2014 Sochi Winter Olympic Doppelgangers
It's that time again.
The Winter Olympics are here, and Sochi, Russia is the place where all the strange, glorious action is going down. Olympic hotels are falling apart, the drinking water is yellow and Bob Costas may never fully recover from his titanic battle with pink eye.
Instead of focusing on the regrettable side stories, however, we're going to have some fun. The following are a number of Winter Olympians and their lookalikes.
Some are closer than others, but by the time we're done here, I guarantee this—you'll never look at Vladimir Putin the same.
Roberto Luongo—John Turturro
Never underestimate Roberto Luongo's sneakiness.
The 34-year-old Canadian goalkeeper has reflexes that make him appear to be everywhere at once, and when he isn't playing for the Vancouver Canucks, he moonlights as a Manhattan butler with a penchant for surprising people.*
Elena Ilinykh—Mila Kunis
Channeling her inner Black Swan helped Elena Ilinykh reach a spot on the podium earlier this week in Sochi.
The Russian ice dancer and her partner Nikita Katsalapov might've only won bronze in competition, but their ensemble inspired by the 2010 film took home the gold in fashion.
If they ever do Black Swan On Ice, we know the first person trying out for Mila Kunis' character "Lily."
Anastasiya Kuzmina—Claire Danes
Alright, this is just creepy.
Slovakian biathlete Anastasiya Kuzmina and American actress Claire Danes may be the same person.
The two women share a striking number of facial similarities and coincidentally both carry a gun while working. That said, Kuzmina used her gun to win gold in Sochi, while Danes' character on Homeland can't be trusted to safely maneuver a spork.
P.K. Subban—Jay Pharoah
Personality-wise, P.K. Subban is no Jay Pharaoh.
The Canadian hockey defenseman is more interested in destroying people than making them laugh. That said, there's enough similarity between him and the SNL funnyman to suggest Subban might be withholding a serviceable Jay Z impression.
Julia Mancuso—Ellen Pompeo
Get off the ski lift, Dr. Grey. We have lives to save.
Oh, nevermind—that's not Dr. Meredith Grey (played by actress Ellen Pompeo). It's Julia Mancuso, the American Alpine ski racer/human bullet.
Mancuso didn't pick up gold at Sochi, but it hardly matters. She's a decorated alpine champion with a potential future in stunt work on Grey's Anatomy—where sexy meets...doctor-y?
Look on the bright side, President Putin—everyone loves Dobby the house elf.
This is probably because Dobby doesn't care what people do with their wands. He's an open-minded elf.
Tatiana Volosozhar—Angela Kinsey
I'd say Tatiana Volosozhar could do stunt work for American actress Angela Kinsey, but the Russian figure skater smiles way too often to be believable.
You can't even body double for a perpetually uptight accountant when there's a grin permanently plastered on your face.
Ilya Kovalchuk—Stephen Graham
Add a beard and mustache, and you'll see the comparison here.
Ilya Kovalchuk is the Russian edition of Stephen Graham, a.k.a "Al Capone" from HBO's Boardwalk Empire. Like his gangster doppelganger, the SKA Saint Petersburg winger beats people with a stick, but in a more legal and tactful manner.
Lolo Jones—Rashida Jones
No, they aren't related.
It doesn't seem possible, but U.S. bobsledder Lolo Jones and actress Rashida Jones are not the same person—they're not even cousins.
How is this possible? I have no idea, but the most plausible explanation is...[whispers] cloning.
Sage Kotsenburg—Harry Dunne
"I'll tell you where we'll have the Winter Olympics! Someplace warm, where the vodka flows like wine. Where whiny journalists flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Sochi."
"I don't know, man. The French are jerks."
U.S. snowboarder Sage Kotsenburg won gold in the first slopestyle event in Winter Olympics history. Even more incredible, he has never gotten his tongue stuck to a ski lift.
Jarryd Hughes—Haley Joel Osment
I must give a tip of the cap to Jimmy Fallon for this doppelganger.
While promoting his upcoming takeover of The Tonight Show, Fallon recently rattled off a list of Winter Olympics superlatives. Among those recognized was Australian snowboard cross champ Jarryd Hughes, who received "Most Likely To See Dead People."
My only response was beginning a slow clap in my living room.
Aleksander Barkov—Alan Ritchson
"This stick is from Finland, son. You ever been to Finland? You ever been in the [bleep]?"
They're not identical, but Finland's Aleksander Barkov looks a lot like the hockey version of Thad Castle from Blue Mountain State, played by American actor Alan Ritchson.
Just look at that mug. You know he knows he's the man.
Silje Norendal—Kate Upton
"Is she real?"
Yes, Silje Norendal is very real and very good at shredding snow. Social-media users have commented that the Norwegian snowboarder looks like a living Barbie, but I see Kate Upton-esque features in her face.
This begs the question: How long until Sports Illustrated phones her with a swimsuit edition offer? Today or tomorrow?
Anze Kopitar—Aaron Rodgers
Somehow, some way, I will prove that the mustaches and baggy eyes shared by Aaron Rodgers and Slovenian hockey center Anze Kopitar came from the same European bloodline. Prepare yourself, Ancestry.com.
Phil Kessel—John Bradley-West
If Phil Kessel's nights were darker and full of cheeseburgers, he'd be a shoo-in for John Bradley-West on HBO's Game of Thrones.
Fortunately, the U.S. hockey team's goal-scoring monster is more interested in putting the puck in the net than worrying about dinner. He also isn't a coward.
Ryan Kesler—Andy Samberg
Imagine if Andy Samberg were no longer on a boat and instead stuck on a desert island hunting monitor lizards to stay alive.
He'd probably look a lot like American hockey center Ryan Kesler, who sometimes looks as though he's forgotten how to smile.
Hit me up with your doppelganger suggestions.