Comparing Athletes to Girl Scout Cookies
Yes, this is happening.
Girl Scout Cookie season is here, and I'm comparing athletes to the most delicious morsels of baked goodness in the world for no reason other than that it needs to be done. It must be done.
We're doing this for sports, science and all the scouts out there hustling grocery store parking lots, slinging mad cookie-weight and earning activity pins in the process.
This is the definitive athlete/Girl Scout cookie comparison guide. Take a moment to step away from the pantry and throw your wallet in a fire. You're about to get very, very hungry.
Tim Tebow—Do-Si-Dos (Peanut Butter Sandwiches)
Nothing says "No illegal activities happening here, officer," like a box of Do-Si-Dos.
Crisp and crunchy oatmeal on the outside, satisfying peanut butter on the inside—the Do-Si-Do is one wholesome cookie. Nothing fancy, but it gets the job done.
Most people question if the Do-Si-Do can deliver, however.
"Sure," they say, "it was good for those little 4 p.m. hunger pangs in middle school, but what about now? What about late night? What happens when me and my buddies come home toasted on Singapore Slings at 3 a.m. and we're craving sweet treats. Can it handle that? Will Do-Si-Do hit the spot when it matters most?"
Lane Kiffin—Shortbread (TreFoil)
How Shortbread cookies remain in demand is a miracle against nature and business.
These crumbly, sadness wafers are no one's first choice. Shortbread Kiffins have proven themselves to be bad, but every year people shell out money just to watch them fall apart before their very eyes.
And to those people I ask: You know there are actual cookies out there, right?
Sure, Shortbread Kiffin might be a serviceable side cookie, but it doesn't have the flavor to anchor a serious snack tray. There are other baked goods out there filled with chocolate and caramel and personality, people.
You don't have to do this to yourself.
Nick Young—Chocolate Chip Shortbreads
Approximately one third of every bite is amazing.
Like Lakers guard Nick Young, Chocolate Chip Shortbreads have a lot of disappointing filler. But amidst these bland, regrettable stretches are bits of magic. Every Nick Young three-point celebration is an explosion of "Yes, this feeling forever," goodness.
You hate that the chocolate chip moments don't last longer, but you ultimately forgive Swaggy P and wait patiently for his next instance of idiot savant brilliance.
Hairy, different and consistently amazing.
You had questions when someone first slid a Samoa your way. "What is this? Is it alive? Are these Wookie treats?" Then you tried the Samoa and immediately kissed away $50 every Spring for the rest of your natural life.
Sure, they look like a Nerf foam ring that flew under a futon circa the Willenium album—but it's performance that counts.
Caramel and coconut shavings? You're damn right it's good. Don't judge a cookie by its covering. And yes, Polamalu being Samoan is the cherry on top of this equation.
Alexander Ovechkin—Savannah Smiles
You have to be a little weird to enjoy Savannah Smiles.
Then again, you have to be a little weird not to enjoy Alexander Ovechkin's smile.
Also, if the juxtaposition of this image doesn't make you giggle just a little bit, you are dead inside.
You are awful and a disservice to cookies in general, Lemonades.
Stop trying to seem innocent and inviting, we all know what's underneath that stenciled crust of yours—a tart and repellant filling. That said, it's not like I want bad things to happen to you, Lemonade cookies.
Maybe if you left the baked goods game for a while, patched things up with chocolate and came back with a new, diverse filling inside we could come to terms. Maybe.
Coco Crisp—Cranberry Citrus Crisp
It's too easy.
There isn't one monolithic reason to compare Coco Crisp and Cranberry Citrus Crisp, other than the fact they're perfect together.
Johnny Manziel—Tagalongs (Peanut Butter Patties)
"Alright, I'll give it a try."
This is how the Tagalong starts. You don't know what to expect, but you're interested. You take one bite and the next thing you know you're outside Kroger throwing twenties at little girls in green sashes and shoveling red boxes into your car.
The receptors in our brain that cry for Tagalong are the same ones that caused a million bros to run out and purchase Texas A&M flat brims in 2013. Johnny Manziel is our Tagalong—an oddball curiosity football fans tried once, got hooked on and now shamelessly tag along for the ride.
Both speak multiple languages, but always sound vaguely sarcastic.
Just when you think the Thanks-A-Lot cookie doesn't have anything more to offer—BAM—it hits you with the an unexpected, awesome layer of chocolate goodness.
Also, purchases of the Thanks-A-Lot cookies help fund marketing and business education for the Girl Scouts. Case closed.
Cristiano Ronaldo—Dulce De Leches
Smooth? Exotic? A Portuguese derivative? Yes, please.
I don't understand your language, Dulce de Leche, but I like what you bring to the table. That goes for you too, Ronaldo.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix—Thank You Berry Munch
If you've tried the Thank You Berry Munch cookies, you're more adventurous than I.
I can't attest to the quality of this white fudge and cranberry cookie, but will say that whoever named it should receive a medal.
The same goes for the parents of former Alabama safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix.
So while their son may or may not prove to be an elite NFL talent, no one can argue he's a once-in-a-generation player as far as awesome nicknames names go.
Alex Morgan—Thin Mints
Everyone loves Thin Mints. This is a fact.
Not liking Thin Mints is both wrong and dangerous to the social fabric. You'd be safer telling people you enjoy mailing powders to senators than admitting you don't like the refreshing crunch of Thin Mints between your teeth.
I'd be surprised if the NSA didn't keep a list of people who don't like Thin Mints.
Fittingly enough, all of the aforementioned criteria applies to Alex Morgan. She is America's sweetheart, soccer's darling and those who fail to harbor a deep and abiding love for the very idea of her are one wrong opinion away from open insurgency.
That said, I'm off to spend half my paycheck on chocolatey, baked sugar. Happy freaking Girl Scout cookie season, everyone.
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