Well, Raul Ibanez isn’t on performance enhancing drugs—he is a performance enhancing drug.
What does it take to do that?
Defense. And Raul was a large part of that. He leads the team in outfield assists with six, driving the total for the three starting fielders to 10. He applies effort and hustle to every putout, slide, or dive, and is one of the men responsible for that MLB leading fielding percentage.
And in the sprawling greenery of Citi Field, Ibanez completed the outfield trinity with Shane Victorino and Jayson Werth like a great set of Goodrich tires—we get a lot of mileage out of them. And if you buy three, you get the fourth free.
I’m sorry, that’s at Pep Boys. My mistake.
But you need more than just fancy footwork to beat a team that’s always vying for you.
What else does it take?
Offense. And Raul was a large part of that. He leads the team in runs, hits, home runs, RBI, total bases, slugging percentage, and batting average.
But last night he was a miserable 0 for 4, and had ended three innings with an out until he faced Mets’ veteran, Takahashi, in the 10th. With two men on, two outs, and the Phils 0 for 7 with runners in scoring position, he took a stand and cried, “No more!”
I’m sorry, I’m just alleging he said that. I don’t have anything to back that up. But do you think that would get me on ESPN?
Probably not. I root for the National League.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, Raul. Then on a 1-1 count, he slammed a changeup 400 feet over the centerfield wall to clear the bases with a three-run dinger. That earned him the WB Mason “Delivery of the Game,” the Chevrolet “Player of the Game,” and a huge spread in my Phillies “Playmate of the Game” calendar.
Afterwards, Mitch Williams admitted that he had alleged that the initial acquisition of Raul Ibanez was a bad management decision. Then he apologized.
Is that a confession?!
Is that a confession of an allegation?!
How come Mitch doesn’t get on ESPN?
That’s right, he played for the National League.
I heard Wall Street calculated how much Raul would have to cough up if he actually tested positive for PEDs, and had to hold true to his pledge to give back everything he’d earned in the MLB.
Well, the article didn’t allege that, but I’ll bet the derivatives market has odds set on the outcome of his test. And I’ll bet Pete Rose has a lot riding on it.
Wait. Did I just allege that Pete Rose has allegedly bet on the Raul Ibanez PED allegation?
That’s awesome! Will that get me on ESPN?
Probably not. Pete Rose got kicked out of the National League.
Anyway, let’s hear it for Jamie Moyer. He faced a team that dreams of his little league fastball and held them to three earned runs while throwing almost 67% of his pitches for strikes.
That’s due in part to an umpire who was giving away the corners. Actually I’m going to start calling Moyer, “Jamie Corner.” I’ll pretend he’s that “Little Jack” sitting in a corner eating a Christmas Pie doing something creative with his thumb. Then I’ll play Little Miss Muffet and eat my curds and get way horny…
I’m so sorry, was I thinking out loud?
Wait a minute. Was I just alleging that Jamie Moyer makes me horny? Is that a performance enhancing drug confession?
Finally, I’ve found some way to end this entire performance enhancing mess by tying this Ibanez allegation disaster together with sex.
Whew, I’m tired and I need a cigarette.
And I don’t even smoke.
See you at the ballpark.
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