The Day the Football Died: Newcastle's Toon Sings Good Bye

Patrick JohnstonCorrespondent IMay 26, 2009

BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND - MAY 24:  Newcastle United fan reacts after Newcastle United are relegated after their 0-1 defeat to Aston Villa during the Barclays Premier League match between Aston Villa and Newcastle United at Villa Park on May 24, 2009 in Birmingham, England.   (Photo by Michael Steele/Getty Images)

Sung to the "Toon" of American Pie:


A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that football used to make me smile.
And I knew if King Kev had the chance
That he could make us people dance
And, maybe, we’d be happy for a while.

But Mike Ashley made us shiver
With every person he’d deliver.
Bad news for the magpies.

The owner handed the reigns to Dennis Wise

I can’t remember if I cried
When I heard about King Kev’s demise,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the football died.

So bye-bye, playing in the Top Flight.

To Premiership football we say goodnight,
Frustration of Relegation will make us cry.
Draining all our sorrows in whiskey and rye
Singing, “relegation was the day that I cried.”
"But I will bleed black and white till I die."

Did you see Shearer portray his love ,
And did you have faith in Harper’s gloves?,
Given to City was such a blow
Do you believe that we are in control,
Can Shearer save our football soul,
And can you teach me how to mourn real slow?

Well, I know that the Toon is in a spin
`cause we forgotten how to win.
The lads forgot how to lace their shoes.
Man, now we are singing the relegation blues.

I am a lonely magpie in a funk
With a shattered soul and a loss of spunk,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the football died.

I started singin (chorus)

In past years, Champion’s League Football was in our park
And attacking football was our trademark
But that is how it used to be.
When the jester Ashley sat with the Toon
We swore we’d see those nights again soon

Oh, and while king Kev was looking down,
The jester Ashley stole his sacred crown.
The gallowgate was adjourned;
The Toon Army must return.
And while Owen couldn’t find the mark,
The Toon Army sang in St. James Park
And I sang melancholy in the dark
The day the football died.

We were singing, (chorus)

Our summer transfers will be helter skelter.
Our aged stars will fly off to another shelter,
We were miles high and now falling fast.
Championship football on the grass.
The players who remain must have some class,
With the jester Ashley’s ambitions in the past.

 Half-time at Villa Park we still refused
to accept singing a Championship tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players who took the field;
Lied down like cowards ready to yield.
Do you recall how they revealed
Their craven effort that made the football die.

We started singing,

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A Toon generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: Shearer be nimble, Shearer be quick!
Please get us out of this sinking ship!
Cause EPL Football is the Toon’s only friend.

Oh, and as I watched this team take the stage
My soul was experiencing bouts of rage.
No Geordie born in hell
Could break Mike Ashley’s spell.
And as the sorrow ascended into the night
To emphasize our dire plight,
I saw the Mackens laughing with delight
The day the football died

we were singing,

I have met many Toon who sing the blues
And I ask them for some happy news,
But they just smile and turn away.
I went down to the sacred site
St James’ Park deep into the night,
But the Toon there said EPL football was another day.

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The Toon Army cried, and the Geordies dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The Magpie souls were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
Sir Bobby, Shearer, and King Kev’s ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the football died.

And they were singing,