The Name Game: MLB 2009 Edition – Part I

It is a fine tradition among major league announcers to have fun with players’ names. Here in Chicago, Harry Caray liked to announce the names backwards.

Current Cub radio play-by-play man Pat Hughes takes it a step further: “I often think that a good matchup would be Chris Carpenter versus Kerry Wood. I also think that the National Anthem on that day should be sung by MC Hammer.”

Personally I’ll laugh at things as silly as a guy with two first names (Jay Bruce), guys with one male and one female name (Ted Lilly), guys with last names that are nouns (Matt Stairs) or guys whose surnames indicate alternate vocations (Josh Bard).

Some of these absolutely stab us in the face (Ryan Church) and some blend in rather nicely (Corey Hart).

Whew! This is only the beginning. We could go on listing all the inane ones, or we could have some real fun.

Lets hand out the awards…

Hardest Name To Say Five Times Fast

Travis Schlichting (P, LAD).

If you get it, you're pretty good. I know you're trying. But lets move on...

Name That Most Needs Sponsorship

Phil Coke (P, NYY).

This has gotta be pretty rare. Unless there's an R.C. Rowand out there. C.C. Nintendo?

Most Random Misspelling Of A Common Name

Jhonny Peralta (SS, Cle).

Followed closely by Cla Meredith (P, SD), who came in second because it seems like they just forgot something.

I know there's a lot of action in the delivery room. But do these things just get overlooked that often that there are two birth certificate mistakes playing baseball?

Name That Most Sounds Like A Place

Ben Francisco (LF, Cle).

Followed closely by both Huston Street (P, Col) and Orlando Hudson (2B, LAD), which is actually two places.

Ben Francisco also wins for Name That Should Most Be Sung Out Loud: “Ben-Fran-CISCO!”.

Onward...

Names That Indicate Something Unpleasant About The Name-Bearers

Dan Uggla (2B, Fla). Kevin Slowey (P, Min).

There are no winners here.

Name That Sounds Like Both Words Start With The Wrong Letter

Wladimir Balentien (LF, Sea).

..Because Vladimir Valentine would be so very awesome.

Name That Could Use A Better Variety Of Consonants

Jair Jurrjens (P, Atl).

C'mon ma, throw a 'g' in there somewhere!

Best Colonial Name

Eli Whiteside (C, SF).

"Every head at the bar turned when the saloon doors slammed open and the piano player stopped. Gasp! It was Eli Whiteside. He had left town months ago on the back of a stolen horse."

Best Real-Estate Mogul Name

J.P. Howell (P, TB).

No joke. I don't want him buying my house just to bulldoze it and build a parking lot.

Best Name For Getting You Beat Up In Grade School

Taylor Teagarden (C, TX).

This poor, poor guy. I guess he showed 'em all now, playing backup catcher.

Best Duplication Of An Already-Famous Name

Brian Wilson (P, SF).

I'm pretty sure they both dig California girls.

Best Movie Star Name

Alan Embree (P, Col).

Romantic comedies preferred.

Best Action Hero Name

Bronson Arroyo (P, Cin).

Please... don't kill his family.

Most Boring Name In All Of Baseball

Joe Smith (P, Cle).

And yet Seth Smith (LF, Col)... pretty cool.

Top Five All-Around Names.... Number Five

Evan Longoria (3B, TB)

It's only crazy because he’s in no way related to famous actress Eva Longoria.

What were the odds that both of them would rise to fame anywhere near the same time?

It’s probably around the same odds as Kenny Rogers being both a country weirdo and a major league jerk around the same time. Or Michael Myers being both a guy who butchered people and a dude who butchers accents.

So I guess it happens quite often, just not in this boy/girl tandem (where the hell are you, Christian Aguilera?).

Number Four

Chien-Ming Wang (P, NYY)

Okay, so this is some lowbrow humor. But it makes for good headlines:

Wang Pounded By Twins

Wang Not in Rhythm

Wang Slays Tigers…

Now you do one!

Number Three

Antonio Bastardo (P, Phi)

This is just plain great.

I might use this name in a book one day. He should be the supervillian in a B movie, sporting a cane and thin mustache.

But if I'd have made it up, they'd tell me it's too silly .

Number Two

Milton Bradley (OF, Cubs)

So out-there it makes you wonder: was it planned? Were his parents big Connect-4 fans?

What would have been perfect is if the guy had joined the Navy and sunk battleships for a living.

And Finally... Number One

Coco Crisp (OF, KC)

This has been a lot of fun, kids, but really… it wasn’t even a competition.

I just hope this guy gets the endorsement deal he deserves one day.

[ Stay tuned for part two, where we’ll have more categories such as “Name That Most Sounds Like It Was Picked By An Alien For Its Human Form” and give out best team awards. Until then.. ]