My Hunger For “Lite” Sports Stories

It’s not that I am trying to watch my weight. Anyone who knows me knows that I haven’t missed too many meals. 

It’s not that I am trying to get healthy. Outside of quitting smoking I really haven’t done much to lower my blood pressure in the past several years. 

It’s just that I am finding too may chemicals in my sporting news diet. Too many carbs, too much sugar, it’s too much of something. 

There is too much of what I don’t want in my daily intake of the world of sports. 

Allow me to be a little more clear about this. 

Hmmm. 

How do I put this without offending someone? 

I DON’T want to know that New England Patriot’s QB Tom Brady’s wife or girlfriend is pregnant! 

I don’t want to know that Tom Brady’s girlfriend is now going to be his wife, or has become his wife, or no longer wants to be his wife. 

I don’t want to know that Tom Brady’s wife, who was once his girlfriend, is now pregnant and wants to be his girlfriend again, or was once pregnant, and wants to be pregnant again or whatever the gossip of the week is. 

I’d rather read about a breakdown in Brady’s protection on the field, not off of it. 

Since when did E.S.P.N. merge with Entertainment Tonight? 

It used to be that reading about, and watching, sports was a sanctuary for those who wanted to escape the estrogen lined walls of gossip and relationships.

 Now we are flooded with stories of Tony Romo’s vacations with Jessica Simpson. 

If I can’t be on the beach with Jessica Simpson then I don’t want to read about someone else being there with her. 

And if for the sake of argument I did want to read about that, then I can find it on a copy of Cosmopolitan I’m sure. 

When I click on Fox Sports please allow me the respect to read about 40 times, inflating ERA’s, and contract extensions. I don’t need to know that Lance Armstrong just “Twitted” that he had a baby boy. 

Don’t get me wrong.  If Candace Parker of the WNBA is going to miss 3-4 weeks because she just gave birth, then the story of how her team will fill her void in the lineup is definitely newsworthy. 

The birth of her child is not. 

Now wait! I can already feel the steam coming off some readers with me having just said that, but honestly, babies are born everyday. In fact, according to the Census Bureau, about 4 babies are born every second. 

Which means in the time it took RB Chris Johnson of the Tennessee Titans to run his 4.28 40yard time, there were about 17 babies born. 

I should never be able to link to an article about The Bachelorette from any sports sight. 

When were we infiltrated sports fans?

 Who allowed this into our world? 

Oh well. I guess if I really need to read about sports I have to read it in GQ.