ESPN Reports Baseball Tonight Still Good

BRISTOL, CT - In the wake of widespread criticism to its flagship baseball show, ESPN reported Monday that Baseball Tonight is, in fact, still good. “We have done a lot of analysis,” said ESPN president George Bodenheimer in a statement. “In the end, we have concluded that not only is Baseball Tonight not worse than it used to be, but it has in fact never been better.”

The report, which was lauded by Disney executives, continued, saying “After a thorough investigation, we have determined that BBTN is in no way a hollow shell of its past self, propped up by Peter Gammons and Tim Kurkjian. This complete lack of drop in quality is reflected throughout the entire ESPN family, from Sportscenter to NFL Live. These shows are all exactly as good as they used to be and have been in no way compromised by insufferable morons who dominate the landscape, crowding out actual sports highlights for pseudo-commentary.”

Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk wholeheartedly agreed, saying “For my money, there isn’t a better show out there than Baseball Tonight. Baseball Tonight has a proud tradition of being entertaining and offering actual insight into the game, and I am proud to be such an integral part of a show that shows absolutely no sign of declining whatsoever.”

In the report, the network contends that critics of Kruk and fellow analyst Steve Phillips are “not real,” stating that the analysts, who began working at the show in 2004 and 2005, respectively, are “universally beloved by the baseball-watching public. Any criticism of either of these employees is most likely done by terrorists who hate freedom and also people making ridiculous predictions just to get attention.”

Top ESPN executives are very happy with the show, which they say “is not nearly terrible enough that it actually misses Harold Reynolds.” They feel that showing selected home runs from players who are well-known is much better than recognizing everyone who homers, as they used to do for some reason. Additionally, Bobby Valentine’s presence is apparently not sorely missed, and some teams that aren’t very good just deserve to have highlights omitted from hour-long baseball highlight shows so that Steve Phillips can talk more.

Upon reading the report, host Karl Ravech, as he has done every night for years, cried himself to sleep and died a little inside.