The 2009 FA Cup Final: Everton vs. Chelsea (Humour)

Kym CharlesContributor INovember 5, 2016

Welcome to the brand new Wembley Stadium for the 2009 edition of the FA Cup.  This one promises to be an interesting affair with two teams trying to grab the last piece of silverware. 

Everton and Chelsea, one team having gone above expectations and one team below. Lets get down to the pitch.

Well it's a bright, bright sun shiny day here in London. Hopefully the heat doesn't affect the play too much. Now it's over to a bunch of black people in white suits (and one white guy trying to fit in) to sing Abide with Me ably led by the Right Reverend Ian Wright.

The players come out to a thunderous reception. 

They line up and are introduced to former Head Banana of the UN, Kofi Annan.  He and his hangers on shake hands with all the players and then retire to a some deck chairs near the sideline. Mr Annan orders a Pina Colada.

The game is ready for the kick off.

1st min - Everton kick off and are on the attack. A cross comes from the left and is not dealt with by Mikel. Louis Saha latches onto the ball and slams it past keeper Cech. It is 1-0 to Everton after 25 seconds.  Kofi Annan coughs up most of his Pina Colada.

4th min - Bosingwa passes back to Cech. Cech only just gets to it. He gives Bosingwa a dirty look.

8th min - Malouda runs onto a long ball down the left but is ankle tapped by Hibbert. Referee Webb races over to produce the first yellow card of the match. Kofi Annan notes this incident down for possible further sanctions from the UN.

10th min - Malouda is starting to terrorise Hibbert who is getting scared. Mr Annan never backed down from terrorists.  He is ashamed of Hibbert.

14th min - Drogba plays a ball back for Essien who scuffs the shot. Drogba tells him to get back to midfield and leave scoring to the professionals.

15th min - Tim Howard has words with defender Joleon Lescott. Lescott tells Howard to stop speaking American and start speaking English. Howard pushes him away in disgust.

16th min - Fellaini almost gets onto a long ball from Pienaar but his hair gets in his eyes and he misses it. Pienaar gives Fellaini the number of the guy who did his braids.

21st min - Lampard plays a wide ball for Malouda who crosses it into the middle of the box. The ball is met by Didier Drogba who heads it home. It's 1-1! Drogba wandered into the box unseen and was able to get a free header. Mr Annan gets another free Pina Colada.

23rd min - Lampard has a lash from outside and just puts it over the crossbar. Howard smiles and says "Relax, I had it covered."

26th min - Essien tries his best Jackie Chan impersonation and takes down Fellaini in a scissor tackle and then claims he got the ball. David Moyes is having an embolism as Referee Webb decides not to produce a card of any colour.  Mr Annan contacts a mediator to sort out Moyes and Webb's differences.

30th min - Malouda continues to give Hibbert nightmares down the left. He cuts inside but has his shot blocked. Hibbert has found out that the Boogeyman really does exist and his name is Florent Malouda.

38th min - Chelsea have owned the ball so much that the FA are considering charging them £49.99 for it.

41st min - Hibbert is robbed by Malouda and Cole. The police are called. They are still investigating some leads but they are hopeful of making an arrest shortly.

43rd min - Drogba is on the ground in pain. It must be because of the cheating UEFA referees. Let's kick referee cheating out of football!

44th min - A Fellaini deflection releases Ashley Cole but he misses his shot. You would think after 44 minutes that Fellaini would have worked out what way they were going.

45th min - After Osman is fouled the free kick is sent to the back post where Petr Cech succeeds in fumbling the ball behind him over the goal line. Maybe that can be the new tactic for Everton. Kick it to Cech and let him fumble it into the goal.

The half time whistle is blown and the score is 1-1. Chelsea have dominated possession whilst Everton has dominated the non-possession stats. A very even contest. Kofi Annan is starting to get a little sleepy and orders a Red Bull with his next Pina Colada.

During the half time interval Tony Hibbert was curled up in a corner of the dressing room in the foetal position. David Moyes decides to replace him with Lars Jacobsen.  Mr Annan has announced a medical aid package for Tony Hibbert.

48th min - Jon Obi Mikel falls over a prostrate Phil Neville who receives a yellow card for his troubles. Referee Webb's brain may not have returned from half time yet.

54th min - Anelka and Drogba try a training ground one-two move. Needs more training.  Mr Annan shakes his head in disgust.

58th min - Saha is getting restless, it's been almost an hour since he last scored. He will be able to go swimming soon. His mother always told him to wait an hour after scoring before going swimming.

60th min - Anelka runs onto a lobbed pass from Lampard and tries to chip the keeper.  Good effort but a close FA Cup final might not be the best place to try circus tricks.

61st min - Cahill and Mikel are trying out for the WWE as the ball rolls out over the goal line.  Cahill must have used a chair as he is DQ'd. Meanwhile Chelsea manager Guus Hiddink makes his first change taking off Essien and bringing on Michael Ballack.

62nd min - A battle for the ball in the air between Terry and Cahill.  The Aussie wins it and lashes a shot at Cech who saves easily. Cahill appears to have hurt his leg.  Somewhere in Sydney, Australia the Socceroos manager Pim Verbeek cries uncontrollably.

63rd min - Mikel receives a yellow card for mouthing off. He then mouths off about getting a yellow card. Frank Lampard tells him to shut up.

67th min - A free kick is played down to Baines who puts in a good cross into the box where Saha heads it over the crossbar. There was four Everton players in the area, three of which are excellent headers of the ball. Unfortunately Saha is not one of them.  Kofi Annan has fallen asleep.

72nd min - Frank Lampard gets the ball in midfield, fakes to go right, trips over a hedgehog in one of the divots, comes back onto his left and unleashes a bullet into the left corner of the goal. Howard's desperate dive comes to nothing as Lampard goes to the corner flag and does a little jig.  2-1 to Chelsea. Kofi Annan is awoken by all the noise.  He looks startled.

77th min - Youngster James Vaughan comes on to replace the tiring Louis Saha.

78th min - Malouda receives the ball in midfield and unleashes a thunderbolt that clatters against the crossbar and deflects straight down. Did it cross the line or not?  The referee and linesman say no.  1966 revisited. Michael Ballack screams about anti-German bias.  Kofi Annan scoffs at him.

82nd min - Cech looks like a Dodo bird trying to take off as he flaps at a cross. Everton make another change with Osman coming off and Dan Gosling coming on.

84th min - Lampard takes a tumble in the penalty area and asks for a penalty. He is denied but as a consolation prize receives a yellow card for diving.

87th min - Chelsea players are going down a bit now. They aren't playing for time are they?  Surely not.

90th min - Tim Cahill having recovered mostly from his knock fires a shot at goal which had Cech's heart in his mouth for a second but it sails wide.  Everton scored the fastest goal ever in an FA Cup final and have then spent the rest of the game chasing Chelsea around.  They have four minutes to level the scores.

92nd min - Anelka runs onto another ball from Lampard but puts his shot over the cross bar under pressure from Lescott. Mr Annan is busy putting his Everton scarf away and pulling out his Chelsea one.

94th min - Drogba and Bosingwa are busy mucking around with the ball in the corner.  Looks like Everton's time is nearly up.


The referee blows the final whistle and Chelsea are winners of the 2009 FA Cup.  The players are ecstatic. Roman Abramovich looks pleased. I wonder how pleased he will be when he realises he spent $300 million to get a $180 trophy. Kofi Annan looks at his watch.

The Chelsea go up the steps to receive their medallions and the FA Cup. And that's it for another season of English football. Hope next season is just as good.


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