Manchester United-Barcelona: The UEFA Cup Final (Humor)

(Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)

This is the final we have all been waiting for.

The two biggest and best clubs in the world at the moment battling it out in Rome in a gladiatorial contest to decide who is the best in Europe.

The two teams are serenaded onto the pitch by Italian crooner Andrea Bocelli. He is excited. You can see it in his eyes, which ironically he can't see out of.

The players nervously wait for the pre match drudgery to be over.

Kick off: The final is on and Manchester go on the attack. The tension can be cut by a fictitious knife.

Seconnd Min—Man U have a free kick 32m out. C. Ronaldo steps up and powers the ball at an astonished Victor Valdes who was busy looking for girls in the capacity crowd. He mishandles it and it falls to Park Ji-Sung who was looking at the same girls and misses with his shot.

Fourth min—Apparently UEFA have produced a new ball for the final, complete with little dimples all over it, so Mr. Bocelli can keep up with the action.

Fifth, Sixth, Seventh mins—Ronaldo has run out of ideas already and is peppering the Barcelona goal with shots from the car park...at Old Trafford.

10th min—Barcelona's superstar striker Samuel "Lights Out" Eto'o skips around a few training cones that were inadvertently left in the Man Utd penalty box and fires a right foot flick past the outstretched arms of Dutch goalkeeper Edwin van der Sar.

Edwin immediately calls him a Dutch hater. There will be more said about that I am sure.  Barca 1 Man Utd 0.

14th min—C Ronaldo runs into a brick wall that was erected just outside the Barcelona penalty area.

The referee inspected the wall and gave Barcelona a yellow card and a fine for violation of the building code. The ensuing free kick was taken by Ryan Giggs as Ronaldo was still recovering from the knock. 

Giggs missed. He must be concussed as well.

19th min—Messi launches his little leg at the ball and fires it over the cross bar. The ball, not his leg.

20th min—Ronaldo answers with an equally hard and equally ineffective shot. Rooney looks on unamused, Mr. Bocelli laughs.

21st min—Goalkeeper Valdes goes down from a challenge with Park. His leg was already a bit dodgy and now he can't take goal kicks.

25th min—Iniesta wins a free kick. Xavi fires it at the goal and misses by inches...or centimetres...whatever you prefer or whatever is closer.

28th min to 30th min—Edwin van der Sar has a few minutes of nervousness trying to clear his lines from back passes. Needs to tell his defenders to do it themselves, I'm busy.

34th min—Barcelona gaining confidence as Puyol and Toure go for a run up front and get a corner. Must be nice not having to worry about your defensive responsibilities.

36th min—The ball goes out after a clash between Rooney and Messi. The linesman points for a Man Utd throw in. 

Messi shakes his finger at him and claims that "these aren't the droids you are looking for."

37th min—Xavi plays a ball forward expecting Messi and gets Puyol. He screws it up.  Xavi is unimpressed by his captain.

38th min—Ronaldo flops to the ground and then complains when the ref tells him to get up. 

Finally Ronaldo's petulant side comes out. Andrea Bocelli is unamused.

40th min—Rooney tries the flopping technique. He is denied satisfaction as well.

44th min—Van der Sar, still thinking about the goal totally mis-kicks a clearance and hits some poor kid in the crowd in the head.

45th min—Lionel Messi is able to saunter his way into the Man Utd penalty area completely unmolested by any defenders. 

He misses the shot but Mr Bocelli is pleased with the effort.

46th minute—The half comes to a close the crowd rises as two.

One half applauding the attacking and accurate flair of Barcelona and the other half jeering and booing the attacking and accurate flair of Barcelona.

Half time is full of men in suits making wild gestures and comments and also Heineken adverts.

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