Dear American League,
We, the mediocre of the senior circuit, have decided to forfeit this year's All-Star game. This road we travel filled with awful pitching and hitters who only look good because of it has in no way prepared us for a battle against you.
You are far superior in all ways.
We continually bank on you beating up one another during the playoffs, so that we may have a chance to get lucky and beat you in four games come time for the World Series.
Therefore, we shall give you homefield advantage in the World Series seeing as three of our playoff teams will most likely not even deserve to be in it.
But besides that, what's up with you? How's the family? I heard you are getting NL-like over in the West. That is pretty pathetic.
Yes, Jamie Moyer still pitches with us. Haha, still can't believe you lost to a team who had Brett Meyers as a number two and Jamie Moyer as a number three. Sorry, I know you hate bringing that up even more than the whole awful 83-win Cardinals thing featuring Jeff Suppan, Jeff Weaver and Anthony Reyes.
I saw Juan Uribe the other day. He's hitting close to .300 with us. I don't know how you guys made him look so foolish at the plate all the time.
Javier Vazquez has found whatever he couldn't in the American League with us. He's sitting pretty with a 3.18 ERA.
Not sure how Ted Lilly was so mediocre with you guys. We can't hit him. He has a 3.04 ERA after never being below a 4.00 ERA with you.
Remember Joel Pineiro? Yeah, he has a 3.40 ERA after having ERAs of 5.62, 6.36, and 5.03 with you his last three years.
I can't believe how right you were about Dan Haren. I know you said he was good against you, but at least you somewhat hit him. We can't touch the guy. He's got a 2.23 ERA after having ERAs of 3.73, 4.12 and 3.07 his last three seasons with you.
Please don't ever send Joe Mauer or Roy Halladay to us. It was bad enough you sent us C.C. Sabathia for half a season then Johan Santana and Manny Ramirez for good. Thank god we put those steroids in Manny's hair otherwise he'd continue making us look bad.
You were right, by the way, about Rich Harden being a whiny little baby. I think he got injured sleeping the other day.
FYI, Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt won't come over until you get rid of some hitters or find them a ginormous park to hide in. I'm just warning you.
Well, tell Jason Bay we said, "Hi" and we are happy he is representing us well. Tell Matt Holliday, "Thanks for making Coors Field and the NL look like bigger jokes."
Finally, please tell Kerry Wood to stop sending us letters begging to come back. He had his chance.
The National League
P.S. I'm still mad at you for saying Raul Ibanez was just okay. He's awesome.
Dear American League,