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Packers Name David Pesnell Starting Running Back For 2009 Season,

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Packers Name David Pesnell Starting Running Back For 2009 Season,
(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

At Wednesday's 7:00 news conference, Packer General Manager Ted Thompson and Coach Mike McCarthy announced the signing of running back David Pesnell and named him the starting running back for the 2009 football season.  They cited Pesnell's overall speed, pass catching, and blocking ability as the main reasons for the surprised announcement.  The Packers, who were expected to start running back Ryan Grant, have announced that Grant will back up Pesnell.  The Packers did not discuss the terms of the contract signed by Pesnell prior to the news conference.  Pesnell stated through his representatives "that he was thrilled to be a Packer, it was a long time dream."

Now, before everyone starts pulling out their hair and rummaging through magazines looking for stats on David Pesnell and who he is, I wish to announce that the writer of this article is one David Pesnell and secondly, the above is a life long fantasy, that when you read my reasons, will make sense; even though I am 55 years old, 25 pounds over weight and not in the best of shape.  Here are my reasons why, in reality, the Packers should sign me:

1) "Speed kills", we all know this.  Most defensive players know that the average running back has roughly 4.5 speed and are conditioned and trained to position themselves to make tackles based on the quickness of the running back.  In my case, I can do the 40 yard dash in slightly under 12 minutes, which means defensive players are not trained to tackle such slow moving running backs.  In fact, most will probably miss me by yards when trying to anticipate where I will be.  They will always be trying to tackle in front of me or be out of position.  Remember "Speed Kills", even very slow speed.

2) With me running the ball, the offensive line will make major improvements over last season and in fact, may be the best offensive line in the NFL.  Why?  Who would want to be responsible for a 55 year old running back getting killed...understand the logic?  The will have to give 150% to protect me.

3) My pass protection ability will keep Rodgers protected for the whole season.  Why you ask, it is simple.  What defensive end in their right mind would want to run through a 55 year old guy and face man-slaughter charges?  Unless your a Cincinnati Bengal, I can't think of any.  I would keep Rodgers safe, protect his blind side and give him time to make the pass.

4) The best argument for having me as the starting running back is pass catching skills.  I believe the Packers, on passing downs, should move me to Wide Receiver and put Donald Driver in the slot.  When the play starts, the defensive back would be back peddling much faster then I can run, creating distance between me and the defensive back...easy pass completion and a guaranteed 5 yards per reception.  And there is no defensive back in the NFL who wants to look bad by jamming a 55 year old guy at the line and risk hurting him and looking bad, unless, again, your a Cincinnati Bengal.  

The best part of my signing with the Packers is I can be a two way player.  Think about it, the Packers had problems getting to the opposing quarterback last year; will the problem is solved.  I will be the outside linebacker opposite of Kampman.  It would be great.  If Dom Capers thinks the opponents will pass on third down, he starts blitzing me on second down.  When the ball snaps on second down, I blitz the quarterback and with my speed,  I continue to do so after the play and continue to blitz as the teams huddle, and as the opponents reach the line for third down, I am now in full running motion and as they snap the ball, bang...I am there.  Remember, speed kills. Even if it is slow.

And finally, the greatest value I bring as being the starting running back and linebacker for the Packers is I would do it for only $100,000 a year.   This would free up several million dollars in cap space so the Packers have the ability to build a team around me.  

So get ready for the upcoming season with me as the starting running back and possible linebacker for our beloved Green Bay Packers.  I can't wait to look out across the field to the Packer faithful in the stands holding up signs saying "55 year old guys Rock".  And the best part, as the years pass, I will even get slower.  I can't wait until everyone in the NFL, from the teams to the fans, will be talking about the slow 55 year old super star running back for the Green Bay Packers and forget about Brett whats-his-name.  

GO PACK!

 

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