[Editors Note, Carl has chosen to withhold his last name due to what he calls a persistent threat to his identity. We asked Carl, Strongman and Non-certified Bodybuilding Enthusiast, to give us some strength & conditioning advice. Carl doesn't actually own a computer or know how to send e-mails. What follows are a series of voice mails left on Tom Hammer's answering machine.]
Hi. This is Tom Hammer. You know what to do. (Sly wink and a gun not captured in message)—BEEP
"Whether you're looking to enter bodybuilding competitions or merely add some bulk muscle, it's time to separate fact from fiction in the weight room.
Normally, I would charge up to $250/hour to share these secrets, so take some freakin' notes. That skinny-necked Tom Hammer's been bustin' my balls to answer his fitness Q & As, so while I'm sittin' here in traffic, here goes:
Q: Which gym should I join?
A: You wanna look for a place that's got plenty o' free weights and that don't beef if ya use chalk to grip the bars. And tests show that kick-ass rock music boosts metabolism.
So find a joint that only plays the best rock music, Foghat, Thin Lizzie, Emerson Lake & Palmer. The classics.
Q: What should I wear to the gym?
A: Got any Under Armour gear? Throw it in the freakin' trash can. Physical strength is 50 percent attitude (see below for full percentage breakdown), so when you look in the mirror you don't want to see some pansy that oughtta be playin' tennis.
Ya wanna get a shirt that's a few sizes small and then cut off the sleeves. Let the lats breathe.The shirt should look like you could fight a bear at a moment's notice.
And always wear a weight belt, even if you're just doin' cardio. And only fags do cardio. It's a fact. You can look it up. And bring a pair of black gloves in case ya run out of chalk.
[Ed. note: Bohogan.com doesn't endorse any of the comments around sexual orientation]
Q: Should I get a personal trainer?
A: Only if ya wanna look retarded. Best thing to do is just ask for a spotter, even if da person is on a treadmill or talking to someone else, just let 'em know ya need some help in the squat rack.
Q: What's the best hour-long workout for the upper and lower body?
A: You just made yourself sound like a complete idiot.
First of all, one hour?
Look at the trapezoid muscles in my neck. You think I got those by takin' shortcuts?
If you're committed to being healthy you need to devote entire days to a specific muscle. Mondays are neck. Tuesdays back. Wednesdays chest and tris. Et ceteras, et ceteras.
Q: What about diet?
A: Regardless o' how many drinkin' fountains are in the joint, when you're at the gym ya wanna carry a jug full of distilled water for quick breaks.
Distilled water lets the pores breathe and re-oxidizes the veins
[Ed. Note - None of Carl's statements have been verified by the FDA].
And if you're just startin' out, ya wanna be eatin' at least 300 grams of protein a day. Most nights I eat a tube of bulk sausage or hamburger and a half dozen hard-boiled eggs. Fruits & vegetables cause joint stiffness, fatigue and lazy eyes.
Carpe diem: consume them at your peril.
Q: Should I work out if I'm sick or injured?
A: Most scientists agree that unless there's blood in your stools, it's safe to exercise. Last month I was scrapping for a valve cover for my IROC at my cousin's junkyard when a rat bit me and my forearm swelled up like a bastard.
Did that stop me? No freakin' way. I drove to the gym wit the rat still dangling from my arm.
Q: Is it okay to socialize at the gym?
A: Now I'm gonna talk about the rest of the bodybuildin' pyramid of success- Oooh, wait. Those idiot radio DJs finally played the song I requested.
[Ed. Note - For the next 3:47 Carl sings along to Van Halen's "Pound Cake"].
As I was sayin', 50 percent of bodybuildin' is attitude.
Time for the other percentages. I don't have a printer, but if you call Tom Hammer he'll probably print out a chart and mail it to you.
[Ed. Note - Please don't call.].
There's 20 percent supplements, Creatine, energy drinks and so forth. Eighteen percent is bein' tan. Nine percent is gear (see earlier note about clothing). Twenty-two percent is genetics.And 83 percent is effort.
If I ask a guy to spot me, the last thing I want to hear is how busy he is.
The only acceptable banter is a compliment like if you see a guy lookin' huge in the locker room—just say somethin' like "hey big man" or "nice meat."
Q: Are some people born scrawny and disease-prone and therefore hopeless?
[Ed. Note - Carl posed this question himself].
A: Without question, some of us have a huge advantage with the DNA.
One look at me and you know I hit the genetics lottery. My great-uncle Fritz used to travel with the circus as a strongman and people'd pay to see him lift wagons of coal or immigrants.Nowadays you need a license to do that 'cause everyone's so PC.
But even if you weren't born with natural gifts it's still possible to not look like a total freakin' embarrassment if you follow my fitness pyramid plan.
Best idea is to send me a check for $250 and then I'll call you to discuss a personalized plan.
Alright, I finally got to the gym. Time to get jacked up and bring the noise, I like to go in there like a Sherman tank full o' cobras.
Until next time, Carl is out!