A wise man named Ron Swanson once said that one of the beauties of living in a free democracy is that you have the privilege to eat garbage and balloon up to 600 pounds. You are free to do so.
It's beautiful, in a way—although highly inadvisable.
Just because they're selling steak parfaits and bratwurst foie gras at the concession stand doesn't mean you have to put it in your face.
With that in mind, the following are a number of culinary monstrosities being peddled at stadiums across the United States and Canada. You can choose to engage and avoid these greasy targets as you see fit, although you can't say you haven't been warned.
They are filthy and far from carb-conscious. They are the most insanely unhealthy stadium foods ever invented, and you will be starving by the time this is over.
Bacon and doughnuts, together at last.
The Brunch Burger is a recent addition to the menu at PNC Park that takes an old dish and gives it a breakfast-y twist. In addition to a 60 percent beef, 40 percent bacon patty, the Brunch Burger incorporates a fried egg with sharp cheddar cheese on top.
Slide all that in between a halved and toasted sprinkled donut and you've got yourself a mouth-watering cry for help.
Stats: 902 calories
Another moment when donuts and bacon find an opportunity to live together in harmony.
The Gateway Grizzlies were one of the first pioneers of the donut burger, and GCS Field has developed a tradition of layering beef, bacon and sharp cheddar between two glazed donut buns—as the Good Lord intended.
Dubbed "Baseball's Best Burger," the donut burger is an item the club considers a real deal, considering it's dinner and dessert in one single, shiny pile.
Stats: 1,000 calories, 45 grams of fat
This is what Camden Yards does—crab dip and baseball. In that order.
Jokes aside, if it's served at a Baltimore Orioles game, it comes one way: slathered in Old Bay crab dip. This crab dip creation is called the "Walk-Off," and consists of an Old Bay Roma sausage covered in Old Bay crab dip and served on a pretzel roll.
Executive chef Josh Distenfeld explained the growing crab obsession in Baltimore to ESPN recently, albeit in nauseating terms.
"We went from making 10 gallons of crab dip at the season opener to up to 90 gallons now," Distenfeld said.
Stats: 1,096 calories
It takes a madman or genius to put a hot dog inside of a bratwurst, and that's what makes "The Beast" so special.
Like baseball's own turducken, "The Beast" is a ballpark frank shoved inside a plump brat. It doesn't stop there, however, as the hot-brat is then wrapped in bacon and stuffed inside a pretzel roll. Sprinkle some succulent sauerkraut on top, and voila—you have a beast.
Stats: 1,121 calories
The Great American Ballpark didn't earn its name by sitting on its butt and serving Froyo.
Nope, the Cincinnati Reds' home stadium earned its name by supporting its fans' inalienable right to eat hot dogs that have been wrapped in bacon and drowned in boiling fat.
This is precisely what the Reds' Meat Lover's hot dog is—a quarter-pound dog wrapped in bacon that has been deep-fried and topped with chili and pepperjack cheese. Don't forget to pile the fried salami on top. That's where the magic happens.
Stats: Calories unlisted, but likely in the ballpark of 1,100-1,400 calories.
Hot pastrami, Russian dressing and swiss cheese—all tenderly dumped onto tortilla chips.
The Pastrachos at Citi Field incorporate all the best elements of stadium food, and when you consider Russian dressing has 107 calories per two tablespoons, you've got yourself one highly regretful snack.
But who cares? This looks amazing.
Stats: 1400 calories*
Brie cheese, braised short ribs and more await anyone who shoots for the Yicketty Yamwich at Turner Field.
Chipper Jones' signature sandwich also features liberal amounts of cheddar, spinach and apple butter sauce.
Stats: 1,410 calories
Porks on porks on porks—that's how Toronto FC rolls.
The Canadian soccer club goes above and beyond at BMO Field, taking a traditional Canadian dish and layering on extra pig to make its famous Triple Pork Poutine.
Ingredients include fries, gravy, cheese curds and a symphony of swine—bacon, pulled pork and sausage. It's a box of pig meat and gravy. Deal with it.
Calories: 1500 calories*
Want to eat whale blubber, but can't find the sweet spot with that pesky harpoon?
You're in luck, because the Lake County Captains have created the "Moby Dick"—the sandwich that answers the question, "What if we just covered a narwhal in mayonnaise?"
Simmer down, PETA. "The Moby Dick" isn't actual whale, just a fried whitefish sandwich covered in coleslaw, tartar sauce, one-third pound of french fries, tomatoes and cheese. All on a 15-inch sesame seed bun!
The Captains' website calls "The Moby Dick" a meal that "feeds four people comfortably" and "two people uncomfortably." The food direct at the Captains' stadium also actually described it as a sandwich "that our fans are either sure to enjoy or run from."
Stats: 2,000 (plus) calories, 200 grams of fat
I'd call it insane, if it didn't look so damn delicious.
The Texas Rangers are not messing around when it comes to concessions at the ballpark, as evidenced by their introduction of the Boomstick—a hot dog the length of a baseball bat (or shotgun barrel) dripping with beefy chili, jalapenos, nacho cheese and onions.
Stats: "A day's worth of calories."
In case you were wondering, this is what a pound of pork sausage covered in "onion-bacon jam" and brown-mustard-mayonnaise sauce looks like.
Lovingly called the "Long Bomb," the gigantic sausage-dog measures 20-inches and requires an entire French baguette just to harness its awesomeness. If you've ever wondered why Raiders fans are the way they are, just remember they're fueled up on Bud Ice and at least one these bad boys every game.
Sandwich? Or cheese trench?
You be the judge of the Texas Rangers' "Murph-A-Dilla," a 24-inch flatbread piled with brisket, jalapenos, cheese, lettuce, pico de gallo and anything else from the condiment station you can manage to wedge inside the cardboard box/rifle case in which it is served.
Stats: 2,978 calories
Again, the vendors at Rangers Ballpark are not your friend.
It's not their problem if you want to dunk giant pretzels in cheese dip and force them into your face. They're just providing a product, and what you do to yourself is of no concern to them.
That being said, Rangers concessionaires have crafted the ultimate enabler—a three-pound sourdough pretzel that has to be served in a pizza box. It comes with three dipping sauces, and presumably some kind of waiver for you to sign.
Stats: 3,400-3,700 calories
"I've said it once, Cornelius! And I'll say it again! There's no way mankind can fit an entire concession stand into one burger!"
"I'll show you, father! I'll show them all!!"
That's not how how the "Fifth Third Burger" was born, but I like to imagine a measure of creative angst led the West Michigan Whitecaps to create this four-pound, multi-layered monstrosity.
The "Fifth Third Burger" features a one-pound bun, a fifth-third pound of beef (get it, "Fifth Third"?) and a cup of thick chili. On top of this meaty foundation rests a pile of nacho cheese, salsa, lettuce, Fritos, tomatoes, sour cream and five slices of American cheese. That's right—American cheese.
Stats: 4,800 calories, 300 grams of fat, 744 milligrams of cholesterol, 10,000 milligrams of sodium
If you haven't heard of this big mama, allow me to introduce you to the Strasburger—an eight-pound monstrosity that is less of a burger, and more of a monument to the American uni-polar moment.
Named after star Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg, the StrasBurger features a ginormous all-beef patty topped with the usual burger trimmings (cheese, lettuce, onion etc.).
It should also be noted that a basket of fries and an entire pitcher of your favorite soft drink come with each StrasBurger—because at this point, you've already passed the "all-in" stage of gambling with your health.
Stats: 10,000 calories, 700 grams of fat
Lets eat bacon and talk on the Twitters.