BREAKING NEWS! Widespread Steroid Use Among Major League Umpires

Ricky ButtsCorrespondent IMay 29, 2009

ANAHEIM, CA - AUGUST 12:  Umpire Todd Tichenor calls a strike during the game between the Seattle Mariners and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim at Angel Stadium on August 12, 2008 in Anaheim, California.  The Angels defeated the Mariners 7-3.  (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

It is hard to believe, but Jose Canseco didn't tell us the entire story.

On Friday, May 29, 2009, breaking news came that 99.9 percent of Major League umpires have failed tests for numerous types of steroids and HGH.  It is also reported that other chemicals have been found that inflame the medulla oblongata resulting in massive anger issues.

It was just a couple short weeks ago that Milton Bradley was badly bashed for his comment about umps. 

"Unfortunately, I just think it's a lot of 'Oh, you did this to my colleague,' or 'We're going to get him any time we can,'" he said.

It was then chalked up as the "woe-is-me" attitude that Milton is so infamously famous for.

Maybe he was on to something?

Since then, we have seen numerous "what the &$^% is going on" incidents with umpires. 

Todd Tichenor, pictured above was just called up from AAA.  It is believed that since the turnover rate is very low among MLB umpires, that Todd used steroids to gain an advantage on his other Minor League counterparts.

It took all of just under seven innings for his 'roid rage to be released.  His first game was between the Minnesota Twins and Boston Red Sox.  In the seventh inning of that game, he presumptively tossed Mike Redmond before their argument really even started.

That is when Ron Gardenhire came out from the dugout, not to argue the play (Jeff Bailey ruled safe at home), but that Tichenor ejected Redmond too fast.  All that did was allow Redmond and Gardenhire to sing sweet nothings to each other in the team shower.

It was made possible for Jason Varitek and Terry Francona to join in on the rubber ducky bash, though not likely, when they were both tossed in the very next half inning.

Two players and two managers tossed in less than an inning without a brawl?  I have never seen it. 

I am beginning to believe that Milton Bradley is on to something, because that isn't the end of "roid raging" umpires.

Major League baseball is currently looking into accusations made by Chicago Cub pitcher Ted Lilly.  Lilly is notorious for throwing with the wrong (left) hand and for having the best flower garden in the bigs.

Ted Lilly pulled a "Craig" (from the movie Friday) moment on May 26, when he was tossed by Bob Davidson.  The good part, is that Ted Lilly didn't even pitch that day. 

He didn't steal cardboard boxes, but he believed that Davidson wasn't concentrating behind the plate.  After watching video of some of the calls in the video room, he hopped the fence in front of the Cubs dugout to let Bob know he needed to concentrate more.

"I thought both ways, he wasn't concentrating and I asked him if he could concentrate a little bit back there, and he told me he could do whatever he wanted," Lilly said. "That got me upset."

I know it is not right for someone on the bench to go on the field and argue, but maybe Lilly had a point.  Steroids do crazy things to your body and mind.  Since every Major League hitter and nearly all pitchers take steroids, I am sure that Ted Lilly recognized the look in Davidson's eyes.

Needless to say, like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, Bob Davidson is denying everything.  Going as far as saying that Ted Lilly didn't say anything about concentrating in their argument.

The fun part is this though, Davidson says he can't quote what Lilly said.  Either he isn't very creative in his attempt to frame Lilly for something he didn't say, or the testicular shrinkage has taken its toll on this grown man. 

I mean, isn't he old enough to say things like (WARNING: Extremely explicit content ahead); @#%*, $*%#&, *&%hole, and my favorite, mother*&^%$#. 

Disclaimer - no symbols were harmed in the production of the previous sentence.

If I can say them, than why can't he?

Milton Bradley is a genius.

There is more on page three.

It was all capped off when Carlos Zambrano pitched on Wednesday.

After a close play at the plate following a wild pitch by Zambrano, Pittsburgh Pirate Nyjer Morgan was called safe, much to "Z's" dismay.  The umpire, Mark Carlson, let Carlos argue a bit, but then took matters into his own hands.

As "Z" appeared to be finishing his argument, Carlson, who apparently wasn't ready to stop, purposely (aided by his "roid rage") bumped Zambrano.  After a slight nudge, with a look like "WTF" was that, Carlos was tossed.

Still not sure of what happened, and knowing that any contact gets a player thrown out, Zambrano figured that when umpires make the contact, they should get tossed too.

He did just that, tossing Carlson, which he did not like at all. 

While this is going on, Milton Bradley is watching.  Most likely, he was telling fans in the right field bleachers that, "see, now the umpires are going after anybody I associate with," and that, "Zambrano is just another casualty of the MLBUC."

The tirade continued with Zambrano throwing the ball into left-center field, throwing his glove, and beating the *$&% out of the Gatorade machine.

Major League Baseball announced yesterday that Carlos would be suspended six games and that Carlson won't be suspended because their is not a steroid policy in effect for umpires at this time.

I am sure this is not the end of the steroid saga that is ongoing in the umpire community.  The "Snitchell Report" is due out in 2017.  Then and only then will we learn the truth about our beloved umpires.

Until then, Milton Bradley is going to be my Jose Canseco.  They are both credited men who do not lie.  Listen to their words of wisdom and maybe, just maybe, one day cocaine will be the drug that tears down our superstars.

Oh wait, that was the '80s.

Definition - MLBUC stands for "Major League Baseball Umpire Conspiracy"


    The Greatest Home Run-Hitting Team Ever

    MLB logo

    The Greatest Home Run-Hitting Team Ever

    Scott Miller
    via Bleacher Report

    Latest MLB Power Rankings 📉

    MLB logo

    Latest MLB Power Rankings 📉

    Joel Reuter
    via Bleacher Report

    Pirates Want Gambling Revenue to Fund Stadium Upkeep

    MLB logo

    Pirates Want Gambling Revenue to Fund Stadium Upkeep

    Dan McQuade
    via Deadspin

    Donaldson's Nightmare 2018 Costing Him $100M in FA

    MLB logo

    Donaldson's Nightmare 2018 Costing Him $100M in FA

    Zachary D. Rymer
    via Bleacher Report