Manchester United-Barcelona: The UEFA Cup Final (Humor)

Kym CharlesContributor IMay 28, 2009

ROME - MAY 27:  Thierry Henry of Barcelona holds the trophy as he celebrates winning the UEFA Champions League Final match between Manchester United and Barcelona at the Stadio Olimpico on May 27, 2009 in Rome, Italy.  (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)

This is the final we have all been waiting for.

The two biggest and best clubs in the world at the moment battling it out in Rome in a gladiatorial contest to decide who is the best in Europe.

The two teams are serenaded onto the pitch by Italian crooner Andrea Bocelli. He is excited. You can see it in his eyes, which ironically he can't see out of.

The players nervously wait for the pre match drudgery to be over.

Kick off: The final is on and Manchester go on the attack. The tension can be cut by a fictitious knife.

Seconnd Min—Man U have a free kick 32m out. C. Ronaldo steps up and powers the ball at an astonished Victor Valdes who was busy looking for girls in the capacity crowd. He mishandles it and it falls to Park Ji-Sung who was looking at the same girls and misses with his shot.

Fourth min—Apparently UEFA have produced a new ball for the final, complete with little dimples all over it, so Mr. Bocelli can keep up with the action.

Fifth, Sixth, Seventh mins—Ronaldo has run out of ideas already and is peppering the Barcelona goal with shots from the car Old Trafford.

10th min—Barcelona's superstar striker Samuel "Lights Out" Eto'o skips around a few training cones that were inadvertently left in the Man Utd penalty box and fires a right foot flick past the outstretched arms of Dutch goalkeeper Edwin van der Sar.

Edwin immediately calls him a Dutch hater. There will be more said about that I am sure.  Barca 1 Man Utd 0.

14th min—C Ronaldo runs into a brick wall that was erected just outside the Barcelona penalty area.

The referee inspected the wall and gave Barcelona a yellow card and a fine for violation of the building code. The ensuing free kick was taken by Ryan Giggs as Ronaldo was still recovering from the knock. 

Giggs missed. He must be concussed as well.

19th min—Messi launches his little leg at the ball and fires it over the cross bar. The ball, not his leg.

20th min—Ronaldo answers with an equally hard and equally ineffective shot. Rooney looks on unamused, Mr. Bocelli laughs.

21st min—Goalkeeper Valdes goes down from a challenge with Park. His leg was already a bit dodgy and now he can't take goal kicks.

25th min—Iniesta wins a free kick. Xavi fires it at the goal and misses by inches...or centimetres...whatever you prefer or whatever is closer.

28th min to 30th min—Edwin van der Sar has a few minutes of nervousness trying to clear his lines from back passes. Needs to tell his defenders to do it themselves, I'm busy.

34th min—Barcelona gaining confidence as Puyol and Toure go for a run up front and get a corner. Must be nice not having to worry about your defensive responsibilities.

36th min—The ball goes out after a clash between Rooney and Messi. The linesman points for a Man Utd throw in. 

Messi shakes his finger at him and claims that "these aren't the droids you are looking for."

37th min—Xavi plays a ball forward expecting Messi and gets Puyol. He screws it up.  Xavi is unimpressed by his captain.

38th min—Ronaldo flops to the ground and then complains when the ref tells him to get up. 

Finally Ronaldo's petulant side comes out. Andrea Bocelli is unamused.

40th min—Rooney tries the flopping technique. He is denied satisfaction as well.

44th min—Van der Sar, still thinking about the goal totally mis-kicks a clearance and hits some poor kid in the crowd in the head.

45th min—Lionel Messi is able to saunter his way into the Man Utd penalty area completely unmolested by any defenders. 

He misses the shot but Mr Bocelli is pleased with the effort.

46th minute—The half comes to a close the crowd rises as two.

One half applauding the attacking and accurate flair of Barcelona and the other half jeering and booing the attacking and accurate flair of Barcelona.

Half time is full of men in suits making wild gestures and comments and also Heineken adverts.

Second half

Anderson makes way at half time for the wild man Carlos Tevez. Barcelona after having enjoyed a delightful meal provided by Mr. Bocelli have returned for the second half.

48th min—Thierry Henry comes down the left and undresses Vidic and then puts his clothes back on as he gets blocked.

49th min—Samuel Eto'o takes a big swipe at a cross and misses the ball. Van der Sar now has a cold from the breeze.

50th min—Leo Messi falls down in the box then is on his knees wondering why there is still so much time left. I think he is tired.

53rd min—Iniesta falls down from a check from Vidic. Nemanja thinks this is Hockey. 

Xavi's free kick clatters against the petrified wood of the post...well it is petrified now.  Mr. Bocelli is thinking about erecting a pergola in his backyard.

54th min—A cross comes over from Rooney but unfortunately Park is too short. Needs to grow up a bit.

65th min—Rio Ferdinand believes Iniesta is tired from all his running and insists he take a little nap on the ground.

66th min—Park is being taken off and Berbatov is coming on. A proper striker to replace a fake striker.

67th min—It would seem that Ronaldo and Puyol will be crossing each other off their Christmas card lists. Mr. Bocelli adjusts his list as well.

70th min—Xavi puts in a wicked cross to the back post where Leo Messi is floating and he heads it back across Van der Sar into the goal. Check that man for wires!

Barcelona 2-0.

72nd min—Thierry Henry takes a rest and Seydou Keita takes his place. Are Barcelona putting another wall up? Hope this one is up to code.

74th min—Ronaldo is getting frustrated with Puyol and tries to get rid of him. Might need a SWAT team.

75th min—Old man Giggs goes of to be replaced by middle aged man Scholes.

78th min—Ronaldo couldn't organize the SWAT team for Puyol so he takes matters into his own hands. Gets a yellow card. Andrea Bocelli knows the captain of the SWAT team.

80th min—Paul Scholes joins in the party and tries to break Sergi Busquets leg. He fails but the ginger ninja gets a yellow card for his trouble.

84th min—Puyol takes a break from annoying Ronaldo to take a run at Van der Sar.  His shot is blocked by Edwin who then trips Puyol for having shot at him. Puyol looks dead.

92nd min—Iniesta takes a well earned seat. Pedrito takes his spot.

93rd min—Vidic doesn't want to be left out and gets his own yellow card for a foul on Messi. At least we know he played now.


FC Barcelona are champions of Europe! 

Wild celebrations begin wildly as players and officials run around like chooks with their heads cut off. 

Congratulations to Barcelona, winners by a score of 2-0. 

Andrea Bocelli salutes you.


    Arsenal Interested in RB Leipzig's Emil Forsberg

    World Football logo
    World Football

    Arsenal Interested in RB Leipzig's Emil Forsberg

    Tom Sunderland
    via Bleacher Report

    Madrid Establish Contact with Roma's In-Demand Alisson

    World Football logo
    World Football

    Madrid Establish Contact with Roma's In-Demand Alisson

    Tom Sunderland
    via Bleacher Report

    Icardi's Wife Wanda Nara 'Confident' of Inter Renewal

    World Football logo
    World Football

    Icardi's Wife Wanda Nara 'Confident' of Inter Renewal

    Tom Sunderland
    via Bleacher Report