Hater's Guide for the 2014 Canadian Olympic Hockey Team in Sochi

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Hater's Guide for the 2014 Canadian Olympic Hockey Team in Sochi
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In the world of men's ice hockey, Canada is the undisputed super power. The amount of gold in Fort Knox probably doesn't compare to the amount of gold amassed by Canada's hockey players at the Olympics, World Championships and World Junior Championships over the years. So why in the world would you ever root for Canada at the Sochi Olympics if you're not Canadian?

Sure, the nation is flush with kind, warm, wonderful people, but that's something we need to forget now that Olympic hockey has arrived. We need to lend our collective support to the underdogs. So here's one American's passionate, desperate, perhaps somewhat unrealistic guide to hating Team Canada's men's ice hockey team for the next two weeks … or fewer, when they are sent packing early:

Canada. You’ve probably heard a lot about it.

Some say it’s a whimsical country, where the snow and politeness stretch as far as the eye can see. It’s the magical land of Narnia come to life, a fairy tale setting where parents skate with their small children on frozen lakes and ponds and live in harmony with the many caribou that roam the streets of their cities, towns and villages.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

If Narnia were run by a crack-smoking mayor, he’d have been eaten by a talking lion long ago. Canada is a terrible place, filled with insecure, entitled hockey fans, and you should be rooting against Team Canada with every fiber of your non-Canadian being during the 2014 Sochi Olympics.

Scott Olson/Getty Images

If you need directions around town or the address of the nearest canoe dispensary, Canadians are your best friends in the world. “Oh geez and sure, eh? I’d be more than happy to steer you in the right direction if I may be so kind and helpful, eh?”

Mention that it is your opinion that Canada will fall short of a medal at the Olympics, and the true nature of your average Canadian emerges faster than one of their excuses for failure that feature the phrase "per capita."

"What kind of stupid American would pick Canada to not medal? Have you seen our roster? You have to be an idiot to think we won’t win gold! We have (enter name of Canadian forward) on the third line! You’re just looking for attention! You should sign up for a four-month wait at one of our Canadian medical facilities to get your head examined!"

Sure. Whatever you say, Gord. Canada has failed to medal at 50 percent of the Olympics since the NHL started sending players in 1998, but you’re right. The idea that Canada won’t medal—or win gold for that matter—is far-fetched and must be the result of brain trauma or a need for attention that every person in the world covets from mouth-breathing Canadians.

Medal Winners at the Olympics with NHL Players
Year Gold Silver Bronze
1998 Czech Republic Russia Finland
2002 Canada United States Russia
2006 Sweden Finland Czech Repubilc
2010 Canada United States Slovakia

IOC

Therein lies the heart of the problem with Canadian hockey fans—a sense of entitlement when it comes to the sport of hockey that is as strong as it is sad.

Canadians love referring to hockey as “Our Game.”

There’s nothing more nauseating in any sport in the world. Americans invented a lot of things, but you don’t see us constantly bragging about them at international events. Americans are more than happy to share our genius with the world, unlike Canadians, who want to remind you at every turn it’s their game despite hockey truly becoming a global game over the past 30 years.

Jonathan Kozub/Getty Images

They invented it, and you should never forget it.

The “Our Game” shtick is so bad that someone used it as the title of a movie about Canadian hockey, which I’m positive was terrible.

Imagine knowing people from Edison, N.J., and every time you were out with them, they’d point to street lights and say, “those are our light bulbs.”

Get over it, Canada.

And really, there are plenty of reasons to root against Canada that have nothing to do with the insufferable people watching the game. The roster is filled with villains who deserve your scorn.

A very underreported story in the days leading to the Olympics was the assassination attempt by Team Canada defenseman Shea Weber on the life of Team USA general manager David Poile.

Weber says he was firing pucks at his bench during a practice and one went over the boards and into the tunnel, where it struck Poile in the face. He had to spend a night in a hospital, and as of Tuesday was not able to join the heroes in red, white and blue at Sochi.

Are we to really believe this was a freak accident, or the precision shooting by a Canadian hitman? I guess it’s his word against mine, a proud and honest American. 

Canadian third-string goaltender Mike Smith embodies his country’s spirit as a faker and diver who will cheat in order to help his team win. It would make a lot of sense for coach Mike Babcock to dress Smith as the backup and have him fall over the bench and on to the ice during play a few times per game so he can flop around while holding his groin in an effort draw a penalty.

How did Chris Kunitz make this team? Probably because his BFF Sidney Crosby fought to get him on the roster in place of someone who is infinitely more talented, like Taylor Hall, or this stickman I just built out of two brooms and a tin bucket. While members of other teams had to earn their way onto rosters, Kunitz benefited from cronyism and that should not be tolerated. 

Team Canada is also the favorite to win gold with every sports book in the universe. Are you going to throw your support behind the allegedly unbeatable bullies of the hockey world? That’s like pulling for Darth Vader in Star Wars or Colonel Hans Landa in Inglorious Basterds, only worse. 

Speaking of Colonel Hans Landa, have you seen Canada’s Olympic uniforms? Hmmmm. That’s sure interesting. I’d be wary of anyone walking the streets of Europe or Russia in one of those. I guess you can say when it comes to talent, Canada is a goose-step ahead of everyone.

Recent IIHF World Championships Medal Winners
Year Gold Silver Bronze
2008 Russia Canada Finland
2009 Russia Canada Sweden
2010 Czech Republic Russia Sweden
2011 Finland Sweden Czech Republic
2012 Russia Slovakia Czech Republic
2013 Sweden Switzerland United States

IIHF

Team Canada is loaded to be sure. That can't be denied. What we can deny is the narrative every four years that Canada could bring a ‘B’ team to the Olympics and it could win gold.

For a moment, we should ignore the fact that Canada has brought an ‘A’ team to the Olympics four times that failed to medal twice. Let’s look at the World Championships, a tournament where Canada has to bring a ‘B’ team because it takes place during the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Let’s see. How did Canada and its mighty ‘B’ team do against the ‘B’ teams of other countries. No medal last year…no medal in 2012…no medal in 2011…oh look, Canada has won zero medals at the Worlds the past four years. As a matter of fact, Canada hasn’t won gold at the Worlds since 2007.

Will you be rooting against Canada's hockey team during the Sochi Olympics?

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The same futility has been on display at the World Junior Championships, a tournament Canada once dominated but hasn’t won since 2009. Canada hasn’t even won a medal the past two years, but it never stops the people from squawking about its greatness in the game they invented.

Considering Canada lives in a time bubble where it’s perpetually 1997, it’s no surprise everyone in that country is living in the past.

Have I mentioned that everyone on Team Canada is Canadian? If that’s not enough to sway you to root against them, I don’t know what is.

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