Go Home, Sports. You're Drunk.
That's it. I'm taking your keys.
No, don't tell me you're "fine," Sports. You just shotgunned an Icehouse and pushed some guy into the pool. This is almost as bad as last year when you funneled Bushmills and decided to hire replacement refs because you "thought it was funny."
I'm just worried about you, Sports. Most of the time you're levelheaded and cool, but when you've had a rough week and head to the Sizzler early—well, that's when things get sloppy.
The following are a number of your sloppiest pictures, Sports. These are very sober athletes (and inanimate objects) doing very drunk-looking things. They have been over-served, and it's time for them to go home.
'Trust Me, I Got This'
Jeff stood by the paddock, swigging bourbon greedily and inspecting the racehorses.
"There's my girl," he said, eyeing a bay mare.
He knocked back the remaining contents of his tumbler, strapped the purple helmet on and began to climb the fence, a smile of glazed resolution on his face.
"Jeff! We were joking!" cried one of his friends.
Drink of Choice: Mint juleps—taking you from zero to regret in record pace.
'Check This Out!'
"Well, I guess the only bad press is no press, am I right?" —Uruguay defender Martin Caceres upon seeing his bicycle kick on the cover of Kicked in the Face Monthly.
Drink of Choice: Tequila—the trusted choice for when you need to remove other people's teeth.
Just Let It Go, Sergio
"You know (hiccup), when I was growing up (hiccup), we only played golf in trees. This land used to be all trees (hiccup). But you kids don't appreciate it."
By refusing to take a drop on this lie at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, Sergio Garcia not only looked B.A. (a rarity), he also looked like a drunk man refusing to give up on a shaky idea.
To his credit, the stunt worked out—something that doesn't happen often when you're intoxicated.
Drink of Choice: Mojito, because he appreciates the leaves.
I Can Smell It on Your Breath, Nik Stauskas
What do you mean, you only had "a couple"? We all saw you, Nik.
You were bent as a wicker basket out there, screaming "Give him the oop!" and calling coach "Papa Pee-line." This is Nana's wake all over again. I can't even look at you.
Drink of Choice: Mad Dog 20/20.
'No, WE Got It
It was another routine pop-up for Kyle Blanks, that is, until a drunk Logan Forsythe came in for the two-handed catch.
We can only presume Forsythe's keys were taken shortly after this collision.
Drink of Choice: Keystone Light.
It's the drink of choice for the guy who wobbles up to the pong table and asks to take a "celebrity shot."
Oh God, He's Trying to Saddle the Elephants Again...
"So I ride elephants! Maybe that's why dad liked you more, Doug! We can't all be bankers!"
The Miller family knew the risks it was taking when it invited Uncle Joe on its trip to Thailand, but the family greatly underestimated the consequences it would have on local pachyderms.
Drink of Choice: Nothing brings out deep-seated family issues like Thai snake wine.
David Wright did his best to officiate, but the first annual Mets Jousting Tourney quickly devolved into a drunken, medieval mess.
Neither Justin Turner nor Andrew Brown could go on to the final round, leaving Matt Harvey winner by default.
Drink of Choice: Jagermeister, a great drink if you're not into keeping friends.
This Basketball Is Going To...
You try to take the basketball out and introduce him to nice people, and this is what happens.
It's the same thing every time: He gets a few cocktails in him, and next thing you know he's screaming "parkour!" and hanging off the shot clock.
He was cool in high school, but I keep telling people, "The dude has changed."
Drink of Choice: Seabreezes.
"I don't know, officer. We found him here this morning rolling in the dirt and singing Marshall Tucker Band songs. Had a jug of hooch, but we grabbed that...."
The Kansas City grounds crew tried to be discreet, but this was the second time it found Mike Moustakas passed out on third base.
Drink of Choice: Apple pie moonshine.
ESPN Is Hammered
For several moments of this game, Oregon State was beating Washington State by a cool 975 points.
The mistake was rectified, but it begs the question: Was some depressed Washington State fan working the Chyron scoreboard for ESPN during this game?
"Good! Grand! Here, just take all the points!" (nips angrily at booze).
Drink of Choice: Captain Morgan in a flask.
Wake Up, Zebrie
If you look on the right of this image, you'll see a play in progress. If you look on the left, however, you'll notice Zebrie Sanders doing the opposite of playing football.
Nothing was wrong: The Florida State lineman was just sticking to team protocol, which involves not moving if you're convinced the defensive line is offside.
That being said, in this particular case, protocol made him look like the guy with the spins who tries to stay completely still to keep from falling off the world.
Drink of Choice: Sierra Nevada Bigfoot—a heavy beer for heavy men.
To Infinity and Beyond
Ever get drunk enough to mistake ice for water? David Backes did, and it did not pan out well.
Drink of Choice: Rumplemintz—it's ice and alcohol, and it'll make you question everything you ever held dear.
Stop Slurring Your Punches, Chael Sonnen
It used to be funny, Chael.
We used to laugh with you, but now you're fighting like a half-bagged Peppy from Starfox, and it's becoming sad. Every move doesn't have to involve barrel rolls.
Drink of Choice: Vodka martinis, because he likes to get sophisticatedly sloshed.
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