Good morning, evening, afternoon or night depending on where in the world you are.
Don't ever say that I never try to please my world audience of fans.....
I would like to announce the first ever Matt Binks Middle of May awards for being something other than mediocre... Trust me this will be bigger than the Oscars soon...Or the Grammys...Or the Country Music Awards...Or well at least the Hull and District Regional Mini Golf Putting competition anyway.
So let us begin.
Award number 1: The Bob Geldof Award for "Being a Total Arsehole, When You Really Should Like Him."
For those who dont know Sir Bob Geldof he is an ex-rock star who campaigns for world peace, the end of famine, cancelling third world debt and finding a cure for AIDS.
He organised probably the biggest concert in world history and has been responsible for saving lives.... A lot of lives....
Whilst doing all this, he still manages to come across as the worlds biggest Shithead.
This award is being given to JOHN CENA.
He is a good influence for children, he constantly works on his game despite being abused nearly everywhere he goes, he loves the business and has time for all his fans.
And yet he still comes across as a total shithead. This is not as easy as it sounds...
Well done John.
Award number 2 - The Al Gore Award for Should be Running the God Damn World.... Or at Least the Company.
We should all know the story of how Al Gore had the presidency stolen from him. The result was that whilst he was busy winning Oscars, Nobel Peace prizes and All Around Legend awards... His rival was trying to take over the world and becoming slightly less popular than Hitler, yes THAT Hitler.
This award goes to CHRIS JERICHO.
He is without doubt the most talented wrestler in the company today, both on the mat and on the mic. Instead of running the company and being given the ball and belt to run with...He is demoted to novelty matches with 60 year old men and getting punched by Mickey "I am a wanker" Rourke.
Whilst he is still managing to earn match and feud of the year awards, his replacements (Edge, Orton, Jeff Hardy, etc.) are still managing to produce seen it all before matches, declining ratings and one of the worst Wrestlemanias in History.
Award Number 3 - The Scottie Pippen Award for "I won't ever get any real recognition because I'm in that arseholes shadow all the time".
Scottie Pippen was one of the greatest players the NBA has ever seen. Unfortunately he will also be remembered as "That other guy in the Chicago team who played with Michael Jordan."
This award goes to MATT HARDY, who despite being more talented, more creative, ridiculously better at promos and have a lot more heart, will always be known as Jeff Hardy's brother.
I can understand people rating Jordan higher than Pippen, but how Jeff is giving push after push despite being barely coherent on the mic whilst Matt is relegated to a jealous brother character, is completely beyond me...
Award Number 4 - The Sir Cliff Richard award for "Should have fucked off a long time ago"
For those off you across the pond, who might not be aware of "Cliff", he was the UK's answer to Elvis. In the 1950's. Whilst the King took the dignified step of becoming fat and well, dead, Cliff decided to stay healthy and in the media's eye. Constantly producing performances on television and telling everyone how great Jesus is. This has now been going on for nearly 60 god damn years.
This award goes to DAVE BATISTA, who despite not being around for 60 years (Flair was very close to this award), should still have pissed off a long time ago.....
Award Number 5 - The Ryan Reynolds award for "I should hate your guts with every fibre of my body... and yet do not."
This is basically the opposite of the first award.
Ryan Reynolds, is a smug, slick looking son of a bitch who stars in a lot of films that I really dislike...
By all accounts I should hate him. He should be in my current list of 3 that I want to fall down a mineshaft (Bob Geldof, Bono, and Sir Alex Ferguson)
But I do not. Strangely I cannot help but laugh at the guy. It sickens me it really does.
This award goes to THE MIZ. The guy is a complete tool. He is an ex-reality TV star, which should automatically mean I hate him. He also has annoying hair, has annoying catchphrases and wears the type of hat that only 1950's Chicago gangsters and Dean Martin should be allowed to wear.
So I hate the guy right?
Well no. Despite everything, I cannot help but like the guy. His promos are hilarious and his ring work is actually not that bad. I cry and try to cut myself with a yale key after I laugh at his performances, but still I laugh.
So there you go. Please let me know if you agree or disagree with my choices.
Please also comment if you want to say something bad about Bob Gelfof. AKA "Africa's Saviour" "Helper of Millions" and "Campaigner for equality and peace in the world"
What a complete bastard you are Bob. I hate you, I hate your children, I hate your face, I don't like Mondays and I hate your stupid hair.