Hockey Is Lame, Bowling Is Sweet

Walter Gibson www.dbbsports.comContributor IMay 26, 2009

It appears as though I owe NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman an apology.  

Or at least some sort of retraction.  

I’ve frequently dumped on Bettman as the single dumbest person in the sporting world.

But two US Senators have recently demonstrated stupidity equal to Gary.  So he’s not alone.

Then again, they’re Senators.  They’re in politics, not sports.  So I guess actually I don’t owe Gary anything.  He’s still the dumbest man in sports all by himself.  You’re welcome, Brett.  And Plax.  And Manny.

The Senators, Kirsten Gillibrand and Charles Schumer from New York, are supporting the NHL’s position to prevent a franchise move to Ontario.

I understand the league’s claim that it has the right to regulate franchise locations.  What I can’t understand is why in the hell the league doesn’t want a franchise in Ontario.

Gary, Ontario is the epicenter of the game you nitwit.  I’m trying to imagine the train of thought in Gary’s peabrain head.

Hmmmm, Phoenix—hot as hell all year, nobody plays hockey, no hockey fans, attendance at Coyotes games is miserable, they just declared bankruptcy, and the team hasn’t made a playoff run since 1987 when they were in Winnipeg.

What’s not to like?

Besides, Ontario has a team already.  Why do they need another one?

First of all, Gary, the Maple Leafs aren’t actually a team.  Teams win at least occasionally. Three words for you: Nineteen Sixty Seven.  That’s a drought.

Second, the Leafs are the most valuable franchise in the league.  Why?  Because even though the Leafs suck nuts, hockey in Ontario is bigger than botox in Los Angeles.

They sell out.  All the time.  Longest sellout streak in the NHL.  Highest ticket revenue in the NHL.  And a wait list of more than 2,500 people for season tickets.

No effen way they could support another team in that part of the world—huh, Gary?

Forbes lists the value of the Leafs at half a billion dollars.  Scary thing is, that means they’re still half a billion behind the Hannah Montana franchise.

How, exactly, did Miley Cyrus become so freaking rich?

Because she’s every middle-aged mid-life crisis man’s perverted Lolita dream girl?

No.  She is, but that’s not why she’s rich.  It’s because she’s on TV.  A lot.

Unlike the NHL playoffs.

But that’s understandable.  After all, its not like there’s room in the ESPN schedule to fit the NHL playoffs.  Not with seven repeats of SportsCenter every day.  Thank god for that.  Much rather hear a 10-second byte about Mike Vick happy to be out of jail for the 200th time than actually watch a sporting event.

So keep SportsCenter going ten hours a day.  But bowling?  Fine, MLS made it to ESPN over the NHL.  But bowling?!


Did you see O’Neill nail that killer 2-8 split in the 2nd frame of the PBA King of
Bowling tour last week?

And the commercials are killer.  GoRVing?  Yeah, as in a club for RV owners.

Seriously?  How much you think GoRVing throws down for 30-second spots between PBA frames?  Can’t be much.  Gary, are you telling me the NHL playoffs can’t drum up more advertising revenue than the PBA?

So Gary, go ahead.  Heed the advice of our worthy Senators who are concerned that the Sabres can’t survive a little competition.

Which is like saying more hot chicks in South Beach would be a bad thing.  And I think we all know that’s not true.