Sports are all about rarified humans performing amazing feats, and no one organizes athletic anomalies like the Guinness Book of World Records.
This annual reference book is a veritable catalog in human achievement, however ridiculous.
From amazing accomplishments to downright goofy ventures, these are the most absurd Guinness World Records in sports.
Record Holder: Samuel Groth
During a 2012 ATP Challenger event in Busan, South Korea, Samuel Groth delivers a serve that rivals the top-end speed of a Porsche 911 Turbo SE.
As you might guess, the serve isn't returned. In fact, the ball rips through the stadium wall and ends up landing in the East China Sea some six miles off shore.
The Happy Gilmore of tennis might not be the most well rounded player in the world, but he can put on a show.
Record Holder: Tillman
During X Games XV in Los Angeles, Tillman—an English Bulldog—skateboards a 100M stretch of concrete in less than 20 seconds.
To be fair though, that low center of gravity does give him a decided advantage over other breeds. Let us know when you learn something useful, Tillman.
Record Holder: Anthony Kelly
We love Guinness, but its record system is fundamentally flawed. Many of Guinness' so-called "records" seem so niche that they've probably only been attempted by the people that claim them.
If you want to set a Guinness World Record by, say, this afternoon, chug a 32-ounce Monster Energy drink and go to town on a punch mitt. You'll dethrone Anthony Kelly faster than Angelina did Jennifer.
We don't want to take anything away from this guy's martial arts acumen, but c'mon.
Record Holder: Kenichi
Granted, this is one of the most absurd records on this list, but bear crawling the length of a soccer field in under 20 seconds is no joke.
After reading the headline, you probably expect the competitor to have pronounced traps and Moe Green's legs. Instead, he looks like a guy who lives on a steady diet of Gushers and X-Box Live.
What the Guinness Book of World Records lacks in substance, it makes up for with surprises.
Record Holder: Honus Wagner
For whatever reason, this yearbook picture of Honus Wagner turns baseball card collectors on as though it comes with a free Beer of the Month Club membership and Kate Upton.
In 2007, an anonymous collector shells out close to $3,000,000 for this rare piece of baseball memorabilia at auction.
$2.8M for a baseball card!? We understand why this guy wants to go unnamed.
Record Holder: Xie Guizhong
So you run a seven-minute mile and can bench press your body weight, huh?
Well, this guy can do more push-ups on his index finger than most guys can do on their knees.
Unless you're doing handstand hill runs or kettlebell swings with your nose, it's time to reevaluate your fitness goals.
Record Holder: Julia Plecher
Honestly, this woman has nothing on my Aunt Pam when the doors open on a "Black Friday" sale at Target. She can make it from the mall parking lot to the last PlayStation 4 in the building faster than you can say "layaway."
That said, this woman has definitely missed a city bus or two in her day. This is the look of an ad agency executive who's not going to let the slow service at Starbucks prevent her from making an 8 a.m. meeting.
Record Holder: Arrowhead Stadium
Kansas City Chiefs fans haven't had much to celebrate over the last 10 years. And apparently, the Arrowhead Stadium faithful purge a decade's worth of misery with carnal screams and thunderous foot stomps.
During a 2013 game against the Oakland Raiders, Chiefs' safety Husain Abdullah returns an interception for a touchdown, eliciting a 137.5-decibel response from the hometown crowd.
According to Galen Carol Audio, that's roughly the equivalent of a jet engine at 100 feet and capable of causing "permanent damage" to the ears.
Record Holder: Thilo Schwarck
Trampoline schmampoline. We don't care if this guy was shot out of a cannon, dunking a basketball from beyond the 3-point line is newsworthy.
As the NBA Slam Dunk Contest grows increasingly stale with each passing year, the league would be wise to introduce a spring-loaded death trap to the festivities.
A lineup of Nate Robinson, Shannon Brown and an industrial sized trampoline would draw Super Bowl-like ratings.
Record Holder: Sharran Alexander
Sharran Alexander is the largest competitor (male or female) at the 2011 U.S. Sumo Open, which is like being the drunkest person at a Kid Rock concert.
She admits that she originally found the distinction "embarrassing," but now displays her Guinness World Record plaque in her living room.
Record Holder: Adam Beatrice
After hitting 10 of his first 18 shots, Adam Beatrice goes ice cold from long range.
But this random bro still shoots considerably better from half court than Dwight Howard does from the free throw line.
Record Holder: Garrett McNamara
Typically, when people encounter waves of this magnitude, they scream "Mayday!" into a radio and dive head first into the nearest life jacket.
Garret McNamara has the passion of Patrick Swayze in Point Break and the palpable confidence of Patrick Swayze in Road House.
If you're doing the math, that makes for one absurdly adventurous, borderline psychotic badass.
Record Holder: Johanna Quaas
Johanna Quaas is a dozen or so presidential administrations removed from competing at a high level, but—in some respects—this floor routine is as impressive as Gabby Douglas' performance in the London 2012 Summer Olympics.
This woman was in her athletic prime during Germany's WWII surrender, and she can still do a walking handstand.
You go, Johanna!
Record Holder: Bob J. Fisher
Bob J. Fischer collects free throw records like Quincy Jones wins Grammy awards.
With his rapid-fire delivery (see video), Fischer holds more than a dozen Guinness World Records in total, and none are more impressive than his 2,371 made attempts in an hour.
To put that into perspective, that's more converted free throws than LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, Dwyane Wade, Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant had all last season combined.
Record Holder: Troy Polamalu
The shampoo juggernaut Head & Shoulders thinks so much of Troy Polamalu's locks that they've insured his hair for $1,000,000.
How's your life going?