What Sports Figures Should Be for Halloween
Halloween is almost upon us—a favorite holiday of many of us out there. It is a time for dressing up, for being someone else for one night.
For athletes and sports figures, it's an opportunity to think about what could have been if only their situations were slightly different.
For athletes and sports figures, Halloween is a time to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, for better or worse. For some, it is an opportunity to discover what it's like to be universally loved; for others, it is an opportunity to see how the other side lives.
Julian Edelman Should Be...
Julian Edelman has had his moments this season. He had some excellent grabs in Week 1, totaling seven receptions for 79 yards and two touchdowns. But since then, it's been crickets—and his poor quarterback has really, really needed someone who could step up.
He needs someone like...
Apparently, the way CBS' commentators see it, any undersized, white slot receiver who plays for the Patriots is named "Danny" anyway, so this isn't too much of a stretch for Edelman.
But if he went as Danny Woodhead for Halloween, for one night, he would rediscover what it meant to be clutch.
Meanwhile, in San Diego, Woodhead—who couldn't draw any interest whatsoever from New England last offseason—has emerged as a more-than-viable option for Philip Rivers, totaling nine catches three times this season with three TDs.
Matt Schaub Should Be...
Wouldn't it be nice for Matt Schaub to know what it's like to be a winner?
Wouldn't it be nice for him to be in the midst of an undefeated season? For him to not only be in the 2013 MVP discussion, but to be in the best-quarterback-of-all-time discussion? Wouldn't it be nice for him to be the owner of a whopping 2,179 yards and 22 touchdowns, instead of eight touchdowns and nine picks?
He should be...
Most of all, it would probably be nice for Schaub to be able to go out in public without having to fear being booed by his own neighbors.
Josh Freeman Should Be...
Both of these guys, objectively, are bad at their jobs. Josh Freeman was released from the dismal Tampa Bay Buccaneers after taking a 23-3 beating at the hands of the New England Patriots in Week 3. He left the Bucs with an 0-3 record and no hope for any future success.
And where did he land? With the Vikings, who are currently 1-4 and haven't been able to find much success with either Christian Ponder or Matt Cassel, either due to injury or ineptitude.
So, now, Freeman gets to play on a better team with one of the best players in the entire wide world of football. He got a second chance when it seemed like he couldn't do anything except fail.
He should be...
These two have more in common than meets the eye. Nobody epitomizes "If at first you don't succeed, keep trying over and over and over again" like these two. If Freeman can do it, maybe Kiffin can fail upward too.
After all, he did get the job at USC after proving nothing during his tenures with the Oakland Raiders and the University of Tennessee, except that he is a terrible football coach.
Condoleezza Rice Should Be...
Forget the fact that she was the secretary of state, which requires a degree of intelligence less than one percent of the population possesses.
"She's not a dude!" we exclaim. "She's never played football! How could she possibly be informed about the sport?"
She was never president of the United States, either, but he still trusted her to be a member of his cabinet. Anyway, she should be...
A College Football Player
Maybe if she dressed up as a college football player for Halloween, she would get a little more respect. But probably not.
Tim Tebow Should Be...
Let's face it: Tim Tebow's glory days are long gone. If the Jacksonville Jaguars didn't come calling for him this season, nobody will come calling for him ever.
Let's just chalk up his mild success with the Broncos in 2010 to pure coincidence and accept the fact that Tim Tebow and the NFL were not meant to be.
So he should be...
A College Football Player!
Maybe he and Condi can trick or treat together!
Tebow's glory days came in Gainesville from 2006-09. He was the king of college football when he was the quarterback for the Gators, and he won the Heisman and two national championships, all while serving as Aaron Hernandez's "life instructor."
So much has gone wrong since he left Gainesville.
It's time for him to break out that old Gators jersey and give himself a night to remember what it feels like to be a winner.
Johnny Manziel Should Be...
Johnny Manziel is already a pro at living the celebrity lifestyle.
He knows how to party. He knows how to battle the trolls on Twitter. He knows how to befriend other celebrities.
So why not dress up as his No. 1 favorite celeb and unexpected BFF?
He should be...
They may seem like a weird match, and that's because they are. Drake seems to sympathize with Johnny Football when he gets slammed for missing required football-related activities, and Johnny Football seems to relate to Drake in terms of…well, we're not sure.
So maybe they can try being each other for a little while and start to love each other (and themselves) even more!
Plus, as you can see, Drake has already dressed up as Johnny. It is only right that Johnny return the favor.
LeBron James Should Be...
LeBron James has already been so good at infuriating people throughout the course of his career—often through no fault of his own.
But if he really wants to set the haters off…
...He could always go as Michael Jordan for Halloween.
Nothing gets sports fans heated like being told that LeBron is going to end up being better than MJ. No, really. Not too long ago, there was a stabbing over it, per SlamOnline.com.
LeBron's already been pretty vocal about wanting to be the best ever, so this way, he can pretend to be the Best Ever for a night and get a head start.
Alex Rodriguez Should Be...
Alex Rodriguez: the man who has everything.
He has all the money in the world. He has tremendous lawyers. He has celebrity girlfriends. He even has a centaur painting of himself.
But the one thing he doesn't have? Respect. Adoration. And those are two of the things he covets most in life. Therefore, it only makes sense for him to dress as one of the most respected Yankees of all time—and someone who never has to try at all to make people like him.
He should be...
But then again, A-Rod has already been accused of being a little bit Single White Female when it comes to Derek Jeter. This might push it over the line.
Brent Musburger Should Be…
Brent Musburger is an interesting fellow. We all know that his passions stretch far beyond the football field and into areas such as the girlfriends of college football players and, surprisingly, rap music.
So Brent should be…
The child within us knows that, above all, Halloween is a time to dress up as the person you idolize you the very, very most.
As evidenced by their excellently awkward interview earlier this season, Musburger is obviously a fan of Detroit-born rapper Eminem and is unabashed about telling him so, no matter how uncomfortable Marshall Mathers becomes.
For someone like Musburger, there could be no greater experience than spending a day in the life of a young, beloved rapper. Talk about stepping outside your comfort zone.
Tim Thomas Should Be...
Man, anyone who watched Tim Thomas' first NHL game in about a year and a half on Thursday night could see that the former Vezina winner just isn't what he used to be.
It's very possible he just needs time. No matter how much you practice or who you practice against, you just can't replicate the pace and the energy of a live NHL game.
Perhaps with time, Timmy T will rediscover his former Stanley Cup-winning self. Or maybe he just needs to become…
Remember how there was once a time where Tuukka Rask was relegated to the bench so Tim Thomas could ride out his tenure in Boston?
Not to take anything away from what Thomas did for the Bruins in 2011, but Rask is clearly "The Man" now. Not only did he and the B's best Thomas and the Panthers on Thursday night, but Rask took Boston all the way back to the Stanley Cup Final last year. And they may have lost to the Chicago Blackhawks, but it had nothing to do with Rask's performance. He's the one who put them in a position to compete for the Cup in the first place.
Maybe Thomas should channel his former understudy in order to get back to form.
Yasiel Puig Should Be…
Yasiel Puig is a great player. The rookie was part of a midseason retooling that transformed the Los Angeles Dodgers into one of the NL's most formidable teams, and he's hit .319 with 19 homers and 42 RBI (in 104 games) in the process.
Not too bad for someone in his first go-round in the majors.
But other players in the league have a problem with Puig. They don't like the way he tends to be an equal-opportunity showboat, whether he hits a double, triple or a home run. Was it really necessary for him to flip his bat after hitting a triple in Game 4 of the NLCS? The Cardinals think not.
Puig, however, is unlikely to change his ways. So, instead, maybe this Halloween, he should be…
Clearly, Puig needs to add some more moves to his repertoire. He could learn a few things from Korean baller Choi Jun-Seok. You thought Puig was bad? This dude flips his bat when he hits a foul ball.
Michael Vick Should Be…
It all looked so promising after the first game of the season.
That'll teach you not to judge anything based on the first game of the season.
After a Week 1 win over the lowly Washington Redskins, the NFL universe was singing the praises of Chip Kelly, Vick and the new-look Eagles.
Not so fast.
Philly proceeded to lose three straight games to three good teams, and suddenly, no one was all that excited about Kelly's new offense.
Meanwhile, Vick—in a shocking turn of events—went down with an injury in Week 5, and his backup got in on the action. And his backup won two straight games.
Maybe this year, Vick should be…
It's only two wins. Even Tim Tebow could string together a couple of wins. Moreover, it was two wins against the winless New York Giants and the embarrassing Buccaneers.
But Nick Foles is winning. So maybe Vick should learn how to be him before it's time for him to return from a hamstring injury.
Danny Amendola Should Be…
All of those football fans who ranked out the Patriots for handing over Wes Welker's money to an injury-prone Danny Amendola have, well, plenty to say right now.
Amendola is kind of, sort of, exactly what all of those fans expected him to be. He came up huge in Week 1 for New England, but in the process of coming up huge, he sustained a groin injury. That ruled him out until a Week 5 matchup against the Cincinnati Bengals, which marked the Patriots' first loss of the season.
He returned for Week 6, only to go down again—this time, with a concussion.
Now, after missing practice this week, it appears he'll be out yet again for Week 7, per Mike Petraglia of WEEI.com.
So here we are, almost at the halfway point of the season, and the guy who should have been the Pats' No. 1 receiver doesn't even have a single touchdown. This year, he should be…
There are so many options. He could be a carrot. He could be corn on the cob. He could be an avocado. He could even be froyo, which is one of those things people think is healthy but really isn't—but you know what? At least froyo tries.
He could literally be anything. Anything moderately healthy. Please, for the love of God (and Patriots fans).
Peyton Manning Should Be…
Why would Peyton Manning want to be anyone except himself right about now?
Life is pretty good for No. 18. He leads the NFL in passing yards, in touchdowns and in completion percentage. By a lot. It's not close. His Broncos are undefeated and look like a shoo-in to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl.
But then again…weren't Manning and the Broncos in a very similar position heading into their first playoff game last year?
And what happened then?
Maybe this Halloween, Manning should be…
No, life isn't great for Joe Flacco and the Baltimore Ravens right now. They're 3-3. They're mediocre at best.
But last year, heading into the playoffs, the Ravens looked pretty mediocre too. Then Flacco morphed into Mr. Clutch, hit Jacoby Jones for the biggest touchdown of the year and off the team rode into the Super Bowl sunset.
Meanwhile, it was Manning who threw the biggest interception of the year at the very same time.
So maybe Manning should get a jump-start this year. Maybe, if he learns how to be Flacco bright and early in October, he'll remember how to be Flacco when it comes time to win a playoff game.
Bill Belichick Should Be…
Say whatever you want about Bill Belichick, and hate him if you want, but you can't deny what he's been able to do during his tenure with the Patriots.
Look at his team this year. Every week, another critical player goes down—Rob Gronkowski, Amendola, Vince Wilfork, Jerod Mayo, Aqib Talib...it never ends. And yet, the Pats are 5-1.
He may be surly, but being bubbly doesn't make you a winner.
Granted, Belichick makes the lives of reporters very hard. He gives them nothing. It's part of his strategy.
But what about the grief that the reporters bring upon Belichick? Maybe this year for Halloween, the tides should be turned. Maybe this year, Belichick should be…
Wouldn't it be fun for Belichick, for just one night, to have an opportunity to bring the same pain and misery to reporters that they bring upon him every week?
Wouldn't it be fun for him to have the opportunity to ask the same redundant, asinine questions that he is forced to answer every week?
Wouldn't it be fun for him to find every single discernible way to ask someone whether or not Gronk is playing?
Belichick doesn't objectively seem like a humorous guy, but even he could have fun with this.