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The Ultimate 2009 NBA Mock Draft

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The Ultimate 2009 NBA Mock Draft
(Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

With the NBA Draft fast approaching, many experts and average Joe's are taking their cracks to predict how things will go on draft night.  I'm here to tell you every single one of them is dead wrong. 

I got the scoop for you and I have seen the future and my draft board is THE ultimate draft board.  So, Chad Ford, how does my a...you know what, let's keep it clean.

(This is meant to be humorous. It will probably fail. I'm not trying to be mean to your team/city/state, I'm just having fun. I apologize in advance if I offend you...not really.)

1. Los Angeles Clippers
Bruno - Austria
The Clippers are a franchise known for making odd choices (Michael Olowokandi anybody?) and they continue that trend with the Austrian Journalist who, and this might shock you, is gay.  Bruno, who will have one of the hit movies of the summer, can bring positive momentum to the gay marriage movement in California (if that's important to you) and most importantly, is the least likely person to be caught cavorting around with a teenage female employee at a hotel in Colorado.

2. Memphis Grizzlies
Three 6 Mafia - Memphis
At this point, the Grizzlies are so poorly run, any basketball decision they make will probably be the wrong one. So why not bring in the homegrown rap heroes who are infinitely more likely to sell out the FedEx Forum than the basketball team? Who can better bring home gold to Memphis than the group who has as many Academy Awards as Martin Scorsese?

3. Oklahoma Thunder
Blake Griffin - Oklahoma
Griffin will undoubtedly be the first pick in the real draft and Sam Bradford could very well be the top pick in next year's NFL draft. That means Oklahoma will join Utah as schools with the current number one pick in both basketball and football (Andrew Bogut and Alex Smith, both of whom have had stellar careers). It will mark the first time in draft history that the same school has produced the top pick in the NBA and NFL draft, both of whom are cross-eyed. What's in the water in Oklahoma?

4. Sacramento Kings
Wayne Newton - Las Vegas
Seriously, wouldn't the Maloof brothers both give a testicle to move the franchise to Vegas? So draft the legendary Vegas performer now and watch the seats fill up as you make the move to Sin City.

5. Washington Wizards
Barack Obama - President of the United States
Since Obama is a god (or so I'm told when I watch CNN), he can heal Gilbert Arenas' achy knee and teach Antawn Jamison how to play defense. Obama was a standout basketball player in high school and overcame his inability to do anything but go left. 

6. Minnesota Timberwolves
Brett Favre - Southern Mississippi
Does anybody know what he's up to these days? Seriously, I haven't heard anything since he retired from the Jets a few months ago. I wonder what he's up to these days.

7.  Golden State Warriors
Speidi - Who Cares
Don Nelson is a coach who cares little for defense and is all about offense. Spencer Pratt is about the most offensive person on the planet right now. And can we stop trying to make Speidi happen? There is only one Spidey and it's Peter Parker.

8. New York Knicks
Ricky Rubio - Spain
It's no secret Mike D'Antoni covets foreign-born players with tremendous amounts of skill. It was still a tough pick for D'Antoni to go with Rubio over other European-born players James Hardenov and Jordan Hillini.

9. Toronto Raptors
Sidney Crosby - Nova Scotia
Since Canadians don't care about basketball anyway, the Raptors are better off trying their hands at hockey and Sid the Kid is a Canadian hero who just became the youngest captain to win the Stanley Cup in league history. I bet Chris Bosh would make a hell of a left winger and they couldn't honestly be much more inept than the Maple Leafs, can they?

10.  Milwaukee Bucks
Tyler Hansbrough - UNC
The organization has a penchant for drafting goofy big guys. Recent picks have included Joe Alexander, Andrew Bogut, Dan Gadzuric, Joel Pryzbilla and Dirk Nowitzki (whom they traded for Robert Traylor, good work there Bucks). No one is certain of how good Psycho T will be in the NBA, but I have a sneaking suspicion he's Eric Montross for the 21st century. Have you ever seen the two in the same place at the same time?

11. New Jersey Nets
Beyonce - Houston, TX
Jay-Z can keep trying to tell himself that LeBron James will sign with the Nets as the team moves to Brooklyn, but after the Eastern Conference Finals it will be shocking if King James ends up anywhere but MSG playing for the Knicks. This way Jay-Z can at least hang on to his no-longer-single lady for the time being and I'm sure they'll come out with a song cleverly titled "Bonnie and Clyde 2009"

12. Charlotte Bobcats
Ty Lawson - UNC
When all else fails, expect the Bobcats to draft a player from UNC. It makes absolutely no sense with Raymond Felton and D.J. Augustin on the roster, but this is the NBA where nothing ever makes sense when it comes to the perennial lottery teams.

13. Indiana Pacers
Larry Bird - French Lick, IN
The Pacers need a complimentary scorer to go alongside emerging star Danny Granger and something tells me after several years off, Bird could be what the Pacers need to take it to the next level. J.J. Redick was selected 11th overall and he can't do anything but shoot three-pointers.  He also played critical minutes in the NBA Finals and it worked out so well for the Magic. Who would you honestly take a game of one-on-one, Bird or Reddick?

14.  Phoenix Suns
Stephen Curry - Davidson
I don't really know why other than the fact that I'm not really impressed by anyone in this draft except Griffin, Rubio, and Tyreke Evans and I think it would be fun to see Steph sit out there on the wing and watch Steve Nash kick out to him for three-pointer after three-pointer.

15.  Detroit Pistons
Matthew Stafford - UGA
Seeing as how the Lions are paying him $41 million before he ever takes a snap, the Pistons might as well get some use out of him, especially given the economic crisis in Michigan right now.

16. Chicago Bulls
The Guy who Took Derrick Rose's SAT - Parts Unknown
Might want to keep that guy around to keep Derrick from getting into any trouble down the road. Probably not a bad idea.

17.  Philadelphia 76ers
Dionte Christmas - Temple
For some reason I always have trouble coming up with something clever for the Philadelphia teams in all sports. I guess it's because they'd boo the selection anyway. I put Christmas here because he played his college ball in Philly and has the most BADASS NAME EVER.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves
Brett Favre - Southern Mississppi
No really, Sage RosenFAILS and Tavaris Jackson are quarterbacks for Minnesota.  Besides, Favre is a nonchalant guy, a great teammate and not a diva at all.

19. Atlanta Hawks
Jeff Teague - Wake Forest
Atlanta had its chance to draft a game-changing point guard from Wake Forest once and passed. I don't know if you heard about that? Anyway, since I'm a die-hard Hawks fan, Teague would definitely end up sucking badly for Atlanta.

20.  Utah Jazz
B.J. Mullens - Ohio State
Okur, Kirilenko, Matt Harpring and Kyle Korver are there already. You can't have enough goofy big guys (see: Milwaukee). Utah could now have Mullens and Kosta Koufos, the twin Buckeye towers, to keep each other company on the bench.

21. New Orleans Hornets
David Simon - Washington D.C.
Simon put Baltimore back on the Map with "Homicide: Life on the Street," the brilliant HBO show "The Wire."  Now he has his sights set on the Big Easy with a new show about New Orleans musicians called "Treme."  The show will star Clark Peters and Wendell Pierce who played Freemon and Bunk on "The Wire" which would give Chris Paul a better supporting cast than he currently has with the Hornets.

22.  Dallas Mavericks
Terrell Owens - UT Chattanooga
Owens is superb teammate, not one to talk out of turn, always gives his all, and works really well with fragile-minded leaders. He and Dirk Nowitzki would be a great tandem in Dallas. Get yo popcorn ready!

23.  Sacramento Kings
Sigfried and Roy - Las Vegas
Really, wouldn't Las Vegas be the ultimate home court advantage for a team in the NBA? I'd imagine for the players who play there the novelty of the city would wear off pretty quickly, but a one day stay would be deadly for most opposition.  Honestly, at this point doesn't a team with John Salmons as its second-best player need all the home court advantage it can get?

24.  Portland Trailblazers
What the hell does it matter?
If there's one thing we can be sure of, whoever the Blazers pick here won't be a Blazer for long. You can bet the Blazers will wheel and deal all night long and probably end up with Blake Griffin, Ricky Rubio, and Hasheem Thabeet before all is said and done.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder
Carrie Underwood - Muskogee, Oklahoma
The Thunder keep up the trend of drafting homegrown products in the 2009 NBA draft.  Honestly, she'd look a million times better in a Thunder jersey than Hasheem Thabeet and is really the only thing that can make those eyesores at all appealing. Underwood increases the number of awesome things to come from Oklahoma to one.

26. Chicago Bulls
Tyreke Evans - Memphis
I would watch a team with Rose at the one and Evans at the two every night.  Besides, they both played at a morally upstanding university for a squeaky-clean program and coach, clearly nothing could go wrong.

27.  Memphis Grizzlies
James Harden - Arizona State
I'm a pretty big sports fan and had never even heard of this guy until January.  I saw him play a couple of times and just wasn't impressed. A top five pick should be able to take over games. I just never saw it. That fits perfectly with Memphis' draft strategy of "draft crappy players or draft good ones we'll trade for chicken scratch later."

28. Minnesota Timberwolves
I'm not going there again I promise
So this is supposed to be the worst draft class in ages, right? So is it any wonder why the best teams in the league traded out of the first round and Memphis, OKC, and Minnesota have multiple picks. I like Sam Presti in OKC; Memphis and Minnesota are clearly train wrecks. This is why you can institute salary caps all you want, but crappily run franchises are going to remain crappy no matter what.

29. Los Angeles Lakers
The Kobe Puppet - Nike
It took Kobe until the NBA Finals to pass the ball to anybody on his team, so I'm just curious to see if he'd pass the ball to himself, in puppet form.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers
Dr. Phil McGraw - California
It's bad enough the Cavs' role players cemented LeBron's move to New York with an all-around poor performance in the Eastern Conference Finals, but did LeBron HAVE to wear a Yankees cap in his last media appearance of the season?  If a lifetime of heartbreak from the Drive, the Fumble, and Jordan's Shot isn't enough to make it happen, LeBron's eventual departure for the Knicks will finally make Cleveland fans jump into Lake Erie and end the misery. 

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