Satan Hoists Cup, and the Fun That Comes with It

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Satan Hoists Cup, and the Fun That Comes with It
(Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

The Eternal Forces have brought their Spiritual War to the sports world, and it's been going on for a while.

In October 2002, the Righteous scored a victory when the Anaheim Angels won the World Series.

Eight months later, the Unholy got revenge when the New Jersey Devils won the Stanley Cup, defeating Anaheim's own Mighty Ducks.

The following season, the Righteous, directing the Tampa Bay Lightning, struck down the Unholy's Calgary Flames in a seven-game classic for the Cup.

Two years later, the Unholy were victorious again when the Miami Heat became champions of the NBA.

Mere months afterward, it was the Righteous' turn. The NFL's New Orleans Saints won their division and advanced to the best postseason showing in their history.

More recently, the Righteous claimed another victory in 2008 when Tampa Bay's Major League Baseball team dropped "Devil" from its moniker, simply becoming the "Rays."  That move seemed to spark an improbable run that saw the franchise not only have its first-ever winning season, but a berth in the World Series.

Now, with the Pittsburgh Penguins hoisting the 2009 Stanley Cup, the Unholy claim they have struck back, executing a plan that was nearly a year in the making.

On July 3, 2008, with attention keenly focused on the Rays' unbelievable run, a journeyman winger named "Miroslav" was innocuously signed to a one-year deal with the upstart Pittsburgh Penguins, who had just been defeated by the Detroit Red Wings in the 2008 Stanley Cup Final.

After struggling for much of the year, Miroslav was "sent down" to the Penguins' AAA club for the remainder of the regular season.

Miroslav's return for the playoffs saw him acquire six points (one goal, five assists) and six minor penalty minutes (he also had a 5-minute major for fighting). 

That was in addition to the six power-play goals he scored during the regular season.

It was enough to help guide the Penguins to their third-ever championship.

And it was enough to see Miroslav (commonly referred to by play-by-play broadcasters as Satan) raise hockey's sacred chalice.

Insiders for the Unholy, however, say that everything did not go according to plan. 

In the waning seconds of Game 7, Detroit's Nicklas Lidstrom was to score a last-second, game-tying goal to force overtime.

In the ensuing period, 11 minutes and six seconds in, Satan was then supposed to put the final tally past Red Wings goalie Chris Osgood.

Newspapers coast to coast were prepared to print the headline: "Satan Burns Wings in OT, Penguins Win Stanley Cup"

When asked what went wrong, the Unholy grudgingly admit that the Righteous were one step ahead of them.

Two days prior to Satan signing with Pittsburgh, the Penguins signed a man by the name of "Eric."

Eric Godard.

The Unholy said that it was all they could do just to ensure that Godard was a healthy scratch throughout the playoffs. 

Although it can't be proven, the Unholy claim that Godard's presence was enough to allow Penguins goalie Marc-Andre Fleury to maintain his focus on the puck as it ricocheted to Lidstrom's stick.

While the Unholy still claim victory, insiders for the Righteous point out that both names, Satan and Godard, will now be engraved on the Stanley Cup.

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