Having found a crystal ball stuck underneath my sofa, I can proudly reveal to the world the events of the first half of the new Premier League season. Damn thing's on the fritz, though, so I'll have to get back to you with part two.
JUNE: Tom Hicks immediately fires Rafael Benitez and set about moulding the club in his image. The Liverpool Red Sox have their home games switched to the KFC Colosseum and are now sponsored by GoalZone, Scorebag and the Dollar Store.
JULY: Sir Alex Ferguson beams proudly in a press conference as he unveils his latest big-money signings, the entire Sporting Lisbon youth academy. Having paid top-dollar to have the facility airlifted to Lancashire, he spends the rest of the conference running around trying to keep up with the things.
Keegan's new-look Newcastle side are sporting four new strikers, three wingers and seven attacking midfielders. When asked about defenders, he declares he has perfected a tactical masterstroke—the 0-6-4 formation with one holding midfielder.
AUGUST: On the last day of the transfer window, a great deal of business is done. Abramovich instructs his new manager to play the attractive football he so desires, and so Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria don the blue shirts in a deal worth £500m.
Meanwhile, Arsene shows off the new Arsenal lineup—including three milkmen from Bulgaria and a pacey under 14 Mongolian yak farmer he is convinced will do the job in a few years time.
Newly promoted Stoke and Bristol announce they are clubbing together in a desperate bid to avoid the drop and Broke City is born. Their only signing is an administrator.
SEPTEMBER: The season begins unexpectedly, with Alba bagging a hat trick in her first match against Middlesbrough. Taking off her shirt to celebrate, the referee quietly drops his pencil and misses the entire incident. Southgate is entirely unfazed and remains expressionless.
OCTOBER: Tottenham captain Ledley King trips over Aaron Lennon's shoulder and is ruled out for the season. Apparently, Lennon was jumping for a high ball and took out King's shins.
West Ham's injury crisis rears its ugly head again, when the entire first team squad is struck down with food poisoning after a team curry. It is so bad, Robert Green falls into a Korma.
NOVEMBER: Broke City are relegated in record time, with their best result being a 1-7 defeat to West Ham's dilapidated team. Having set up roots in mid-table, the Hammers are asked by the FA to move from 10th position. They steadfastly refuse.
That's it for now, I'm off to speak to Mystic Meg and find out how it all winds up.