David Stern, Clay Bennett, an Ivy League Education and the Seattle Supersonics

The following article is rated ‘R’ for adult themes, adult language, sophomoric humor and drug references. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

David Stern is a little b***h to two things: Money and Clay Bennett.

Despite clear evidence to the contrary, the tool, known as David Stern, continues to say with a straight face that Clay Bennett and his ownership group made a ‘good-faith effort’ to negotiate with Seattle and the State of Washington.

That is like telling your prom date’s dad that you have no other intentions for his daughter while condoms, hotel keys and the pocket version of the Karma Sutra fall out of your tuxedo.

Good thing that flask with the roofie colada in it was left in the bang bus known as the limo! Otherwise the jig would really be up.

We are not dumb Mr. Stern, or should I say Mr(s). Bennett. We can see through this. I just cannot believe that you would whore yourself out like this. All for the mighty Okie dollar? Whoever your dealer is I am sure they are happy because you are putting their kids through an Ivy League education with all of the blow you are buying.

Do commissioners have to submit to random drug testing? “Onterrio, it’s David. Do you have an extra wizzinator lying around? Possibly in a bad self tanner/oompa loompa color? You do! Great, could you get it to you know where ASAP. I think I have a session coming up.”

And Clay, I mean, Mud Bennett, do not think you are going to skate out of here without taking some body blows of your own. And no, not the kind of blows that Commissioner Stern is taking.

Your intentions, even without your emails being made public, are as transparent as my urine after drinking water for a week straight.

Did you roll out of bed one morning, shave you and your ‘wife’s’ 5 o’clock shadows, watch the movie Major League and start wondering how you could do the same thing?

You know the plot, field an inept team, demand the equivalent of a Maui beach to be placed in the middle of an Iowan corn field and tell people that your hand was forced when local government would not cooperate.

I talked to Jesus; even he said your requests were absolutely ridiculous. And he knows ridiculous. He hears the last requests of death row’s inmates right before the sponge is wetted and the switch is thrown.

This is the dumbest series of events that I have ever seen! And I live in Portland, where stupid grows on trees and resides in local government.

So when ‘Mud’ wakes up tomorrow at least the person he can thank for allowing him to move the Sonics will be right there next to him. Spooning his ‘Mud’ Bennett body pillow and wearing a Dana Barros throwback jersey.

“David, it is time to wake up. We have to shave before we go pick out wallpaper for the visitor’s locker room.”

This would be a funny joke, if people were actually laughing.