After the Phillies-Padres Sweep, California To Pass New Legislation (Satire)

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After the Phillies-Padres Sweep, California To Pass New Legislation (Satire)
(Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

Those silly Californians will vote on anything.  And after the Phils capped a three-game series sweep, the richest state in the nation initiated legislation to ensure they’re the winningest.  They’ve started "Proposition Raul."  And unlike other legislation, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has promised to terminate the pesky left fielder.

 

I can see it now.  Dodger fans will show up donning t-shirts with a portrait of the MLB RBI leader outlined in a thick red circle with a line through it.  The caption will read:

 

"Vote Yes on Prop R: No more RBI for RI"

 

or...

 

"Take away his RBIs and what do you get?  -aul --anez"

 

maybe even...

 

"Without his RBI, -aul --anez is just a shell of a man"

 

Actually, I’m afraid for his life.  Really. I think he should hide out somewhere until this animosity blows over.  It just so happens, I know of a safe place.  My house.  It’s secluded and it’s owned by a completely unknown writer, so there’s no danger of drawing attention. 

 

Door’s always open.

 

Now for the tragic news: Shane Victorino left the game with a hip strain. 

 

Ahhhhhh!

 

Don’t panic. Okay, maybe you’re not, but baseball babes across the world are.  Okay, maybe not across the world.

 

But I think I can be of assistance.  It just so happens, I’m a hip specialist.  And I’d be happy to help with that area for free. 

 

Door’s always open.

 

Besides I think the lineup would appreciate what I’ve done with the place.  During the last home game, I saw a vender selling big laminated pictures of the 2008 World Champs wearing black tuxes.  At the very sight of them, I thought what any real baseball babe would think—placemats!

 

I purchased six and arranged them around my dining room table with such precision and care, you’d think I was crazy.

 

Okay, we won’t go there. My husband saw me sitting among them reading my Inquirer sports page and sipping coffee from my Phillies travel mug and said, “It’s official. You’re a Phillies redneck.”

 

My first reaction was to be insulted but then he pointed out my penchant for intermingling Phillies garb with even the most formal of attire. So I pondered for a moment and said, “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

 

And you know what? The Phils are rednecks, too.  They have homegrown pitching talent right here in their own backyard and they still don’t know it.  I guess the grass is always greener...Hell, every player who’s been brought up off the farm this year has won. 

 

That includes J.A. Happ.  He’s now 4-0 and he pitched seven scoreless innings last night.  Phillies management just has to face the bare facts—there’s no place like home.  And there’s no place to see Phil’s pitchers bare than at home—my home.

 

Door’s always open.

 

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