2008 NFL Draft: Superlatives

After listening to Todd McShay and Mel Kiper, Jr. talk day after day, about the same people going to the same teams, I started to remember they're never right after the first two picks.

Then, I had to endure a half-hour session of Trey Wingo, on NFL Live, who apparently thinks he's the heir apparent to Mel Kiper, because he certainly acts like it.

Then, the wheels really started turning. 

Instead of grading the teams AFTER the draft, why not give out a few pre-draft awards.

Taking it high school, a la senior superlatives. 

Take a look. 

Class Flirt: Arizona Cardinals. 

Does it, or does it not seem like every offseason, prognosticators are predicting the Cardinals to be a team that wins the NFC West? And does it not seem like every year they finish around .500 or worse?  Those are the same Cardinals, right?

Most Shy: Seattle Seahawks. 

 Staying with the NFC West theme, isn't it these guys every year people think will be knocked off by Arizona.  Coming off a Super Bowl appearance several years ago, this is a team that has quietly dominated their division for the better part of this decade.

Most Likely To Succeed:  New England Patriots. 

 What other team could be mere seconds away from the first perfect season, lose the Super Bowl, and then manage to turn around and have a top-10 pick in the next year's draft?  Hey, at least they don't have both of their first round picks.  (I will spare everyone another spygate joke)

Most Likely NOT To Succeed: Atlanta Falcons. 

If you even thought of anyone but the Atlanta Falcons (with maybe the exception of the Oakland Raiders) you should be highly disappointed in yourself.  Remember before their quarterback was a convicted felon, they had a great running game, a solid defense, and even stunned the world by winning a playoff game in Lambeau Field?  Now, coaches leave in the middle of the night, and their players would rather play in OAKLAND! Sad....

Most Laughable:  Oakland Raiders. 

If that wasn't a perfect transition. It's almost like I knew what was going to be written.  I just hope for once, Al Davis doesn't do what I do in Madden when I do my fantasy draft.  Hit the 'Y' button, sort by speed, and draft the fastest player I can possibly get.  How's that worked out by the way? I bet you Fabian Washington couldn't cover me. Ok, he'd embarass me.  But he certainly can't cover anyone in the NFL. 

Most Likely to Sleep Through the Draft:  Minnesota Vikings. 

 Thank God, they traded their first round pick to Kansas City.  If they failed to make another first round pick, because they hit the snooze button on the alarm clock one more time, I'd probably boycott football.  Don't they know they do wake-up calls in their hotels? Well, at least this year they can sleep in.  Hell, I don't even like Minnesota, but I'll call and wake them up just to save all us the embarassment.  At least the draft starts at 3 PM this year. 

Most Likely NOT to Draft a WR:  Push: Detroit Lions/ Tennessee Titans. 

 Don't even get me started on Detroit. I'll let them slide with Calvin Johnson.  I'd bitchslap everyone in the front office if they didn't take him last year.  Mike Williams, Charles Rogers?  Solid evals, guys.  At least they did something to make everyone forget about Barry Sanders.  And Tennessee...I swear they must want to make it as hard on Vince Young as possible.  Let's bring in a franchise quarterback and surround him with guys who can't catch shit.  Wait....I think my phone is ringing.  "Hey, Coach Fish."  "What's that? VY wants me on the team?  Sorry, I have plans this summer, and they include making fun of your team."  Plus I think my 6 catches in Pop Warner might make me over-qualified. 

Most Likely to Piss Me Off Numerous Times During the Draft:  Push: Chris Berman, Mel Kiper, Jr., Chris Mortensen, Emmitt Smith. 

The first time Boomer says "my favorite Martin" in reference to Curtis Martin I'm gonna scream.  And you know he will if they draft a RB (McFadden).  Mel Kiper, Jr. won't have to do anything in particular, he'll piss me off just by being there.  Chris Mortensen will have "breaking news", but in reality it'll be something I read on ESPN the night before.  And Emmitt Smith, I swear the man needs to take a speech class.  The poor guy has a horrible stuttering problem. I just take solace in the fact that Stuart Scott isn't a part of the draft-day crew.  Oh God, he's not, is he? Shit...

After all that, I came to the conclusion that I might just watch the draft on NFL Network.  They have someone funny, who doesn't pretend to know everything about the draft (Rich Eisen), a former running back who doesn't have a speech impediment (Marshall Faulk), and no MEL KIPER, JR! That might be reason enough.