Five Hints to Keep Your Articles from Being Read

Calvin W BoazCorrespondent IIMay 24, 2009

Above photo originally appeared at


Everybody who joins Bleacher Report has their own expectations.  Some want hundreds of people reading their material and a future job at Sports Illustrated.

For myself, there is too much pressure in that.  I have no need for Webster's relatives to analyze every single word I write.  I don't want to read critiques so harsh they would make General Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr. cry.

I would rather be known as the next Ed Wood of sports writing.  There is special joy into hiding in your own anonymity.  Here are some suggestions to help one achieve such goals.

1.  Write about lacrosse.

I am talking about the sport, not the city.  Actually, doing a story on La Crosse, Wisconsin would get you more hits.

2.  Write down all the teams that play in BCS conferences but don't write about any of them.

Write a positive piece on Notre Dame football and even their most passionate detractors will read it.  You can do an analysis of Florida Atlantic's team position by position and members of the Owl's football team won't look at it.

3.  Find out what the most popular story is on Bleacher Report and write an article on that. 

Nothing says "fascinating piece" more than the 100th story on Manny Ramirez and steroids.  If a famous athlete or coach passes away during the day, wait until late at night to post your obituary or tribute and make sure you place it under "breaking news."

4.  Figure out who the top writers are and put a message in their bulletin board telling them about your article.

After cleaning out their spam mail and the meaningless messages on their bulletin board, there is no time left for them to read your piece even if they wanted to.  For the most desired effect, send the messages out every hour for 10 hours.

5.  Compliment Bleacher Report as much as possible.

Negativity sells!  Doing a story extolling the virtues of the rating system or the greatness of editors will get you brownie points from B/R but absolutely nothing from everybody else.  

I hope these hints aid those that wish to become Bleacher Report's Mr. Irrelevant.