Sports in the Year 2032 AD

Rocky GettersSenior Writer IMay 29, 2009

WASHINGTON - MAY 09:  Alex Ovechkin #8 of the Washington Capitals looks on prior to a face off against the Pittsburgh Penguins during Game Five of the Eastern Conference Semifinal Round of the 2009 Stanley Cup Playoffs on May 9, 2009 at the Verizon Center in Washington,  DC.  (Photo by Len Redkoles/Getty Images)

Ever imagine how much your favorite sports could change in just 25 years?

What your favorite athletes would be doing then?

Ever wanted to just peek into the future and see the state of sports in, say...2032 AD.?

Bleacher Report's most charming (and partially crazy) reporteryours truly, Rocky Gettersgot the opportunity yesterday to do exactly that!

I sneaked aboard a time machine secretly built by Richard Branson to see if Playboy would make profit, and stepped into the year 2032 AD.

Before I tell you the state of sports, I feel it's my duty to update you on stuff so you can envision the real 2032 AD.

Economic recession, which started in the late first decade, was worse than expected and is still going on. The Annunaki/reptilians/aliens/little green men never invaded Earth in 2012, and hence the world has not been destroyed.

There was a brief moment of confusion in London on that issue when soccer star David Beckham emerged in public with a new weird haircut, but that was that.

LeBron James is the current President of the United States of America.

His running mate was WWE wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Sure, we still don't have universal health care and unemployment is at an all-time high, but at least we have a Vice President who has replaced water in household taps with beer!


Pole Vault

Yelena Isinbaeva broke her own record...again, at the age of 65. This time, she jumped over three stone statues of Simon Cowell piled one over the other, while balancing a yak on her shoulder and eating 120 hamburgers at the same time (thus beating Kobayashi's eating record along the way...)—and she still did it!



Since recession is so bad, to boost ratings, they decided to change the format of the Super Bowl. Teams don't play football; instead, cheerleaders of opposing teams wrestle in a pool of chocolate.

Michael Vick turned spiritual in the year 2020.

Now he and his "spiritual friend" Paris Hilton (who also discovered her spiritual side and worked as a Christian missionary for a while...) are now active members of PETA.



Alex Ovechkin has formed a cult and rules over half of Canada. Due to global warming, ice hockey became impractical after 2027.



Usain Bolt's long standing record was broken astonishingly by an NBA superstar, although unofficially. When at a game, a cheerleader suddenly screamed at him, "You have fathered my child!"

Seconds later there was another cheerleader who shouted, "And mine!" As did a third, "And mine too!"

That NBA star ran like crazy.


Soccer (World Football!)

Sir Alex Ferguson is still managing Manchester United, and they have won every league title since 2013. Arsene Wenger left Arsenal in 2011, and instead of scouting young footballers unsuccessfully for the team, he is now successfully scouting cheerleaders in the NFL.

See, a good eye never goes to waste!

The WAGs have formed a different league, it's called WAG-EPL. Their weekly clashes are the most watched event in TV history.

AC Milan won their 10th Serie A title in a row, but the delight is doubled this year as Juventus and Inter both have been relegated.


Pro Wrestling

This is the one sport where nothing has changed.

Triple H won the WWE heavyweight title for a record 153rd time. Like before, the verbal feuds in the Bleacher Report pro wrestling section are still more interesting than the WWE.


Formula One

Due to recession, no team has been able to participate in F1.

Everybody had to retire.

Last I heard, Lewis Hamilton had ventured into acting, and Coulthard owns a go-kart racing firm in Hawaii.



This game is also extinct now.

Tiger Woods won everything there was, is, or will be, so somewhere around 2025, no one dared to play against him.

Seeing this, in 2026, Tiger agreed to play blind-folded, with one hand tied behind his back, and both legs tied together, with a hockey stick instead of golf clubs—and still, he won.

As a result, in 2026, golf became extinct.


MMA & Boxing

In January 2031, Sylvester Stallone released the 26th installment of his Rocky franchise, titled Adriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!, in which he took on Ricky Hatton, Brock Lesnar, Jackie Chan, an anaconda, a wild boar, an anteater, and a clown.

Apart from that, things are pretty boring in this realm...



Wimbledon final today, Federer vs Nadal!

No, not Roger vs Rafael, they retired years ago. Their sons are fighting it out today.

Today also marks the day when Maria Sharapova said "NO" to me for the 1,874th time, after I asked her out on a date.

I'm only going to try 12,000 more times, and then I'm moving on to Ana Ivanovic!



Test cricket is obsolete as are ODIs, and even Twenty20s. These days, five-5 over matches are played, and there is a commercial break—ehmmm sorry, a "strategic time-out" after every ball bowled.



The sport is non-existent now.

We have a SLB, which stands for Steroid League Baseball, where every player compulsorily has to take steroids!


I wanted to write more, but I think the warden at my mental hospital is searching for me desperately.

I need to go.

Take care, guys.

P.S.: Maria Sharapova, if you are reading this—will you go out with me?


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