Browns 2009: Taking a Look Inside My Crystal Ball

While going through some boxes, I came across the family’s crystal ball. It’s an old heirloom and I thought I’d gaze into its depths to see what awaits the Cleveland Browns.

After polishing the ball up, the mists inside it cleared up, showing me the 2009 season!

I grabbed my trusty notebook and began transcribing what I saw:

Week One

After sending the fanbase into a frustrated frenzy over who is going to be the starter for 2009, including giving more reps to Derek Anderson than Brady Quinn in the final preseason game, Anderson is traded on Wednesday to the San Francisco 49ers for their 2010 second round draft pick and 10 lbs. of fish.

Admittedly the 10 lbs. of fish seems a bit strange, but it is not for me to question the revelations of the crystal ball.

Anyway, with the quarterback position decided, the Browns take the field against the Minnesota Vikings Sept. 13. In a close game, Quinn leads the Browns back from a 27-10 deficit at the beginning of the fourth quarter to win 31-27 with a touchdown to Syndric Steptoe with three seconds left.

Head Coach Eric Mangini is hailed as a hero for rallying the troops to a victory through his strange arm motions and frequent outbursts in a foreign language.

Week Two

The media and fanbase are energized by the miracle comeback. The “Mangenius” moniker comes back into use and starved Cleveland fans already are talking about the possibility of making the playoffs.

But Denver, who always has been there to crush the dreams of Browns fans, pounds an overconfident team into the ground. Browns lose 35-3.

Braylon Edwards is removed from the field during the second quarter after injuring his ego on a third and long with 2:15 left in the half and allowing an interception by a fan who won a contest to be a Broncos receiver for one quarter.  Edwards is listed as day-to-day.

Week Three

Mangini executes offensive coordinator Brian Daboll for the debacle in Denver, strangely enough by making him “walk the plank.”  No further details are offered.

Cleveland then faces their first divisional game with the Rat Birds from Baltimore. Mangini promises “a hard game,” and Cleveland fans remain unimpressed after last week’s beat down.

What follows is a vicious battle of attrition with half the Brown’s offensive line going off the field with injuries while Baltimore is down to their emergency quarterback after Joe Flacco has to leave the game with a strained pinky finger and backup quarterback Troy Smith spontaneously combusts when the Browns actually apply pressure for more than two straight plays.

In the end, the Browns pull out a narrow victory, 21-20, and limp home to heal.

Week Four

Mangini, under pressure to explain Smith’s on-field death amid rumors of “illegal use of voodoo magic,” refuses to answer questions and begins wearing gray hoodies.  Bill Belichek sues Mangini for trademark infringement.  The media labels the whole mess “Hoodie-gate.”

The following game versus the Bengals is forfeited by Cincinnati after it is determined Paul Brown stadium no longer can contain Chad Ochocinco’s ego.  The National Guard is called in to control the situation.

“A win’s a win,” comments Mangini after the game, now dressing in black robes and carrying a large staff to put an end to the whole “Hoodie-gate” controversy.

Week Five

Buffalo head coach Dick Jauron takes no chances versus the Browns and arranges for an early blizzard to blanket the area. Undaunted, the Browns arrange to have their practices that week take place in Alaska.

Jamal Lewis has a career game, racking up 300 yards, but the defense fails to show up for the game, and the Browns lose a high scoring affair, 56-42.

After the game, the NFL orders Mangini to restore normal weather patterns to the Buffalo area after the temperatures soared from 25 degrees at gametime to 78 by halftime.

Week Six

The first meeting with the hated Pittsburgh Steelers receives national headlines when Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin announces he’s just returned from the Underworld after tricking Charon and stealing his boat to cross the River Styx.

Tomlin refuses to explain what his heroic quest will mean for the game on Sunday, but many Steeler fans drink too much Iron City Beer and pass out in their friends’ basements. That day is soon known as “The Great Hangover.”

The game itself is a titanic clash of warriors, with Tomlin donning blood-red robes and flinging vials of water taken from the River Styx at opposing players in order to make them forget the gameplan.

Mangini counters by replacing his defense with zombies, who munch on the brains of the Steelers offensive line. A few stray into the stands to attack Steeler fans, but quickly give up once they realize Pittsburgh fans do not possess brains.

By the fourth quarter, Mangini has begun shooting fire from his staff at the Pittsburgh secondary while Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger sprouts wings and flies 30 feet into the air to avoid the pass rush.

Mangini insists this is cheating, but the refs allow it after Josh Cribbs burrows beneath the field of play and scores the league’s first subterranean touchdown.

Tomlin attempts to stop Cleveland from kicking a game-winning field goal by “icing the kicker,” but the sheet of ice he conjures out of thin air misses its target and lands in the upper deck of Heinz field, injuring hundreds who are too drunk to notice until later.

In the end, Cleveland wins the game, 13-10, but are forced to put Quinn on the 30-day disabled list after it was revealed Troy Polamalu actually is a werewolf and infects Quinn during the third quarter.

The rest of the season is a mystery to me. The crystal ball would not read any further into the future, although it did hint the league would outlaw sorcery on the sidelines shortly before Thanksgiving after Belichek beats Miami with a team of four-armed players.