster (@ArianFoster) May 23, 2014
Put on a re-breather. Time for some mentions.
Yup. Mini cat beds. They're out there.
Larry Fitzgerald then reentered the conversation and made it known he is decidedly pro dog.
@ArianFoster that's an interesting topic! Are they for or against cats?— Larry Fitzgerald (@LarryFitzgerald) May 23, 2014
They love cats. I'm explaining to them it's not reciprocated RT @LarryFitzgerald: that's an interesting topic! Are they for or against cats?— Arian Foster (@ArianFoster) May 23, 2014
@ArianFoster let em know— Larry Fitzgerald (@LarryFitzgerald) May 23, 2014
Foster ended the debate with a Pic Stitch of some woman(s?) inhaling nearly every single species of cat known.
With that, the War of the Cat Lovers ended, or at least the first battle. There were casualties on both sides, but I think it’s safe to say feline fans got the worst of it.
Then again, maybe cat people won. After all, they got to post pictures of their cats online. Saturday night came early this week.
Dan is a species-ist on the Twitters.