Fictional Sports Toys, Equipment and More We Would Kill for
Sometimes we wish we could just cross over to the realm of movies like in Last Action Hero, getting to sample some of the greatest toys in all of fiction.
Sadly, all we have is the Internet, which will have to do.
Here is a brief breakdown of some of our favorite fictional sports toys and equipment. As you will soon see, the rules on these terms are a tad loose.
We accept any fanciful sports toys or sports equipment in movies, and we also allowed cool items that just so happened to be in a sports movie: sweet robot from Rocky IV, you will be remembered here.
Unfortunately, that still negates using a functional power glove from The Wizard, which, from experience, is as fictional as they come.
Of course, this is just the beginning, because the land of film, television and cartoons is filled with awesome items we wish were real, and we wish we owned.
Please offer up your own in the comments section below. Or you can just sit back and remember some of the most beloved fictional characters really do have it all.
According to fake science, there is only one downside to having a hoverboard, and that is the inability to use it on water.
Then again, you could always just plunk down some serious fake cash on the fictional Pit Bull version and use mini jets to power your hoverboard across the pond, taking you and your closest thug friends along for a ride.
We give you the Michael Jordan of fictional gadgets: the hoverboard.
Recently, Funny or Die went out of their way to remind us that we still don't have this nifty flying skateboard quite yet.
Oh sure, we have the Internet, iPhones and bacon alarm clocks, but we need hoverboards, and we need them now.
Sandlot Tree House
The Sandlot was chockablock filled with things we wanted, including but not limited to shoes that made you run faster and a baseball field for just your friends.
Really, we could have had a couple more entries on those items alone, but we always had a soft spot for the tree house in the movie.
This is the place where crazy schemes were hatched, Yeah-Yeah was lowered over the fence with an elaborate device, and, of course, it's where mass quantities of s'mores were consumed.
Also, it has a very TARDIS feel to it in that the inside is far bigger than it should be.
Space Jam Basketball
The basketball that somehow houses the ability of NBA superstars (and Shawn Bradley) is up there with movie items we would very much like to have.
Now, we don't need to become actual Monstars but will settle for the ability to dunk on an official rim. If only once.
Yes, we are going to go ahead and call the Minnesota Twins something that we would actually like to have—at least the version depicted in 1994's Little Big League.
In the movie, Billy Heywood's grandfather dies and leaves the franchise to his grandson, which is essentially a gift that ranks just a wee bit higher than socks at Christmas.
All I ever got from my grandparents was a receding hairline, propensity to overeat and genetics that state I will have difficulty finding my car keys in a couple of decades.
As you can see, the Twins would be a fine alternative. You could fire the manager, hire yourself and have the entire squad sit around doing your homework.
Rocky IV Robot
If you have a hankering for montages, Cold War storylines and boxing, you have everything you ever wanted in Rocky IV.
Because this movie didn't pack enough awesome, the producers decided at some point that they needed a robot cameo, because the cool demeanor of Drago and Ludmilla was apparently not enough.
Forget the fact that the closest thing we had to working robots at the time was Nintendo's R.O.B. Producers were going to convince you that the boxing elite hobnob with robots during birthday parties.
Now, the only people in the universe to own their own robots are Paulie and Screech from Saved by the Bell. Somehow, that's very comforting.
Happy Gilmore's Putter
Take a jaunt around the Internet using the Google machine and you can happen upon a Happy Gilmore putter of your own, but I want the one that comes complete with the skill needed to one-putt around an absurd obstacle for the tournament win.
The ability to tee off for 500 yards would be nice, too. You know, if money or realism were no object.
There is nothing funnier in the history of the universe than Worf outside of his comfort zone. However, this small—albeit horrible—example from a Deep Space Nine episode serves to make an obvious point.
The holodeck would be the greatest sports toy ever invented.
Yes, I know that it would be the greatest item ever invented, but the possibilities are endless for sports fans. You could try your skill against Sandy Koufax—in case you wanted a firsthand account of how horribly one can fail.
You could play a pivotal role in the Super Bowl with Madden-like attributes, giving you a Tecmo Bowl-Bo Jackson ability to light up the field.
As long as we are hoping for hoverboards, we might as well throw the holodeck onto the list of things that would bring us unending happiness.
Everything Pro Stars
Fans flip for every generation of Jordans and lost their minds when Reebok brought out Pump technology. Well, we would imagine shoes that give you the ability to fly or to skate at amazing speeds would be fairly popular as well.
Also, we love how Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan need powered shoes, but Bo Jackson just picks up a tree and swings it without the aid of gadgetry.
Like real life.
If you stop cringing long enough, there were some decent aspects to Episodes I through III.
OK, there was only one, and that's the podracing scene, which garnered a pretty entertaining video game along the way.
Seeing as how we had so much fun tearing through the virtual course, we can't help but think the real thing would be that much better.
Even a world featuring Sebulba and Jar Jar Binks wouldn't keep you down as you ride low in your podracer droptop with your shades on.
Just don't mention how many midi-chlorians you have, because midi-chlorians are stupid.
Waterboy Glacier Ice
OK, we wouldn't exactly kill to own this. However, Bobby Boucher makes this vial of glacier water sound just so darn swell we can't help but want to hold it just once.
Vicki Vallencourt gets everything.
Back to the Future Sports Almanac
For such a mediocre movie in an altogether awesome trilogy, Back to the Future II was filled with fantastic items. Second on our list has to be Grays Sports Almanac, a book that managed to make Biff Tannen successful.
We would also like to find out when we can actually put some money on the Cubbies, which we are guessing is the same decade we get functional hoverboards.
The above video was created by filmmaker Freddie Wong, but it gives you a great idea of what we are talking about here.
NASCAR would enjoy a tremendous rise in popularity if we could introduce the random anarchy found in a blue shell or the hilarity of seeing a superstar slip on a banana peel.
Actually, forget NASCAR, because if we could have actual Mario Karts, it would instantly surpass the NFL as the most popular sport in the country, with fantasy sports revolving around whether to draft Toad or Yoshi in your league.
It would be a glorious world.
Thanks to a made-up sport in a fictional world of wizardry, we get to remind you here that flight would be cool—even flight that comes as a result of sticking a cleaning device between your legs.
As NSFW as that sounds, the results are actually quite excellent. You get to soar about the Quidditch pitch, even escaping death by dragon if the plot calls for it.
Yes, I understand that there are already real Quidditch leagues out there. Unless the coolest aspects of the sport are being greatly underreported, there is no flying.
Almost Human's Stay-at-Home Golf
Right off the bat, let me plead with those reading to watch Fox's Almost Human, because it's the sci-fi cop show that we both need and deserve.
With that out of the way, we would like you to also imagine a world when the Nintendo Wii was ancient technology.
In the episode "Beholder," a character winds down a hard day by playing some golf, but he does so from the comfort of his house.
Try as I might, I couldn't track down any video, but thankfully I found this wonderful GIF bumping around the blog, "Random Musings from the KristenHead."
I think you will agree that we need this technology now, not 10 years from now, but now.
Jetsons-Style Golf Cart
For a handsome sum, golfers can ride around the links in their very own Bubba Watson-styled hovercraft, which is far less awesome than flying around the course.
I remembered that a flying golf cart existed somewhere in the relatively brief history of the Jetsons. Thanks to Smithsonian.com's Matt Novak, we get to really imagine the entire sport in the clouds, including Mr. Spacely's amazing flying golf cart.
As Novak writes, this particular episode featured plenty of high-tech gadgets for the casual golfer of the future: "Their futuristic golf game game features flying golf carts, expandable club heads, hovering greens and robotic tees."
If you are keeping up, scientists, we the people of this fine planet really enjoy it when we are hovering, so get on it.
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